tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52172666288705861192024-03-26T10:59:55.000+00:00It's all brain vomit; and living with a Chronic LeukaemiaI was diagnosed with Old Man's Cancer (Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia) on the 19th January 2007 when I was 22.
This is an open honest blog about what it's like living with a user-friendly cancer, taking pill chemotherapy daily, possibly for life, and everything that goes alongside it.Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.comBlogger251125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-10496090711100015832024-03-26T10:59:00.001+00:002024-03-26T10:59:15.941+00:00I’m still here <p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">It’s been a while. Years. So many things to say. So much I can’t. Because it’s not my story to tell. It’s ours. We were a we. And now I’m an I. With a little girl. Navigating a new life. On my own again. Processing. Not really letting it all filter through. It’s too much. Being here again. But not just me. Us. She is me and I am her. Everything I do has to be for her. Not just me. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And out lovely chocolate boy isn’t here anymore. It’s been 14 months. I saw his double today in the park. My heart aches for him. Still. He visits me. He’s still with me. My boy. I need him so much right now. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And we got a new pup. A girl. I have resented her for not being the same. Of course she won’t be. Different dog. Different breed. Puppies are a nightmare coupled with a baby. So often on my own to manage both of them. With no true understanding of how hard my days are. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And then we stopped being a we. And the dog isn’t legally mine. But she’s mine. She’s ours. Another thing to sort out. To work out what’s best. And when I don’t have her I miss her so much. And worry about her. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">But she’s not mine. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And so the days merge into one. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Someone said to me yesterday how it’s great it’s a short week this week with the Easter weekend. And I looked at them blankly and replied ‘I have a 2 year old’. I don’t get short weeks and long weekends. The days don’t change. She needs the same looking after regardless. I don’t have my person anymore. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">He has someone new. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And I just can’t get the words out. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So much I can’t. Because it’s not my story to tell. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I had hoped. …I still have it. Anyways. This is not the way I thought it would be. This year was going to be so different. Back in London. Work picking up. Baby number 2 which I so desperately want. Still chemo free. Thank you to my magical miracle baby girl for that. I’m sure her stem cells are keeping me safe. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">But no. Temporarily back at my parents. Whilst I piece myself back together. </span></p>Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-54873246879313185252021-07-30T19:32:00.001+01:002021-07-30T19:33:58.137+01:00My Rainbow Baby<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBMbOAYi8m8wF71TOsW7NfVEpxjdyLB5-M-mWNuiS8btYQhmP2FTtGpcbaIQ2J_UFnGNMsuwhVqRRUShU3-bXZOXwmiUxym9DP7SMNFZ2wEZfsKQa9vwXYSJhAMzS6OT0g8018B7IdCwU/s2048/FAC905C0-2F2F-44CA-9469-C295649084BD.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBMbOAYi8m8wF71TOsW7NfVEpxjdyLB5-M-mWNuiS8btYQhmP2FTtGpcbaIQ2J_UFnGNMsuwhVqRRUShU3-bXZOXwmiUxym9DP7SMNFZ2wEZfsKQa9vwXYSJhAMzS6OT0g8018B7IdCwU/s320/FAC905C0-2F2F-44CA-9469-C295649084BD.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div><br />Well my lovely bloglets,<p></p><p>I’ve been sitting on this post for a while. Not that I’ve actually written it. Well I have in my head, numerous times, but haven’t sat down to type until now. And I’m not sure why. It’s such amazing and wonderful news. But part of it also wants to keep it for me. Because it’s been so longed for. For such a long time. And now it’s my reality. And it’s amazing. But it’s also surreal. </p><p>My rainbow baby. Because my fertility is fucked according to the hospital. Well. Compromised is the nice way of saying it. With a very low egg count. 14 and a half years of chemo has definitely made its mark. But that didn’t matter. I have 22 year old eggs frozen and I was getting my body ready for IVF regardless. And who knew that ALL those hundreds of pounds spent on functional medicine tests and supplements with a couple of tweaks to my diet meant that IVF wouldn’t be needed. </p><p>And then there was the agonising 8 and a bit week wait for my first scan after having a positive pregnancy test to check that all was ok. And that there was a baby in there! I did think just before the sonographer put the gel on my abdomen. What if this is the most epic phantom pregnancy ever?!?!? But no. A baby appeared. Doing what it should be doing with development and growth on track. A huge sigh of relief. And now a much shorter wait to the next scan and the ‘half way point’ (because due dates are a load of bollocks). </p><p>So no need for IVF. No need for the Hopeful Baby Diary - I’ve deleted the Instagram and that blog will be going soon as well. </p><p>I don’t think it’s coming across. I’m beyond excited about this! I actually loving all the body changes, and completely in awe as to what’s going on. Which is good as I started showing around week 6. And yes. Granny did comment in how fat I was getting.</p><p> C. L. A. S. S. I. C. </p><p>I was also very good earlier in the week and didn’t cry when a pair of size 10 maternity jeans didn’t fit. I also didn’t completely freak out, although my blood pressure shot up, lolz, when I put on 5 kilos in the first 10 weeks. And yes. Yes I did genuinely wonder if it was twins. But I couldn’t give a flying fuck. I was told this couldn’t happen. I was going to be doing this on my own. And I did it and I’m not. I also don’t think I’ll be allowed another year off treatment so this is it. My, well, our baby. The little determined miracle who really wanted to be. God. If they are this determined already, I dread to think what’s in store!</p><p>I’m not going to go crazy with sharing everything about this. I now have others to think about and how much I want to share about them, especially when they can’t speak for themselves yet. I will update on my haematology stuff though. So far all good! Leukaemic rate hasn’t budged after 2 months off treatment which is also pretty epic. Let’s just send all the good thoughts it stays like that!</p><p>So until next time... I’m not sure I need to sign off with love and hope anymore. Because for once. Things are actually pretty perfect. </p><p>XxX</p>Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-48004010119525917092021-03-21T16:55:00.000+00:002021-03-21T16:55:03.027+00:00More Processing and a Plan<p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px;">Well I was going to write yesterday but my tube journey instead of being a long one ended up being broken up into two and when I write I like to do it in one hit as things change and breaking the writing impacts on the post. I like to be in the zone continuously even if it’s just to ramble shite that no one really cares about. But it’s important for me. To process. To get it out of my head. To stop it circulating. Anyways.</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So yesterday I was going to write about my recent appointment which I have also put in my Hopeful Baby Diary blog so maybe I’ll just stick the link in and keep this more about how I really am rather than the slightly tempered version I put in that because of clients reading it etc.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> https://thehopefulbabydiary.wordpress.com/2021/03/20/funding-clarification-and-obstetrics-referral/</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In summary if you can’t be fucked to read the link it is that the consultant I saw helped me get a plan in place. Funding appeal is going in. It might take months. It might still be a no. So whilst I decide what to do in terms of waiting or just sticking it on my credit cards, is to pick the sperm donor as I have to pay for that regardless and get it to The Hammersmith. Well. Actually The Queen Charlotte’s. But anyways. They sit on the same site. And I just call it The Hammersmith as that’s where my Haematology care is. And now I’m questioning if the fertility clinic is actually The Hammersmith. Anyways. Completely irrelevant. So buy the sperm and then it’s there with my eggs. I’ve been referred to the obstetrics team to discuss my treatment plan. And ‘the impact of the disease on pregnancy and the child’ and other fun things.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It’s when I read things like that it really brings home how serious CML actually is untreated and the pre the oral chemos it really was a killer. Not that I’m concerned about coming off treatment. If my haematology consultant thought I was in any danger no fucking way would this happen. It’s why it’s taken 14 fucking years to get here. So anyways. Really looking forward to that conversation!</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This past week has been really fucking hard. I’m not going to lie. It’s so much better today. As I lost my bubble 10 days ago, haven’t been in my sister's child care bubble since the first week of January, and I had a negative Rona test yesterday morning I saw my brother, sister in law and niece yesterday and had a hug. For the first time in 12 days from a human. Last dog cuddle with ‘my dog’ was 8 days ago. And it has made such a difference. I can’t imagine how it’s been for others who live on their own who haven’t had access to anyone for a hug. I’m so tactile and to not have that whilst dealing with all this fertility fuckery with funding and all the dog owner shit which all came to a head 10 days ago has been pretty horrific.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So basically I feel like I’ve turned a bit of a corner in the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning I had one of my (legally allowed) home visits and the talk therapist who is part of the care team asked me if I was ok because of how my eyes looked. (The rest of my face was covered by a mask) And he could see how sad I was and the impact of the burden I’m carrying.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m also tired. My energy levels are shot to shit. 2 and a half years of the trial drug and I’ve hit that sweet point of my body saying. No. Fuck this. I’ve had enough.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">God this is a real ramble today.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Should I set up a just giving page? Quite a few people have asked and said they would donate. I just. I don’t know. Whilst this isn’t my choice it’s also my choice. I don’t know what to do.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m allowing myself another week off fertility stuff. To get my head back to where it was. When I was excited. When it wasn’t all another fucking car crash. Oh and I’ve requested my notes so I can complain to the general medical council about IVF consultant number one. Just to see exactly what they did/didn’t do. I might be nice and smiley but you don’t fuck with me. I will retaliate.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So in a nutshell. Today is better. I saw some of my family. And my brother who is my nearly twin. Ish. 13 months younger than me. I’m not great when I don’t see him. And now I’ve gone into complete babble mode. Enough.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As always. With hope.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">XxX</p>Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-5689482052976256392021-03-05T14:35:00.000+00:002021-03-05T14:35:12.047+00:00Another set back<p> Well my lovely boglets,</p><p>For those of you who follow my IVF-specific blog (<a href="http://www.thehopefulbabydiary.wordpress.com">www.thehopefulbabydiary.wordpress.com</a>) you will already know this, but I wanted to write on here too. Although if you can believe it, I'm even more pissed off today than I was when I wrote last night on my other blog.</p><p>There's been another bump in the road. Another hurdle to get over. Another battle to fight. And I'm so fucked off and fed up of it all.</p><p>Basically, my fertility funding has been denied because they haven't stated it as an issue with my fertility, because I'm not technically infertile or have a condition like PCOS etc even though I'm doing this because I live with a fucking chronic cancer and only get a year off treatment and it's taken 14 fucking years to get to a point where I can do this.</p><p>And the fucking IVF consultant who I saw in the summer who told me he was sure it would be covered didn't actually fucking check or apply for funding like he should have done, so I found this out yesterday. When I should have known last fucking August. So I'm lodging a formal complaint against him because once again he didn't do his job. When I had my eggs frozen under his 'care' 14 years ago he also didn't apply for funding and just put me through as a private patient. So I'm absolutely LIVID with him about this. I wish I had recorded that conversation. And I am SO tempted to name him but I won't. But I want the GMC to know because he's now at a new hospital so complaining to mine will do sweet fuck all.</p><p>ARGHHHHHH. It would be SO nice if something went my way for a change. </p><p>So I'm feeling very sorry for myself today. And had an argument with the dogs owner so he can fuck off too. And I suspect he might read this or my hopeful baby diary blog. So enjoy reading this is if you are.</p><p>Doing this on my own is so much fun. I know children are expensive but I really hoped I would be going into it without loading up my credit cards and owing around £8,000 if I'm lucky and it's only one round.</p><p>It's times like this that I really wish my life was the parallel life that I should have got. That wasn't fucked over by a chronic cancer diagnosis. That meant I did all that I was going to. I met someone in my 20s who wasn't put off by my health and all it entails and not drinking because none of that happened or existed. That I didn't meet someone so perfect but it could never be because of life stuff and then I met the dogs' owner and thought that finally I might get the happiness that I deserve. Maybe, maybe it's the dogs owner I should be with. Who doesn't care about my cancer. Who likes the fact that I don't drink. That we share so much in common. That we work together as a couple. But no. A big fat solid fucking resounding no. Because I am destined to be alone and unloved because in so many ways my life is completely and utterly fucked. Because of a non-lifestyle-related genetic mutation that my body couldn't deal with.</p><p>I am so fucking tempted to start drinking again.</p><p>So yet more FUN TIMES in this life of mine. Not that it's much of a life to be honest. It's really shit actually. And I want to bring a child into it. Picking the father from a list on a website.</p><p>God I'm so bored of myself and this self-pity. Right. I'm off. And if you have gotten this far, well done you. You deserve a reward.</p><p><br /></p>Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-45540526763047916002020-12-23T13:22:00.000+00:002020-12-23T13:22:00.220+00:00Fuck Me, What A Year<p> Well my lovely Bloglets,</p><p>As I have been so shit with this blog for a couple of years now, I thought I'd do a yearly round-up. For those of you who are lovely and care, and to prove I'm still here!</p><p>Well fuck me. WHAT A YEAR! 2020. Who would have thought?!? All in all, I can't complain. I'm fine. My friends are fine. My family are fine. I think I had 'Rona but I wasn't very ill. I just had achey legs and was very tired for a few days, but they are my fatigue symptoms anyways, so who knows?!? It was also before everyone who sneezed went to get a test, so I'll never know.</p><p>The one arse has been that I was meant to come off treatment in November and can't until Spring. I was so fucked off at the time, but on reflection, it was the right thing to do. It's also given me time to do some functional medicine tests to see what's going on with my hormones at a much deeper level than the NHS blood test, a hair mineral analysis which to be honest I am a bit dubious about. The test did get one thing bang on, but some of it really doesn't represent my lifestyle, and the doctor I had the consultation with didn't take my meds into consideration, so, the jury is very much still out. I have also done a test to look at all the omega ratio's which is interesting and actually reflects my NHS blood cholesterol blood test and also shows me some other stuff so I can help correct things. All of this means that I'm taking 13 different supplements a day, which is costing a fuck tonne. But. I am focused on helping my body after a battering of chemo for the last nearly 14 years, and adult life stress and all the rest of it. And I want to only have one round of IVF next year. So it's worth it. And for those of you who think supplements are bullshit and quackery (as some lovely person said to me on twitter this week before I blocked them), there are GPs and Pharmacists who recommend them. So there.</p><p>And on baby stuff, I didn't write about it on here because I wasn't ready for people I know, and potential family members to read it, as I thought I was pregnant a few months ago. I"m pretty sure I was and it just didn't stick, which is so common, which has also given me a kick up the arse with supplements. It is also highly likely that it wasn't me, but the sperm. Did you know that 60% of miscarriages can be due to the sperm, NOT the woman? So men, if you want a baby, and it's not happening most of it can be up to you. So part of me was very sad that I wasn't as it would have made everything so much easier, but it has also given me time to get life shit sorted before starting fertility treatment in the early Spring.</p><p>It also still looks like it will be me on my own doing it. I really hope not. I would love it if it happened with the man that I've 'not been in a relationship' for the last nearly 3 years. But if it's not, I'm at peace with that. I will do this regardless. Anyways, I've ranted about this before.</p><p>Back to this year. Well I'm still 'not with' the man. He did admit that we are 'seeing each other' not long ago. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And when I got my elephant tattoo, he sent a text to my father saying what is it with girls with tattoos going out with men with vans? (He has one for work). So anyways. Read what you will into that.</p><p>So I got my elephant tattoo!!! Managed to get it in between the November and current lockdown. No. It's not tier 4. It's lockdown. For fucks sake. To remind me to be strong and to keep going. As I do. They are my spirit animal. They make me so happy. I don't know why. They just do. They are amazing.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWA4pNNDIIWpGRk_FrruYeFlXLXtOQQnp6awLTcXQBYRTc05Ez_4qyq9hYEQFWSVMsA1JRfFavvoCU9GJ5YTSCDuML6geqMwmU30zJ1eYU3aLnpnbF-QKtWhc-LNRnMU3GAm2lI0Pg-k/s2048/IMG_8500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWA4pNNDIIWpGRk_FrruYeFlXLXtOQQnp6awLTcXQBYRTc05Ez_4qyq9hYEQFWSVMsA1JRfFavvoCU9GJ5YTSCDuML6geqMwmU30zJ1eYU3aLnpnbF-QKtWhc-LNRnMU3GAm2lI0Pg-k/s320/IMG_8500.jpg" /></a></div>And when Christmas was canceled I got stuck in tier 4 as I had clients to see in person, who yes, I am legally allowed to see, and I wasn't going to bail on them last minute, and until today, I was going to be on my own, but I will now be with man and hound which will be very nice. It is going to be a fucking weird Christmas though. Not going to lie. I think we will, probably like most of the country, have our family Christmas in the Spring.<p></p><p>Work has also been good this year. I'm so fucking fed up of seeing most of my clients on zoom rather than in person, but. It has meant that I have had many who I wouldn't ever have seen de to location if it had been in person, so that's a plus.</p><p>And my jeans of doom STILL FIT! So I think that's a WIN. Hopefully, they still will next week... I did manage home exercises for about 3 weeks and then life took over and energy levels crashed, so I'll pick that up again...</p><p>I'm not going to lie, this year has had its difficulties. Its ups and downs, Going back to my parents for lockdown 1 and not spending it with the man and hound was incredibly hard and hurtful. To be told you aren't wanted and to go back to your parents is not nice. But that was before I mentioned baby stuff and a true end for us if he's not the father. So it's been different since the end of June when I came back to London. As always, I am ever hopeful.</p><p>This year has also been a year of lasts. My last birthday on my own, my last Christmas on<br /> my own. My last year being 'the single one' in the family. Because if everything goes my way next year, and it really fucking should after all the shit I've had to deal with in my life. This time next year, I will either be heavily pregnant or with a newborn.</p><p>So with love and hope, XxX</p>Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-59052081343221625712020-08-26T10:53:00.004+01:002020-08-26T10:53:57.956+01:00The Baby Diaries Part 1<p> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;">Well it’s been fucking ages. I know. I’ve neglected this blog. Mainly because I’ve been writing for an American blood cancer site and they (understandably) want unique stuff. And I can never be arsed to write the same thing, differently enough, to post on two different sites.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I’ve also lost my writing mojo recently. I basically haven’t written anything since December. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">So a whirlwind update of the last 18 months. Well. I’m still alive </span><span class="s2">😂</span><span class="s1">. I’m still on chemo and I’m still tired. But. The chemo is much better and the fatigue is dealable (yes that is a word) too. But the best thing about this chemo is that my results have been AMAZING, around 0.004% for the last nearly two years so I am OFFICIALLY allowed to come OFF TREATMENT in November. But. Because of fucking ‘Rona, it looks like it will be the spring because there might be a second spike blah blah blah. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Unlike many in the blood cancer community I couldn’t give two fucks about ‘Rona in terms of fear/shielding etc as my health is good and my immune system (other than not dealing with my cancer when it started, lolz) is epic. So I’m not at risk. Anyways. Bit of an arse having to wait until spring because I’m going to have a baby and I would rather give birth pre-36 than post 36. And yes I know I’m mental and I’m still young blah blah blah. But I wanted to have my first baby my 30. So I’m feeling my age. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I also have a lot of medical knowledge about pregnancy and birth which doesn’t help when I FREAK OUT about being an older first time mother. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">So today the ball started rolling. I had my first fertility appointment. All went well. Being booked in for blood tests and a scan to see if I’m fertile and how my reproductive organs are. I have no idea if chemo has fucked them or not. But it’s ok as I have 17 eggs frozen from when I was 22 which I can use if my fertility isn’t good/I’m infertile/actually why am I even thinking about it?! Eggs aged 22 or eggs aged 35 after 13 years of chemo. No brainier! What a fucktard. Anyways. The point is, I have options. Which is nice. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">And I can hear you all shouting. BUT IS THERE A MAN IN THE PICTURE?!?!?! Well. Sort of. There is a man who I love and who loves me. But. Me being me. Is it straightforward and not complicated? No of course not!!! So we shall see. He’s older and convinced he’s too old. I did tell the consultant today there is a man but thinks he’s too old at 51. And the consultants reply. ‘That’s no age at all!’ <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I could have kissed him through the screen. (Because basically all appointments are remote at the moment). So we shall see. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I will do it on my own though with a sperm donor if I have to. I’m not letting this opportunity go past me. Ideally it would be with the man. But this is too important to me to not do it just because he’s freaked out about his age. I’ve waited 13 and a half years to come off treatment. And it might be 14 by the time it happens. So I’m grabbing it by both hands. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Hopefully I can be off treatment for a long time. It all depends on what happens with the leukaemic rate. I’ll definitely be allowed a year for the baby. There is a drug I can use in pregnancy if I have to. I’m doing loads of naturopathic stuff to help my body. So I really hope I get more than a year. 2 years would be a dream. Or longer. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">But as long as I get my baby, or babies. God. It could be twins. Well. At least I wouldn’t need to go through it all again for a sibling! Anyway. I’ve wanted to be a Mother since I was 10. Maybe before that but I just wasn’t aware of it. So 2021 is the year. Fuck. It’s mega. It’s terrifying. It’s exciting. It’s surreal. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I hope it’s with him. Well. I always hope don’t I. Got it on me permanently. Maybe that will be the baby’s name if it’s a girl.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">And now I need to go and cry. </span></p>Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-59500295937003314302018-12-23T14:15:00.003+00:002018-12-23T14:15:14.175+00:002018. Well you have been pretty amazing. <div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Well my bloglets. What a year it has been. I’m trying to remember how I felt when I wasn’t me. And it’s so hard. The memory is amazing. Eradicating what it can’t hold on to enable you to move forward. I have felt like me, truly me for the longest since I was 21. 13 years ago. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Christmas since my diagnosis has always been very emotional for me. I have always cried and it hasn’t been happy tears. It’s been tears of overload. Of not being able to cope. Of wishing life was different. Of leg pain from exhaustion. Shooting pains down my skull. My body needing a break. Of being at breaking point. And knowing my cancerversary is around the corner. Yet another year of living with cancer to be ticked off on the horizon. No end in sight. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">But this year it’s different. Work has been so much better since the summer. I had 6 clients in the week before Christmas and 2 were new first appointments. Which is amazing!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And I’m happy. Genuinely happy. I’m not fucked with exhaustion. I’m going to start running again next week. And I can’t wait! I have the energy to do it! And to work. And to see friends in the evening. And to cook. And to be me!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And the best thing is that my family and friends can’t believe the difference in me. They had forgotten who I really was. How I really am. To be fair. So had I. I’m still astounded I can get by on 9 hours sleep, 3 months in to my new treatment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I had a rocky couple of recently with a dose shift but because my consultant it so fucking amazing and listens, that’s been sorted. And my energy levels have shot up again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I don’t wear my ‘please offer me a seat’ and ‘Cancer On Board’ badges when out and about. I don’t worry about getting a seat on the train. I can stand up! I can live. And I forget that I have cancer. And that it’s there. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I’m writing this and feeling a bit detached from in. I’ve felt like this when I’ve written before. It’s fine. It’s not a complaint. Maybe this is how writing should be. It shouldn’t be upsetting and make me sad. It should just be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">This new drug is making me really think about the future and what I can do. And do it! And there is also someone. A special someone. And that makes it so much better. And they have been there when it’s been fucking horrific and I can’t speak or stand because I’m so exhausted. And they aren’t put off by all my cancer shit. And when I cry because of babies. And they are here now to see me. The real me. And well. We’ll see what happens. But you know me, glass half full and always hoping!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And there is another recent baby in the family. A November edition. I have my gorgeous 3 nieces. My girls. So special to me. And I hope I will be able to have my own. So much.... for now I have to make myself content with them. And I adore them. Nothing could have prepared me for how I feel when I see them. Hold them. Kiss and cuddle them. Have them asleep in my arms. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">So this year has been challenging. A stem cell transplant option there, lingering around the corner, just out of reach. Possibly coming closer. Possibly being my reality in the New Year. But it looks like I can send that away now. No need to make that decision. Not have to contemplate possibly killing my self in order to possibly get a better life. And then compassionate use for a trial drug. And my life is mine. I will be forever grateful to my consultant for not giving up on me. For not allowing herself to say ‘I’m really sorry. But that’s just going to be your life’. Or not believing it was as bad as it was as other consultants have done. She can’t believe how I am. The difference. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">2018 has been the first of many things for a really long time. I had a tan in the summer as the drugs I took then didn’t make my skin photosensitive. I’m on a new drug and I have energy even whilst on treatment rather than having to pray for a treatment break. My leukaemic rate is basically the best it has ever been right now. I have welcomed 2 new nieces, holding them when they were just a day old. 2 of ‘my girls’ have come back to the UK after living abroad. I am now a paid blog wrote for an American company. I am not worried about paying my rent at the end of the month for the first time in a very long time. I have a gorgeous chocolate Labrador in my life. I have that special person to call and assuming nothing drastic happens in the next week, I won’t be that single person amongst couples on NYE. For the first time in my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">So overall. 2018 has been pretty amazing. So I just hope, as always, that 2019 is even better than the second half of this year. If that’s the case. Well. The last 11 and a half years of struggle with treatment will be worth it. If this is now how I’m going to be forever. Then I’m ok with all that I’ve missed out on. Because I’m determined. And I will ‘catch up’. And I will achieve what I want to. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I am as always. So incredibly grateful to my amazing family who have never given up on me. To my beyond amazing friends who have always been there. And are now enjoying me again. And are so happy for me. And to my Bloodwise ‘family’ who have supported me and listened to me whinge and moan and complain and have never told me to shut up and get over it. Or compare themselves and how bad it may be for them to me. They have given me much needed space. And I can’t put into words about what that has meant to me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And this Christmas, my heart doesn’t ache in quite the same way for what I want and don’t have. There is a glimmer that I might get it. And I will hang on to that fiercely. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">So I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas is you are able. It can be difficult and I really know how that is. I hope you can surround yourself with love and joy. And I hope. Because without it there is nothing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">XxX</span></div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-37791006060327572192018-10-13T19:38:00.000+01:002018-10-13T19:38:10.520+01:00Still me! Well my wonderful bloglets,<br />
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I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted on here. Although this seems to be a theme. Now that I write for an American company and it has to be unique stuff for them, I write loads for them and neglect here. But. Not today!<br />
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So I still feel like me and it’s FUCKING AMAZING! I am also genuinely thinking about going running again! I just have to be careful as I do a lot of dog walking, I don’t want to completely fuck myself with running as well.<br />
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I think the biggest thing that I’ve been able to do on the new drug is to cook in a Friday evening and have friends over for supper. I haven’t been able to do this in EIGHT YEARS!!! So that’s pretty fucking fabulous.<br />
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I can get through the day AND evening on 9 hours sleep. Admittedly I’m tired at the end of the day, and I should reallly get more than that as my mother pointed out that I’m still on an oral chemotherapy. But. I can. And it’s not the same tired. It’s not the heavy fatigue. I had one day where that returned and I thought it was all over. The new me. But I think it was a blip. I had just done too much. I think the week before I had been out every night! AND I ALSO HAVENT WORRIED ABOUT HOW MUCH SLEEP I’LL GET EACH NIGHT IN WEEKS.<br />
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I can also stand up and other than that one blip, I haven’t word my ‘Cancer On Board’ and ‘please offer me a seat’ badges since my chemo break! AND I DON’T WORRY ABOUT NEEDING TO SIT DOWN WHEN I’M OUT AND ABOUT<br />
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Work is so much busier. I’ve had quite a few new patients book in who have come to me via my website/online. It’s like the universe knows I can deal with it.<br />
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I feel like this might all sound a bit, I don’t know, not excited or happy enough. I really am. I just pray to fuck that it’s working. I find out a week on Monday. I am on the lowest dose do my consultant can increase it. I just worry that the increased dose will potentially mean that I won’t feel as good. I’ve never worried about blood test results. Not once in over 11 and a half years, so it’s weird to be worried. I try not to focus on it. What will be will be. I just really hope that it is controlling my leukaemia rate and it hasn’t shot up.<br />
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So with so much hope,<br />
XxXKatie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-19940260000178118642018-09-04T13:22:00.001+01:002018-09-04T13:22:21.436+01:00Aaaaaaaand I'm BACK!!Well Bloglets,<br />
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I know it's been a while.....<br />
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So. You won't believe it. A HAPPY ME!!! I know. A rarity. I'm fully aware of that. It's just a fucker that it mainly happens when I'm off treatment, which as you all well know is not often and not for long.<br />
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I thought I had better document it before it went and I'm miserable and whingy again. Because I know how much you all love that.....<br />
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I have been off treatment for nearly 2 weeks and I became myself again 7 days after coming off it which was incredible as I thought it would take 10 days.<br />
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I noticed when walking home last Thursday evening that I was me again. I'd had a late night on Wednesday and wanted to go to bed at 8pm, but it was a friends birthday so I didn't get to bed until around 11.30... I didn't have a great nights sleep and definitely didn't get enough that I needed and was slightly worried as I had a busy day the following day ending with 3 massage clients at 7.30. So to say I was slightly worried about how I was going to do it was an understatement. For the last few weeks the fatigue had been fucking horrific. I wasn't coping. I was always going to go home on the Thursday evening for the bank holiday weekend to have the Friday off as well, but I had to head out at lunchtime. I had so much work I needed to do but I couldn't think. I couldn't function. I was in Pret getting some lunch and phoned home and cried because I was so exhausted I couldn't make a decision about what to eat. I didn't feel hungry which didn't help even though I knew I was. All I could acknowledge was the exhaustion. I had felt like that for a couple of weeks because I had a weekend of fun. And because my energy was getting worse and worse anyway as it seems to do (it's an accumulative effect of the drugs) and not having a weekend to sit and do nothing because I went to a friends wedding, which was magical and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I fucked myself severely and suffered.<br />
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So I was not in a good space and it was getting worse. So to suddenly realise last Wednesday when walking home after a long day that I DIDN'T FEEL COMPLETELY FUCKED AND EXHAUSTED AND I FELT LIGHT AND NOT LIKE I'D BEEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND ENJOYED THE WALK AND DIDN'T HAVE TO BULLY MYSELF TO TAKE EACH STEP. WELL. IT WAS HUGE! SO MUCH BIGGER THAN TYPING EVERYTHING IN CAPS LOCKS!!!!!!<br />
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And I've been me again for nearly a week. And I might have overdone the whole being excited about not needing sleep so I might not have actually had enough... so today I feel tired. But. It's NOTHING compared to how it was. To try and explain a bit. On Saturday night I only had 8 hours sleep and on Sunday, after spending another weekend at home for my Grandmothers birthday, I got the train back arriving around 6pm. I then had the energy to cook for the week and to do some cleaning/tidying. And it was fine. I could do it. I can stand up without it exhausting me. It's just. Well there are no words.<br />
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And it's when I feel like this, when I am fully me again. The me that can get so much done. That I think. Fuck yes to the transplant. I'll smash it! Why wouldn't I do it for the possibility to feel like this ALL the time!!! <br />
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And when my parents and family notice how I am. That I'm different. In a good way. They notice the change. And someone else said to me last week how nice it is to see me like this. To be able to formulate a sentence at the end of the day without the effort being too much. And when I'm asked how I am and I say that I'm well and I MEAN it! Rather than thinking, you have no idea how I really feel.<br />
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In two days, this Thursday I'm back at the hospital to get the new drug. And I have my fingers crossed. And I hope. And it's fitting that it's Blood Cancer Awareness Month for all of this to be happening. And I hope that I raise some awareness with this. To show how it can be. How it really is. It can be so fucking awful. And then I get a window of amazing which I will hold on to.<br />
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So I will be back really soon. If, IF I get side effects from Asciminib I will know pretty quickly...<br />
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With love and hope as always,<br />
Me XXXKatie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-86084884200656430992018-07-12T12:24:00.003+01:002018-07-12T12:24:42.257+01:00It’s all about me. Isn’t it?<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I know I have a massive WHAT ABOUT ME complex. Also known as middle child syndrome and also getting so much attention since my diagnosis. Which has lessened over the years. Obviously. It’s old news. Time moves on. Other people get Cancer. Die from cancer. Get married. Have babies. Buy houses. Change jobs. All these things are important to them. I get that. I really do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Yet. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">What about me? And trust me. I’m so fucking bored of it all. More than you are. 11 and a half years. So. Fucking. Dull. I wish it was over. That I could move on. That I could...Well. My parallel life. And it’s not to say I won’t. Tick tock. Tick tock. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">The NHS was 70 last week and all I saw were posts saying how amazing it is and how people are happy it’s saved them. And it is. I mean it’s been completely broken by the general public using it for what it’s not meant to be for. For too many chronically ill people like me draining resources. For people demanding aspirin on free prescription instead of paying 70p for it in the shop. And so much more. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And I hate I cost so much. I feel very guilty about it. But at the same time I am grateful that I don’t get a bill every time I go to clinic and pharmacy. I wouldn’t be able to pay for it if I had to on an ongoing basis. I am so grateful for all of those who pay their taxes that pays for my treatment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And yet. Am I grateful that the NHS has saved my life? Honestly? I don’t know. This is of course said knowing that I won’t die. I might feel very differently if I was saying goodbye to my life right now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I seem to be writing on a topic I wasn’t going to. Obviously I need to get it out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">My fatigue is so fucking awful at the moment. It’s harder to be happy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And what about me? I write for an American site and occasionally I look at the comments and it’s interesting. They are all about themselves. No one really says ‘great blog’ or ‘thank you’ or ‘I feel the same’. Not that they should of course. That’s what I’m used to from the British people who read my blog. Getting support from them in their comments. Especially my Bloodwise gang. They keep it focused on me, not them. And another thing about the Americans is that they always mention Myeloma. I’ve got fucking CHRONIC MYELOID LEUKAEMIA. it’s DIFFERENT. Faaarking hell. And I don’t know if it’s because they want to mention Myeloma and increase awareness. Which is great obviously. Everyone thinks Myeloma is skin cancer. But. I don’t fucking have that fucking cancer. And it pisses me off. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I could not write for them. But. It would be one less opportunity to talk about me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I’m so fed up of it all. It’s exhausting. I get a chemo break in just over 2 week’s for 2 week’s. I can’t wait. I should get 4 days of being me again. If my leukaemic rate has dropped enough I’m going to ask for a dose reduction on Monday. It hasn’t dropped as fast as my consultant would like though to date. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I’m the joys of spring today... at least I have a tan. And this makes me happy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Started thinking about another tattoo.... an elephant. To remind me to be strong. They are my spirit animal. I love them so much. Always have done. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">With love and hope. Always hope. Even if it’s whinging hope. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">XxX</span></div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-44805752329018595612018-07-01T21:04:00.003+01:002018-07-01T21:04:48.026+01:00I’m still here <div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I haven’t written in ages. So many times I’ve had sentences float in to my head but I haven’t sat down and typed. Might be because I now blog for an American site so use up a fair amount of my writing on that. I have to write original stuff for them, which is fine, I just feel I have neglected this is in a while. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I don’t even know where to start. I gave up drinking 10 years ago today. I never thought it would be a permanent stop. I was only going to have a pause over the summer to let my liver have a break and start again after 3 months. And then 3 months turned into a year, and a year turned into 10. I don’t miss drinking. Well. Sometimes I do. But I think I can count the number of times I’ve *really* wanted a drink on one hand. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I’m so much better without it. I could be a horrible person with it. I haven’t started again as I can’t trust myself. And that’s not good. I know my last reference point wasn’t ‘normal’. 23. A student. Recently diagnosed and drinking to cope. Not that I knew that at the time. I’m happier without it. Even though people think I’m boring because I don’t drink. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">That’s their shit, not mine. I can be just as ridiculous sober as I was drunk, but know I won’t fly off the handle, or get immediate memory blanks or get the shame. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Back at the hospital tomorrow. It’s my second 4 weekly visit in a row. My liver is under control and the ‘roid rash’ has gone. But. Chemo plague is spreading onto my face from my neck. Not happy about that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">AND I CAN SUNBATHE!!!! For the first time in 10 YEARS!!!!! Bosutabib doesn’t fuck with the melanin cells so I can once again go brown and not just burn. I don’t have to worry about being outside. It is AMAZING! I still wear factor 30 though. People who burn are fucking idiots and there is no excuse. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I should be getting the new drug in 4 week’s. I think it’s spelt Asciminib. The hospital have allowed me compassionate use. I’ve asked my consultant if it also impacts on melanin production. I really don’t want to have to give up the sun again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I give up so much. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I’ve started doing home exercises again as I’m fed up of being so critical about my body. I can’t go running because of low energy, so I’m making myself do them. Managed 3 times a week for 3 week’s so far. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Get weighed tomorrow.....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I also don’t have the dog as much which is very upsetting for me. Change. I hate it. Especially when it’s sudden. I have made a real effort to keep up with walking lots and most days I managed to get 10,000 steps. It’s so much easier when it’s sunny and I can be in it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I’ve just read my last post to see where I was. I’m much better than then. Still have my blips. I’ve been able to process what I wrote about then. It sits easier. And then I always have constant drama of one sort or another to occupy me.... friends and family are really beginning to clock that everything I do is complicated. Nothing is ever simple... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I want to write about one complication. Well. That’s not the right word to use. I don’t know what is. Maby I will one day. I don’t know. My usual car crash involving men. Don’t think I’m there yet to put it on the Internet. Still hoping. Not sure I should. Push me pull you. Words say one thing. Actions say another. What do I believe? So I carry on. One day at a time and see what happens. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I think I’m ok though. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Haven’t cried this week, so it can’t be that bad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">So to bed I need to go. My eyes are heavy and closing. I feel this is a bit of a nothing post. But I wanted to write. I’m still here. Still getting out of bed every day. Still doing my best. More news tomorrow. I’m going to ask if I can have a treatment break before starting the new drug. I hope my consultant says yes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Always hope. </span></div>
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Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-69654627138800675962018-04-14T10:55:00.003+01:002018-04-14T10:55:39.304+01:00Struggling <span style="caret-color: rgb(69, 69, 69); color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I feel horrific for feeling sad for myself out of others happiness. Life is a struggle at the moment. Shadowed by awful fatigue. Being exhausted before I even get out of bed. </span><br />
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This has an impact. Makes you feel down. Happiness is so much harder when your eyeballs hurt and you feel like you’ve been punched in the face. So my internal chat darkens. I become full of self pity. Which I hate. And then self loathing. </div>
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Why can’t I be happy for others? Why do I always then turn it into poor me?</div>
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So many things I want, that I don’t. Because I can’t. </div>
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Some because of my own choice. Choosing to be self employed. Working to others timetables is almost impossible. Being at work for 9am and not finishing until 6, 5 days a week would kill me. Choosing to do something people see as a luxury rather than a no brainer makes it a challenge to get new clients. Choosing to live in zone one which is so fucking expensive, because it makes life so much easier as I can get to most places in about half an hour, but therefore have no money. Which also impacts on everything. </div>
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I have to live on my own. I go to bed at 9pm most nights. I need, well at the moment, nearer 12 hours sleep each night. You can’t do that in a flat share. You can’t impose quiet and restrict others because you have to go to bed. </div>
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And because I’m tired and really struggle with evenings. I don’t really see any friends. I just sit on the sofa on my own. And go to bed on my own. And that can be pretty tough. Especially when you are a tactile person and need and crave hugs and cuddles. </div>
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There is wonderful news in my family at the moment. And all I can think is. It’s not fair. Why can’t it happen to me. What did I do that’s so wrong to deserve the life I have. And I hate that. I really don’t like myself for thinking like this. </div>
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I’m 35 next year. This is not what I imagined. </div>
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And for all of you who think ‘you’re SO young’. You can fuck off. I’m not. This is not what I want. Yet it’s what I have. </div>
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I thought cancer has a lot to do with it. It impacts on everything. It scares people off. It’s like having a child that no one wants to take on. I can’t get rid of it. I’m tied to it. But maybe that’s just a part of it. Rather than the reason. </div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I don’t blame cancer. Then I would be blaming my body. Maybe I should. I don’t know. There is obviously something fundamentally wrong with me. Maybe I think it’s cancer that’s off putting as that’s an easy thing to focus on. Maybe it’s just me. </span></div>
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So a rather self indulgent whinge about ‘poor me’ who is utterly fucked off with life at the moment. </div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-41024635844716854852018-03-21T10:41:00.000+00:002018-03-21T10:41:05.424+00:00Words for MPs<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I have lived with blood Cancer and been on oral chemotherapy every day since I was 22. That’s 11 years 2 months and one day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will live with it for the rest of my life. Nearly feinting twice in a week led to a blood test on Friday 19<sup>th</sup> January 2007, in the morning, and that night, a phone call from the Western General in Edinburgh and enough information given to me to work out they thought I had cancer to get me to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>go to the hospital, as I wanted to call<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my parents who were over 400 miles away and tell them I had cancer, before I went in, rather than a stranger from the hospital do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in my third year reading History of Art.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Chronic myeloid leukaemia. Old man’s cancer. To be female with it and so young is rare. Daily oral chemotherapy keeps me in remission. Keeps me alive. Causes sever chronic fatigue. So much so that a stem cell transplant has been offered for quality of life reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am yet to make that decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the mean time I am at the hospital fortnightly trying different drugs, when they are granted rather than denied, and different dosages to see which lets me at least try to live my life normally. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The main problem about living with a blood cancer and having my hair is that no one gets it. So much of the ‘normal’ cancer care and ‘normal’ treatments don’t apply. As a chronic cancer patient I fall through the gaps in so many places. I have never, for example, had an HNA – they didn’t exist when I was diagnosed, or filled out the national Cancer survey. And so many surveys around cancer simply don’t apply to chronic blood cancers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When I was told about the Cancer recovery programme by Bloodwise and mentioned it to my consultant we both thought how great it sounds. Yet I am not eligible. She knows nothing about it. I will at this rate never come off treatment. I will never be cured. Very clever and amazing research has developed these magical chemotherapy pills that yes, have saved my life, but because I am a sensitive responder, so young compared to the majority of my clinic (in Edinburgh where I was diagnosed I called my clinic gods waiting Room), being exhausted all the time is an issue. I need the same amount of sleep as a toddler, between 10-12 hours just to get through the day, that doesn’t include the evening! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that’s just not realistic when trying to run a business and have a ‘normal’ life at 33. So I don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I either work or see friends, I can’t do both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the weekend is mainly sofa based to rest and recover from the week so I can do it all over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So my social life is basically non-existent. Due to these clever pills that for so many are ok and for those that aren’t, we learn to life with side effects and try to manage them the best we can, it’s almost like ‘box ticked’ with treatment and care. Don’t get me wrong, there is new research being done but it’s years from being in people and not mice. My current consultant is amazing, and I’ve told her she can never retire! I genuinely don’t know what I would do without her. And she does her best to think of ways to let me live my life. But I don’t. Fortnightly hospital appointments after 11 years is very unusual. Still trying to find the right drugs that I am ok on. For people like me, who look fine, who aren’t in -patients, aren’t on intravenous chemo or radiotherapy who don’t fulfil the ‘correct cancer patient criteria’ can really struggle with life. And it’s for people like me who in a way need support more than others as we don’t meet the criteria for other help available. We are too well for the criteria on the forms and our answers to questions aren’t right as they don’t take into consideration what it’s like to live with a chronic blood cancer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I get out bed every day because I refuse to give in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am exhausted before I get out of bed every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every day is a mental battle get things done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Living with an invisible illness like chronic myeloid leukaemia has helped make me, me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I wouldn’t change that for anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would however, like to change the side-effects of treatment and to have an end date in site. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would like to no longer be a blood cancer patient without having to risk my life with a stem cell transplant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ask you today from the bottom of my heart to help get my message back to the decision makers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To let them know that it’s not just the sexy cancers like Breast that need all the focus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s those that no one knows about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like CML . Tha</span><span lang="EN-US">t never go away and are never cured.<span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-36140595983136089502018-02-05T14:13:00.004+00:002018-02-05T14:13:47.861+00:00Fed up. Again. <div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Nothing particularly has changed recently but I am feeling fed up. And it culminated yesterday on world cancer day. It really fucked me off. And I don’t know why. Well. I probably do. For most they might only experience one or two during their treatment. It’s my 11th. 11 fucking years of cancer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And I saw posts of people suggesting what to do. Take people food. Give them a ring. See how they are. Well really. That should be happening regardless. Why should one day a year flag that a friend or family member might need you. And I know I’m being a complete twat about this. So many don’t know how to react to a cancer diagnosis and don’t know what to do. I know I have become so blase about it all. About death. About the shit side effects. Of how treatment impacts on the body. And yes. I am even more aware of the fact that this hasn’t been my ‘journey’. I am ‘lucky’. What’s a pill or two a day? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Compared to some. It’s nothing. Steroids are making me fat and spotty. It’s pissing me off. Ridiculous I know. Just so fed up of it at the moment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I think it’s when I dip like this that I miss my girl gang the most. Those who are now all over the world and no longer in London. And I’m shit about organising to see those who are here as my focus in the evening is the sofa. And that’s boring. For everyone. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Still waiting to hear on other drug options. There is the possibility of another new pill alongside the new interferon. Hope....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Luckily my liver is fine today so my steroids have been dropped. Back in two weeks. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I just need more sleep. A fairly busy week last week and too many nights that weren’t 10 plus hours sleep. This is a phase. It will pass. It always does. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And it’s ok to feel like this occasionally. It’s ok to be pissed off that my life is not my own. It’s ok to feel like there is never any acknowledgment to how hard it is to live with a chronic cancer. It’s ok to feel fucked off that because I have my hair it’s assumed everything is ok and my life is easy. It’s ok. It will be ok. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Just feel like I have a bit of a hole in my heart at the moment. But it will mend. It will be ok. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">With love and hope,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">XxX</span></div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-27978268035437514492018-01-28T18:46:00.002+00:002018-01-28T18:51:27.565+00:00Cancer On Board<div>
My little charity. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgPlaoOG3cGjxveOHKQDgz5ZLupr1mxXjutBcu0CHqwfpSfI2a2obNrLSRa2aeK8M47wSf03sANuHR-UgqNg4F8onf9ut_7othkLHNERPg-KO4iEmK9aVfAPttTA2ht4ZYn2peCGTpXu0/s1600/badge+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="635" data-original-width="480" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgPlaoOG3cGjxveOHKQDgz5ZLupr1mxXjutBcu0CHqwfpSfI2a2obNrLSRa2aeK8M47wSf03sANuHR-UgqNg4F8onf9ut_7othkLHNERPg-KO4iEmK9aVfAPttTA2ht4ZYn2peCGTpXu0/s200/badge+2.jpg" width="150" /></a>Nearly a year ago the paperwork came back from the charities commission or whatever its called to say that Cancer On Board did deserve charitable status and what we are doing is worth it. I say we because there are 3 of us who are trustees and have been running it all so far. With help along the way of course. Lovely lawyers who did all the paperwork pro bono, <span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , "bitstream charter" , "times" , serif; font-size: 16px;">and some of my networking contacts for doing the website, the logo, and the printing of the printed cards and a banner for very little or no money</span>. And a massive thank you goes to a friend of James (the person whose idea it all was) who has helped with design, words and the overall feel of the charity. And everyone who has been kind enough to give donations. Without these people, it wouldn't be where it is so far. </div>
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On Monday night we had the official launch at the House of Lords. A massive thank you to Lord Cashman for hosting the evening and taking the time to be there and speak. As a trustee and a chronic cancer patient, I spoke about the difference the Cancer On Board badge has made to my life. And I can't really put it into words. I now don't worry about getting on the tube and being able to sit down. This is huge. Massive. More than a relief. It's changed my life in London. It's had a bigger impact than the TFL 'please offer me a seat' badge. The two combined are a killer combo meaning that I always get a seat. It might take a stop or two, but I always get one. (Unless I'm feeling ok and I hide them as I can stand/lean against the tube wall etc until I get off). I can't really remember what I said in my speech. I made notes but in true me style I didn't really follow them... but I did manage to get through without crying or swearing! The launch was only 3 days after my 11th cancerversary and with my mother standing right at the front in my line of sight I didn't know if I would make it through or not. But I did. </div>
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The launch, I think, has been a success. Mentions on social media from other cancer charities and cancer bloggers. Verbal support from various members of the Houses of Parliament. But I suppose the main thing for me was to give some exposure to looking healthy and living with a chronic blood cancer that no one knows about. Cancer is often hidden. We are bombarded by the media and cancer charities of photos of people with no hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and attached to tubes. For many, yes, this is cancer. But for so many it isn't. And if our Cancer On Board badges help to educate the general public about this. Well. Then my work is done. </div>
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I have now lived with cancer through my 20s and early 30s. It's with me every day. I take chemotherapy tablets every day. But I also live every day. And that's we want to do with our badge. To make living with cancer during treatment just that little bit easier. </div>
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If you want to know more/get in touch/get a badge/or give a little donation (only £1.50 gets a badge in the post to someone) please go to www.canceronboard.org and follow us on Facebook/twitter/Instagram. Just search Cancer On Board.</div>
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With love and hope,</div>
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XXX</div>
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Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-54494671714175020022018-01-19T08:22:00.000+00:002018-01-19T08:22:03.280+00:0011 Years Today<span style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">11 years. Can't quite believe it. I haven't cried this week. That's strange. Normally in the lead up I'm a bit emotional, weepy. Not this year. And I think I only cried once over Christmas! Maybe I managed 10 years and now it's just another tally on the sheet. Becoming less relevant. I don't know. </span><br />
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Or maybe because the last couple of weeks since being back in London has been really busy. No time to think and dwell on me. Meetings and clients and research and admin has definitely dominated. Which is good. The way it's meant to be. </div>
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And I had just over 2 weeks off at Christmas. A proper rest. I'm not completely destroyed by fatigue at the moment. I have hope with treatment options. Waiting to hear on a new interferon. My consultant is outstanding. She has carried on over Christmas to track down the right people to speak to. A year ago, two years ago, three years ago (you get the picture) I had no treatment hope. I thought how I was was it. And in the last year I have been offered a transplant and interferon. So far the interferon hasn't been great or worked on my resistant CML. But. It's not. Well this is your life and make the best of it. (Jury is still out on transplant). </div>
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I can't really believe another year has gone by. Time is going by so fast. </div>
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So I don't really know how I feel today. I suspect I've just been too busy to focus on it or realise it's here. 7.30 tonight is the time. The time the phone rang. And my life took a turn I never expected. I'm not angry about it. I get fed up and fucked off about things from time to time. Exhaustion isn't fun. But. So many positives. Tonight I am seeing wonderful friends that I have met because of cancer. </div>
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I love my job and what I do. Because of cancer. </div>
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I know how much I am loved. Because of cancer. </div>
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I know who I am and love who I am. Because of cancer. </div>
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And I'm getting to the point where I think I am who I am. Because of cancer. </div>
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And would I change it? No fucking way. </div>
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So today. 11 years after getting my blood cancer diagnosis of Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia shall be a happy day. Because I can't enjoy my life and be happy if I'm not happy about cancer. </div>
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With love and hope,</div>
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XxX</div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-31835471820087360312017-12-16T20:55:00.003+00:002017-12-16T20:55:36.125+00:00Cancer and I<span style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">It's been circling in my mind so I am doing what I do. Writing to get it out. I don't want this to seem all me me me. But of course. It's going to be all me me me. </span><br />
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I've been becoming more and more aware of it. So many social media accounts with thousands of followers because the person had or has cancer. I see them in my work social media a lot. Another person who talks about their diagnosis on their work website. Another person who is so brave/strong/amazing etc because they talk about how shit they feel on their work social media because they had cancer and got the all clear 5,6,7, 10 years ago. Another person who gets all this recognition. </div>
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Maybe that's what fucks me off. It's the whole 'what about me' thing that I have. I was going to say it's a problem. Not sure that's the right way to explain it. It's definitely a middle child syndrome. </div>
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I made a conscious decision when I was diagnosed nearly 11 years ago not to make cancer the only thing in my life. Maybe that's easy for me as a chronic. I was never going to die. I just take these pills every day. But I also have no end in sight. I don't know if I will ever be free of cancer completely. I don't know. </div>
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I could be that ill person. I could give up and not get out of bed. I don't. </div>
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Maybe that's what this is about. The fact that I battle with every day. Not with cancer. Let's get the straight. It's never been a battle. I will not battle with myself. With my blood. With my life essence. </div>
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Life on the other hand. Well. That's not so easy. </div>
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I work and have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am. I'm not saying others don't by the way. I made a decision not to have cancer as a part of my work. It's not really relevant to it. It's not why I do what I do. I do sometimes, and the sometimes has turned into often recently, wonder if I would be more successful, have more of a following on social media if I had 'cashed in that card'. </div>
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I haven't had a break since my treatment started in life to just focus on building a social media following or making a name for myself and cancer. No time to write articles and then follow up and follow up and follow up with editors/publications etc to get my pieces published. I haven't had a holiday since last Christmas. The most I have had off this last year is 5 days over a bank holiday weekend. </div>
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Making cancer your full time job is a full time job and I decided I wasn't going to do that. It's not all of me. It's not all of my life. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Maybe my life would be easier if I had. </div>
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I've had to increase my chemo dose. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm in bed at 8.45 on a Saturday night. I can't keep up pace when walking with my parents who are, well, over 55! </div>
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So I don't really know what this is about. Maybe I should stop smiling and say 'ok' when people ask how I am. I'm not really. Not at the moment. </div>
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And I know that having over 10,000 followers on Instagram wouldn't make it any better. I know that really, when you strip is all back, that's all a load of bollocks. I know this really. Deep down. It's just sometimes so fucking hard when you work so hard and it could be easier if I went on about cancer with my work social media. </div>
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But then. I haven't. So I will never know. I should just make my peace with what I have chosen to do and ignore the rest. 10,000 Instagram followers means fuck all in reality. They aren't there for you when you need them. They don't send you photos of Facebook memories from 10 years ago. They don't laugh hysterically when you say you were only wearing 6 layers today. They haven't been there for you through it all and are still there. </div>
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So really. Why the fuck would I want 10,000 Instagram followers. But some more clients would be nice. It's getting there. It's just. Well. Life is a bit challenging at the moment. </div>
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With hope. Always with hope. </div>
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XxX</div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-15206596859947614922017-12-01T18:57:00.001+00:002017-12-01T18:57:19.228+00:00Bosutinib round 3<br /><div class="MsoNormal">
Well I thought it was time for a catch up. Been back on Bosutinib now for nearly 3 weeks
– 3 weeks on Monday with very low dose steroids. I can’t remember what they are called but
they are an amazing colour!</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Good news – my liver isn’t fucked this time and the steroid dose
is so low I don’t notice it in any way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m also now on an even lower dose than when I began so that’s also
good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also don’t feel miserable which
is also good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I generally speaking, feel
happy and positive which makes a nice change!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Although, to be fair, I felt good on interferon every 10 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just didn’t have an impact at all on my (resistant)
CML, so I should probably just forget about that being a nice drug option in
terms of how I felt.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So how is Bosutinib?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Well, it took a week at the lowest clinical dose for an impact to be
noticed on my energy levels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was on
100mg a day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After that first week I’ve
been on 100mg/200mg alternating and I do feel tired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been getting shooting pains down my
skull which is my body saying, for gods sake GO TO BED!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am trying to get 10 hours sleep a
night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t always succeed though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My legs don’t hurt which is good, I was
getting a bit fed up of leg pain with interferon weekly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So that’s good. Trying to focus on the good.<o:p></o:p></div>
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There is an application in for the ‘nicer’ interferon that
isn’t licensed here, but it is in Europe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The decision lies with a panel of people at the Hospital who aren’t haematologists,
who don’t understand CML, who don’t know me and don’t really care that I am
always on at least half the standard dose so I am a cheap option compared to
others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waiting to hear if they say yes….<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve gone off the idea of a transplant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really don’t want to take the time out of
life now for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe being tired but
happy/ok with it will be bearable.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t know.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am knackered now though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Cancelled tonight’s plans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it’s
been a busy week.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I suppose I just need to see what happens…<o:p></o:p></div>
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Back at the hospital a week on Monday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Might know then about the other interferon.</div>
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With love and hope,</div>
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XXX</div>
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</div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-87751953127300777262017-10-30T14:04:00.002+00:002017-10-30T14:04:54.772+00:00Heavy heart<span style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I don't really know where to start. Fatigue. Needing 11 hours sleep and exhausted by lunchtime. Pain. Nausea. Sounds a lot like early pregnancy. Except I don't get a baby at the end of it. Hopefully one day. Hope. </span><br />
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I can't even get the words out. I am so fucking fed up of it all. </div>
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Interferon. I have renamed it 'interfering in my life fucking shit wank pile of drugs'. So that sums it up really. </div>
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An application is being made to see if I can access an even 'nicer' version. I will know in about two weeks. I will also know if my leukaemic rate has gone up more or settled down in two weeks. </div>
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If it has gone up and I get access to the 'nicer' one I will try that. If it's gone up and I don't get access I go back to Bosutinib with steroids for my liver.</div>
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I feel I don't have the right to whinge. So many are going through so much worse at the moment. </div>
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I've lost me again and I hate feeling like this. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I have two more injections left of this interferon. Back down to 10 days apart instead of 7 and then a week off has been agreed. As a birthday present from my consultant. </div>
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Another birthday looming. I don't care about my age. I don't look, dress or act nearly 33. I am acutely aware I am still single. On my own. And all my friends are in very different stages of their lives. It's so wonderful with weddings and happiness and puppies and then no doubt babies. I do feel left out. 4 out of 5 of my core unit are also no longer in london. And with all this shit going on I am feeling it. I miss them so much. I'm floundering slightly. Not connected. Alone. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
But I have others. I have my family. I have so much. </div>
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I just wish I also had my life. </div>
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<br /></div>
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And so with a heavy heart today. My heart aches for so many at the moment. And for me. Not sure how long it can go on for like this. </div>
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2 more injections. A check up. And then Christmas. I just need to get to Christmas and some proper time off. At least 2 weeks. I need it. Haven't had that since last Christmas. I will be ok. I will bounce back. It will all be alright. </div>
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<br /></div>
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It's just a bit shit at the moment. </div>
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<br /></div>
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With love and hope. Without that. There is nothing. </div>
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XxX</div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-21680053289635422812017-10-14T17:47:00.001+01:002017-10-14T17:47:39.673+01:00Interferon<div class="MsoNormal">
Interferon. Pegylated Interferon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These were not words I enjoyed hearing or being told it was a drug I would have to try.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first Interferon was so rank that they re-made it so it wasn’t as bad for patients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a sensitive responder hearing these words made me feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, sick actually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the first one was that fucking rank it was re-made, how the hell was I going to react to the ‘nice one’?!?!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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So after going back onto Bosutinib which was a failure in terms of energy levels and my liver, pegylated interferon became the last drug to try.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I didn’t want to take it, I took the prescription because, well, I was told to, but I suppose I thought it was worth a try.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All treatment boxes ticked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d given everything a go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A really good go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Making the transplant decision ‘easier’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could say hand on my heart that everything had been shit.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I started the interferon 6 weeks ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did read the side effects leaflet but pegylated interferon is the standard treatment for hepatitis so it wasn’t that relevant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m also on less than half the dose for hepatitis, so basically dismissed all the side effects.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The first 48 hours were fucking awful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did google side effects on the first day and chemo care came up. I ticked 5 out of 6 boxes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fatigue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nausea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Flu-like symptoms. Lack of appetite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing I didn’t have was a sore injection site.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh yes, I have to inject myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That doesn’t bother me, I’ve done it before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>10 years ago for IVF stuff.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Brilliant.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It then began to get better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only side effect that went completely was the flu-like symptoms. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But everything else was sort of bearable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fatigue was pretty shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I had committed to a month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would give it 4 goes and see how it was.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Check up after 4 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained how I was feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My consultant was sad that I had reacted so badly to the dose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I had started to feel a bit better with the side effects so I agreed to keep on going for a further two injections. My consultant said that she would drop me down to every 10 days, and suggested that I inject at night so I slept through the worst 12 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of that!!! What a fucking idiot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is exactly what I said to her!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That I’m the fucking idiot, not her!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She is also on a mission to find out if anyone else is on less than 10 days on half dose and how they are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is very reluctant to push me up to full dose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank god.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
So.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How have the last couple of weeks been?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Much better. The leg pain has really subsided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nausea is still there but no way near as bad, and the fatigue?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today hasn’t been good, but I have had a busy week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have also been good at getting more sleep over the last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An 11 hour night one night and a few 10 and a half hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes a difference. Not sure how sustainable it is though, to need this much sleep for the rest of my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But all in all, I feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a day or two of feeling good after 7 days before the 10<sup>th</sup> day when I had the first 10 day break between injections, although, if I think about this 10 day cycle, that should be today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last week, day 8 and 9 I definitely didn’t feel the drug as much, but today is day 8 of this cycle and I feel fucked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it was doing nothing all last weekend that made me feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Actually thinking about it, last Saturday I didn’t feel great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, I’m not over analyzing too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Overall, fatigue is less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This week, I was Peer Reviewing a hospital on Thursday so have been working today and I am exhausted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Haven’t felt like this all day since I was on interferon weekly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Monday is the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get my latest Leukaemic rate result back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To see if everything was still under control after 4 injections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it isn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll cross the bridge when I come to it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If it is under control and have another leukaemic rate test done with 10 days between injections and it’s under control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am allowed to maybe go to injecting every 2 weeks, so I have a week of not so great and a week of much better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I might have found the answer.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I feel better like I did yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a good day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had some clients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Been asked to contribute to a pregnancy/mother website.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had amazing feedback from a talk I did at a corporate company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw my best friend who is over from The States.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we laughed and stayed out late because we were laughing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why would I risk this for a transplant?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With love and so much hope.<o:p></o:p></div>
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XXX<o:p></o:p></div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-33492030807218868622017-09-22T11:18:00.000+01:002017-09-22T11:18:16.630+01:00World CML Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNq6Stmc6iEcKigl5iNxtd3PqhNYw8CUFbQasgZTPui_gOsZgH9fkURznwho2yhgP1fxR4NQRDirNH92u_5LcO0VP6LIozTQNbjCZt6qGXdAGyUr0ZSCkfkUCDXzUgmPK8O6rilnOks1Y/s1600/IMG_5833.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNq6Stmc6iEcKigl5iNxtd3PqhNYw8CUFbQasgZTPui_gOsZgH9fkURznwho2yhgP1fxR4NQRDirNH92u_5LcO0VP6LIozTQNbjCZt6qGXdAGyUr0ZSCkfkUCDXzUgmPK8O6rilnOks1Y/s200/IMG_5833.JPG" width="150" /></a><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">So what does this mean? Probably not a lot to most. Most don't know what CML is. Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia. The translocation and therefore genetic mutation of chromosome 9 and 22. They don't know why it happens. It's not a lifestyle cancer. It just happens. It's rare. Only 4,800 people live with it in the UK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because it no longer kills those diagnosed with it, it gets very little attention from the press or (most) charities who prefer people who look ill. Harsh but true. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Much better to have a photo of a bald person with lines going into them than someone like me. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Tugs on the heartstrings more. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Gets people to give money. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I get that. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It doesn’t stop it from fucking me off. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The photo is me today. No makeup. 11 hours sleep. Still got fucking massive bags under my eyes. I don't look like a cancer patient </span>do<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> I. Way too much hair, eyebrows and eyelashes. I'm wearing one of my Bloodwise (go to bloodwise.org.uk and have a look. They are such an AMAZINGcharityy. I heart them).</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">When I was diagnosed, over the phone, I hadn’t been feeling quite right, not ill, but not right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weight loss which for me was a massive bonus!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Down from a size 14-16 to an 8 in around 6 months. Fucking BRILLIANT!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hair coming out in handfuls was a bit concerning but the thing that made me go to the doctor, or rather friends insisting I go, was nearly fainting twice in a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t faint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was gearing up for a collapse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not surprising when I had 112,000 detectable Leukaemic cells in that first blood test and my white cell count was something like 700.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normal range is 4-10.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They – the hospital, were astounded I was walking, talking and fully functioning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also explained the exhaustion and complete lack of concentration I’d had for the couple of weeks leading up to <b>that</b> phone call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could also feel my spleen...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body is pretty amazing in how resilient it is and kept going even though I was very close to being critically ill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not far from the ‘blast phase’ which is very dangerous in CML and well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might not be here today if that had happened. It also explains why I was in my own room in hospital, not on a multibed ward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">I’ve been through a lot of shit over the last 10 and a half years with my body, but you know what, it hasn’t really ever let me down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve not managed to get to that magic 0.000% with the Leukaemic rate to see if coming off treatment is a possibility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very few ever do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A transplant would mean that would happen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">My counts are now normal with my white cells, and my leukaemic rate is now 0.03% and I have around 23 detectable Leukaemic cells in the blood test they do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">It's a funny day today. I didn't know it existed until a year or so ago. Having said that. Time is a strange concept at the moment and what feels like yesterday could have been a year ago. So maybe I have known about it for longer. Today might be my last CML day as a CML patient. If I do have the stem cell transplant, this time next year I would be cancer free. No longer have Leukaemia in my blood. No longer be on the drug regimen that has impacted on my life so much over the last 6 years making my life pretty miserable. I think the first 4 years, actually no, most of the first year was horrific. I think I’ve had 3 years of it all being out of the last 10 and a half, but I’m not entirely sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hard to remember.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">But. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">It's ‘only’ a been pill. Oral chemotherapy. It could be worse. I'm 'lucky' I have an 'easy' cancer. And I might be risking my life in order to no longer have it because it's <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">such</i></b> a walk in the park… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">This wasn't meant to be a rant. I don't hate my cancer. I don't think 'fuck you cancer' as so many do. I can't and won't hate myself. When it's in your blood, that's what you would have to do. Hate all of you as your blood goes everywhere. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>And I absolutely refuse to think about myself in that way. Side effects of treatment have been pretty shitty, yes, but that's not the cancer, my cancer. That's the treatment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">I have met so many amazing people. I have done so many amazing things. I have been given a voice since my diagnosis and all of this I would NEVER change. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">I do wish I wasn't a 'sensitive responder'. That I could fully live my life AND take the daily treatment. Which is now a weekly injection as the oral chemo annihilated me too much. All of them. I tried all 5 options available. A couple of them twice. The problem is that there isn't much funding given to CML anymore because of these amazing pills that basically save everyone now, when pretty much everyone used to die. Another problem with these amazing new (potentially very toxic) treatments for Leukaemia that have been in the press so much recently is that they work on proteins on the cell surface of the cancer cells. With CML everything is on the inside of the cell so immunotherapy etc hasn't worked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">I thought I was going to have a bit of a focus with this post today. To try and raise some awareness of CML. When you look fine, and in my case so much better than I feel, but aren't always. And if today is my last national CML day as an active CML patient. Well. That's pretty huge. It's my tenth one this year. Maybe it's a good number to end on. Think I've had enough of living with CML in all honesty. I think I now just want to live. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">With love and hope,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">XXX<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-61073016597479417172017-09-18T17:51:00.001+01:002017-09-18T17:51:22.288+01:00Blood Cancer Awareness Month<div class="MsoNormal">
Words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t really know what to write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t really know why I am doing this other than a need to write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>September is blood cancer awareness month by the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blood cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Covers 134 different types of diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The 3<sup>rd</sup> biggest diagnosis in the UK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Combined, all the blood cancers together are the 5<sup>th</sup> biggest killer in the UK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More than breast or prostate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that you would know that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not a rant about charities who use dirty advertising.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s also national CML day this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should probably write about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should probably write something happy and upbeat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feels like it’s been a while since I had a happy post.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Interferon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last option before I have to decide.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Do I risk my life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I potentially make myself worse?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I decide in two weeks that enough is enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is enough?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What should I tolerate?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is normal?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What should I be able to do each day?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all so fuzzy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should every day be this much of an effort?<o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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So far Interferon has been pretty rank.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I got it wrong. I thought it was an injection every 3 weeks. It's not. I'm on a half dose weekly injection that I do myself. </span>The first week was fucking awful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God I felt ill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exhausted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nausea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nearly 3 weeks in?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still exhausted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still feel a bit sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But better than 2 weeks ago. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m so fed up of all of this. A waiting game. My consultant today. So hopeful and when I started to list all the side effects I'd been feeling her face fell again. Apparently, I'm not her heart sink patient. For this I love her more than words can say. I trust she was telling me the truth! And I could hear the question in her voice when she checked I was on half dose. I think full dose would annihilate me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I need to go to bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m at my co-working space and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to get the energy from to stand up and walk to the train station and get home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had 9 hours sleep last night.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not enough.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So I know I should be happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Write upbeat things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because who wants to be with someone who feels like I do? Who dares ask how I’m feeling?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because people don’t actually want to know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not the reality of how I feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We only like to hear good things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m the same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve basically stopped looking at social media because in all honesty, I couldn’t give a flying fuck about the majority of the things mentioned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What people are complaining about. So why should anyone care or read about my shit?<o:p></o:p></div>
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So I sit here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Writing this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Knowing that so many don’t actually want to read what I write about. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I have lost a kilo though, so that’s good.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am so fed up of all of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just want to know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But no one does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one can look into the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I’m back to the hospital in 2 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have decided to stay on Interferon for 2 more weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two injections left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope to fuck it gets better. This is it. The end of the road. Out of choices. Decide which is best. Or transplant. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Stem Cell Transplant. 3 words. That could be the end of my life. But. They could also be the start of my new life. My life where I can really live. Or is this a fantasy thought that doesn't exist? The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I don't know.</div>
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So this is my nothing of a blog post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ramblings that mean nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> So many questions and no answers.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m not miserable all the time by the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do smile and laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t just whinge in person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just tough at the moment.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I have an amazing consultant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An amazing family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Amazing friends and my Bloodwise gang who are always there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Bloodwise Ambassador Facebook group has become a bit of a lifeline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No judgment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A little plea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you haven’t heard of Bloodwise look at their website.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give some money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are why so many of us are alive.<o:p></o:p></div>
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With love and hope, I still have hope.</div>
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XXX</div>
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Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-57646168470877498822017-08-03T18:38:00.002+01:002017-08-03T18:38:49.965+01:00Still Here<span style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I've been meaning to write for weeks. I know there are those who read this who want to know how I am. My lovely Bloodwise ambassador lot. But I haven't had the headspace. Or rather. If I'm being honest. I haven't given myself the headspace. </span><br />
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It's been a rough few weeks. Last week was fucking awful. Really bad fatigue came out of nowhere and it was like a fucking massive punch in the face. And Bosutinib was meant to be better. According to my notes, in 2015 is was better. Why isn't it better. </div>
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I wonder if my body has just had enough. 10 and a half years of metabolising chemotherapy. And it's fed up of it. Exhausted. Fucked. Not ok the inside but ok on the outside. Still got my hair. Everyone telling me how good I look. Not fucking helpful when I feel fucking horrific. Yes it's great I don't look how I feel. Brilliant. Wonderful. But then. I don't want to look how I feel. No one would come anywhere near me. </div>
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So my consultant. That wonderful person who is trying to sort me out. Had so much hope in her face when she asked me a week and a half ago how I felt. And her struggling to find a solution when I said. 'Tired'. </div>
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So I'm back again on Monday. I've been on Bosutinib for, actually I can't remember. I think it will be four or five weeks on Monday. And I feel it. I've also been ill again. Exhausted. I need a break. I can't afford to go on holiday. To the sunshine. To somewhere beautiful where I can take photos of the sea and sunsets and my legs on a sun lounger in a bikini. I can't really afford my rent. It's a struggle to pay. And I chose to live on my own. Because I have to go to bed so early. I need quiet. I can't have my life and sleep disrupted by flatmates who don't understand. Who think being loud until 11pm is fine because 7 hours sleep is loads. I'm self-employed. Landlords also don't like that. Doesn't matter that I always manage to pay...</div>
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So back to the hospital I go on Monday. Looks like I'll be trying pegylated interferon. The new version of interferon because the old one was so fucking horrific. I'm nervous. Not going to lie. You inject it so I can't stop it after a couple of days if it's awful. It's there for 3 weeks. And half life's of drugs mean fuck all with my body. Technically I should feel fine after a couple of days of stopping the oral chemo's but it takes around 2 weeks. </div>
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Apparently pregnant women feel fine with the interferon.....</div>
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And I was asked. 'So when would you want to do the transplant?' </div>
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Do I? Do I really? I don't know. I have a life. Well. Sort of. </div>
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2 people I knew died this week. Found out about both on the same day. </div>
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One was a tragic accident. The other cancer. </div>
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And I'm still here. </div>
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Why. </div>
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Do I want to risk this for a transplant? It might not work. I might be worse. It could kill me. Is it worth it? At what point do I. Fuck. I can't even think of the words to express what's going on in my head. </div>
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I vaguely remember how I felt when I had my chemo break. I felt positive about the transplant. Like I could do it. I'd smash it. I'd be fine. I'd get my life back. </div>
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And today? Well today I guess I should just be happy I'm alive. </div>
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Or should I? At what point do I say no. No. This is not enough. This is not a life. This is not how it's meant to be. I am not meant to be exhausted all the time. I am not meant to be miserable. I am not meant to have cancer. I am not meant to scare men away with being honest about how I feel. My diagnosis. The fact I don't want to be single. The fact that I want a family. The fact that I live with cancer. The fact that life isn't always a walk in the park and fucking well grow up and realise that I'm not that bad. Even though I don't drink and have cancer. </div>
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And the guilt. Fucking hell the guilt. Too many funerals. Too much death. Why am I alive? And then. The guilt for thinking that everyone who dies gets all this recognition for how amazing they were and how graceful they were in death and how proud they are of how they hard they fought/battled/lost etc etc etc. </div>
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Where is my recognition for getting out of bed every single day no matter how long it takes me or how hard it is. </div>
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And then. I feel like a selfish twat who should be grateful for all I have. </div>
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But then. I have so little compared to</div>
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others. </div>
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But that's an easy game to play. You can always find someone worse and better of than you. </div>
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I am just so fucking fed up of it all. </div>
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I don't even have any tears left today. I don't have the energy to cry about this all. Again. </div>
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I just want it all to be over. </div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-68902175670918873272017-07-02T19:53:00.002+01:002017-07-02T19:53:29.529+01:00Lost My Happy<div class="MsoNormal">
So I know a lot of you have probably been wondering how I’ve been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A blog with a big bombshell and then a couple of follow up posts on how I’ve been and then silence.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I suppose the reason why is that I’ve been processing and not really wanting to acknowledge or admit what’s happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have realised though, that some of my Bloodwise Ambassador lot want to know what’s happening, have been worrying and that it’s not fair for me to stay silent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have another check up tomorrow, so I should update before tomorrow. As fuck knows what’s going to happen.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The last check up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was once again completely blindsided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went with both parents, for the first time, well, since ever I think!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were both with me the morning after I was diagnosed and have each come to appointments since, but I don’t think I have had both there in over 10 and a half years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my list of questions written.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had made up my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Transplant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to go for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The positives outweigh the risk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting my life back is worth around a year to 18 months out of action.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being how I was on my treatment break all the time, it’s worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The intravenous chemo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Losing my hair. Moving back home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pausing my work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pausing my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be able to be how I felt on my break all the time, not just for 4 weeks every 2 to 3 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then my consultant fucking well backtracked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got to try yet more fucking drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Transplant is a last option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be on drugs for life is much better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fuck Ing Hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the actual fuck?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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In shock.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not what I want.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So I have been on Ponatinib and it’s getting worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have lost my motivation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m unhappy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Days are not good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Energy is leaving me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got to choose what I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got to sleep for 11 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bye bye life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If everything is still as it was last check up, tomorrow I decide if I go back to Bosutinib with steroids to stop if from fucking my liver which I really don’t want to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body hated it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes I might have felt better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not fucking hard compared to being on Dasatinib for a long time. It ruins me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It all ruins me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did feel better on Bosutinib.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was only on it for 6 weeks and after being completely fucking ruined on Dasatinib ANYTHING would be better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A punch in the face would be better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or injecting myself with Interferon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t care about injecting myself – I’ve done it before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am incredibly worried about Interferon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a dirty, dirty drug.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So horrible they have re-designed it so it isn’t as bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I want to inject myself with a drug that will be in my system for THREE WEEKS at a time as a SENSITIVE responder? No. No I fucking don’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So.<o:p></o:p></div>
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What do I do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am so fucking fed up of it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just want it all to be over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have a life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m 32 and I lost my life years ago.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So for tomorrow I haven’t written any questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have no expectations of how it will be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even think I have the energy to get angry or upset.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m offered options but I don’t really have them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t really have a decision to make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all out of my control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I just have to resign myself to the fact that my life is shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lost it when I was 22 and it will never be the same again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Sometimes I think about jacking it all in and moving back home and just staying there for the rest of my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Not a very happy post today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have hope and an angel wing tattooed on me to remind me. I feel a bit lost at the moment, wondering where they are….<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
XXX<o:p></o:p></div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5217266628870586119.post-72567502558918912652017-06-08T17:51:00.002+01:002017-06-08T17:51:37.349+01:00No Words<div class="MsoNormal">
I have no words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t know what to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know
what to write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t really know why I
am doing this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My head is empty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s gone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It started slowly a couple of days ago and seems to have hit
me smack in the face today.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fatigue.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m exhausted.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fuck.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m on a half dose – I take Ponatinib every other day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one else takes it like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Legs started hurting after a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But that was ok. It’s manageable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A dull internal ache.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not really
a pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s hard to describe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always there but not really bothering
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This meant I have stayed on every
other day instead of going to daily.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started it nearly 3 weeks ago.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday I noticed that I started to feel tired after
lunchtime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I clocked it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had hoped it was just because the day
before I had been up early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I felt
tired on Tuesday afternoon and spent from 5pm on the sofa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had around 10 and a half hours on Tuesday
night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought it was just a blip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday I saw a client, then a meeting, then a bit of work
and supper with a friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing
hectic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Arguably much less that I have
been doing over the last few weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
at supper time I felt tired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really tired.
My eye was twitching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A fatigue signal
of mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was going to walk home but
couldn’t face it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went to bed at 8.40
last night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to sleep straight away,
but I had to get into bed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, after 11 hours sleep last night, I thought I would
carry on as I have been over the last few weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went for a short run – just over 2 miles,
then voted, and no, I’m not going to talk about that, and walked to my work
space.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I noticed my eyes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I feel heavy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My eyes are
burning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have any energy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t be fucked to do my work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even have the energy to cry about feeling
like this again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe it’s a glitch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
heaviness is reminiscent of my fatigue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what
it feels like to be normal tired, or what’s a normal amount to get done, or at
what point you feel exhausted after being able to have a life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My reference points aren’t what everyone else’s
are.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All I know is that after nearly 3 weeks back on chemo I don’t
feel right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t feel like me from a
couple of weeks ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I was really hoping that every other day would have fuck
all impact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like taking half a
paracetamol for a migraine.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Apparently not.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Check up on Monday.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<div class="MsoNormal">
So fucking fed up of all of this.<o:p></o:p></div>
Katie Rhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03377386877769888287noreply@blogger.com1