I was recently asked to take part in a survey as I am a cancer sufferer. Urgh. My initial response in my head was ,no fuck off. I fucking HATE that phrase. And then took a breath and thought. It's not your fault you use it. It seems to be an accepted phrase that everyone is happy with. Until you speak to those who have or have had cancer (I nearly wrote cancer community *vomit*) and you realise that actually we hate it.
Those of you who read this regularly or follow me on twitter will know I have my own language I use. My recent bout of chemo plague is going, thank god, and I no longer look like a spotty teenager. I think it was from my new drugs that my body is adjusting to.
On the new drugs front. All seems to be ok other than my old buddy fatigue. Now. I would like it if that fucked off! I have stopped feeling sick and no longer have prickly skin on 100mg, 200mg was definitely too much for me. I am so happy my consultant went from the, let's build you up slowly and see how you go approach rather than start at the standard dose of 500mg and we'll reduce if you have any side effects option. That was the approach of my old consultant. I am so relived I have my new consultant. Last night I emailed her a non urgent question about exercise and she replied in TEN MINUTES!!! On a Friday night! Amazing. Truly love her. So much.
Leukaemic rate result in just over a week which will be the true sign of how the new drug at the lowest possible dose is doing. Fingers crossed.
Anyways. I have digressed. Back to language.
So I hate the 'accepted' language but I also don't like it when people say 'fuck cancer' either. Possibly strange because I swear so much. But it's true. Maybe it's because I have lived with it for so long and have such unusual treatment that I can't think about it like that. I wouldn't change my diagnosis. And I know not many would say that. But it's true. Maybe it's because I haven't had invasive surgery or intravenous chemo and radiotherapy. Maybe it's because other than fatigue I can get on it with. I don't really have any scars from it literally or metaphorically. And when I read fuck cancer I grimace and my stomach tightens because it doesn't sit well with me.
But then who am I to say what is right or wrong when another is using it because it is right for them and how they feel about having had a diagnosis.
I'm writing this because I need to get it out. Not to say that people are wrong to say it when they themselves have or have had cancer, it's just not my approach and attitude towards the cancer I live with.
Life would be boring if we were all the same though. Right?
So I sign off as always with love and hope. And I suppose because in a weird way I love my cancer as it is part of me I can't have this angry fuck you attitude towards it. It's lurking in my blood stream. Maybe in my left leg or my right little finger. I don't know. And because I love me. For all the whinging I do about my appearance I do. And I love all the good that has happened since my diagnosis and all the wonderful things I have done and people I have met. It's truly amazing. And I love that I can make a difference and do.
And hope. Because I always have that too. Not just because I got it tattooed on me. Sorry Mummy. I hope that I will be able to become chemo free. I hope that no one else experiences the shit that I did. And I hope that those who face a new diagnosis do get better and that their treatment works. I hope because without it there is nothing.
XxX
No comments:
Post a Comment