Chemo Free and Feeling GOOD

Well my lovely bloglets,

I tend to write this when I either feel fucking miserable and need to get things out of the head to stop myself from going mad.  Or something amazing has happened and I want to show off.

Today, it’s neither of those things.  I am writing because I feel happy and like me again!

It’s taken two weeks for me to feel like this again, a little longer than I was hoping, but, it’s here!!

So what does this mean?  Well, I’m not surviving on as little sleep as I thought I would and actually ended up sleeping for 11 hours last night which I wasn’t expecting.  But I had already decided to have a chilled morning, so I woke up when I did naturally, not to an alarm which is always nice.  I think that also since feeling better I have done a lot, so it’s not that surprising on reflection that I needed a long sleep last night.

I thought I would talk you through the days as there are only 3 and a half to talk about to show you how amazing it is to be like this.

Monday – I think I had 9 hours sleep, I went for a run!!!!!!  First time since fuck knows when, and then went to my work space.  I got EVERYTHING done on my to do list – I can’t actually remember the last time I managed to do this and then went to an event.  At the event I was able to stand for TWO AND A HALF HOURS.  I haven’t been able to do this in YEARS! I can normally manage about half an hour before I need to sit.  I was also able to concentrate and DIDN’T WORRY about getting home or sleep or how I would feel the next day or ANTYING.  I was then able to walk to the tube WITHOUT wanting to cry because I was so exhausted or wonder how the fuck I was going to find the energy to get there.  It was fucking IMMENSE.

Tuesday – I woke up after around 9 hours and got ready ON TIME, (I’m even quicker at making breakfast and getting ready) and ran my networking meeting.  I then had two meetings back to back and then a patient.  I also managed to STAND on the tube on the way home and DIDN’T CRY!!!!!!!!  I also managed to do all of this without mainlining caffeine and/or sugar.

Wednesday – I think I slept a little bit more, maybe more like 9 and a half hours or 10 hours and had a meeting and then a patient and then went to my workspace to work.  I then decided to walk home which took 40 minutes and saw a friend for supper.

Today – I ended up sleeping for 11 hours last night – I think I might have done a bit much over the last couple of days….. and I went for a run and then saw a friend and had a meeting and STOOD on the tube and have been doing emails for the last hour and a half AND I HAVE CONCENTRATION AND I DON’T FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE BECAUSE I’M SO EXHAUSTED AND I FEEL HAPPY AND I GET SHIT DONE AND I’M NOT WORRYING ABOUT TOMORROW.

I have my life back.

I definitely have 2 more weeks of this and I am going to enjoy and love EVERY SINGLE SECOND.  And not worry about the decision I have to make.  I haven’t felt like this in years.  I don’t know how long I will have this for.  It’s so fragile.  It’s possibly so short lived.  But fuck it feels GOOD.

So I thought I would write so show the impact of being chemo free has on my life.  Or maybe to show the impact that being on chemo has. 

Being able to concentrate all day.  Something so many take for granted.  For me, this is a luxury. 

I feel light.  The bags are fading. I don’t have to choose work or friends.  I don’t have to think, if I do this today, will I be able to function tomorrow.  I don’t have to choose exercise, or get my work done.  I am free.  This is what 32 is meant to feel like.

With love and hope,

XXX

Normal. What is that anyway?

Desperate to be normal. But what is that? I have been different for the last 10 years because of living with a chronic cancer. I want to highlight that I am living with it. It is not me. I am not it. I am not defined by it. But yes of course it does impact on me, shapes me, is partly responsible for who I am today. Diagnosed at 22 - such formative years. Would I be who I am today anyway? I don't know. 

So it's mental health week. People who 'aren't normal'. Walk around with a hidden thing at all times. Smiles mask so many internal thoughts and feelings. 

I would also like to flag at this point that I do not have depression, anxiety, OCD or anything else in the myriad that is 'mental health'. What I do have is huge self-awareness and the need to write, so I write about how I feel and put it on the internet. 

So yes. Maybe I am a bit mental....

And my internal chat isn't always kind. Fat. Ugly. This is why you are single. Cancer and not drinking scares men off. The fact I want babies and talk about it. Fucking hell. DONT DO THAT. Nothing more off putting than someone who is honest… 

And then the flip side. Seen as too self-confident. Too self-assured. Because I am happy with me. Basically. Most of the time. I like me. I love me. Cancer has taught me that. Therapy has shown me that. I don't hate cancer because that would mean hating myself. And frankly. That is something I am not prepared to do or even consider. 

So why am I writing this on the first day of mental health week? Maybe to show that it's not just the obvious things that affect your mental health. Just because I don't take antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds doesn't mean I don't sometimes battle with my mind. I do. 

I am on a chemo break and at the weekend after nearly 2 weeks off treatment I have begun to feel lighter. Less fatigued. More like me. Happy? I think so. It's such a fragile thing happiness. Yesterday I felt happy. Content. I cooked, cleaned, read a crime novel, stayed off screens. And then I saw something and immediately my mind flipped. I was upset. I was sad. I questioned why I am. What is my life? Why did I get this? Why do I live with this invisible thing that's with me and impacts on everything? It wasn't so much of a problem when I was younger, but the impact is becoming more and more. The longer I spend on treatment- daily pill chemotherapy- the more of an impact it makes. The fatigue gets worse. More debilitating. I don't live a normal life. I can't do everything that my friends do. It's shit. And the impact of that on my mental health is fucking massive. 

And people don't get it. I don't look like a 'normal' cancer patient. I get on with it. I refuse to be an ill person. I push myself. I get out of bed every single fucking day. Even when the thought of it makes me want to cry.  

And I say with a smile 'it's ok, it could be worse. It's just a pill. I still have my life'. 

But do I? 

Why can't I do a day's work AND go out and see friends in the evening? Why do I need between 10-12 hours sleep EVERY night just to sort of function the next day? Why do I have to worry about the impact of what I do today on how I will feel tomorrow? Why do I have to say no to going to things that involve standing for more than about half an hour because I have to sit down? Why aren't I married with a baby? Why aren't I loved? What is wrong with me? Is life really meant to be like this at 32?

Cancer. 

Maybe it's all in my mind. Maybe I am living a self-fulfilling prophecy thinking these thoughts. Maybe I put people, men, off. 

I don't know. 

So I know this isn't a 'normal' mental health blog post. Normal. What is that anyway?! And I should know that at 32 and happy wearing gold shoes, a neon print cat jumper and a faux leopard print fur jacket that I am anything but normal. 

And you know what? I'm pretty fucking happy about that. 

I live constantly contradicting myself in my mind. Always arguing the other side. 

But today. I am 2 weeks chemo free as I have been given a break and I’m feeling like me again. I woke up naturally after 9 hours sleep.  I managed to go for a little run. I've had my breakfast, showered, got to my workspace and I don't feel completely fucked and out of energy. So this makes me happy. I vaguely remember life being like this. 

So today, in mental health awareness week I am doing what I can to educate about chronic cancer and the impact it has on mental health.

With love and hope,

XXX