Not feeling right. Feeling empty. Feeling fed up. Questioning if I should have got a normal job. Has it all been a huge mistake. Not feeling happy. No energy to do anything.
Crying. A lot of crying.
I have felt like this before. I know it will pass. Waiting for that day when I wake up feeling better seemed like it would never happen.
But over the last couple of days I feel lighter again. And today. Well. I think I feel a bit happy.
Has is all been to do with my liver?
So. Sad news. My new drug that I feel better on and my liver don't get on. Apparently a very common side effect.
I have been off my drugs for nearly a month and that's another reason why I've been feeling so frustrated about feeling so shit. Why?!? I'm drug free. Fucks sake.
Interestingly. When I stopped my drugs, my fatigue signals appeared again. Shooting pain down my head. Achey legs. Maybe my new drugs block them so when I think I feel better, I am in fact just as exhausted. And my body can't tell me. So maybe I have spent a few weeks catching up.
Long busy days still make me exhausted and make me cry if I have to use my brain.
I've been sleeping between 10 and 11 hours and on the odd occasion 11 and a half hours a night nearly every night for the past month. I thought I would be down to less by now. Although I did wake up a bit earlier today.
Back to my liver. So it's impacting on an enzyme which I haven't actually looked up so don't know what it does. Will ask my consultant when I see her. It's best I don't google things to do with my cancer etc. Google can be very dangerous.
So the normal level is about 40 and a month ago it was over 500. It's creeping down and last Tuesday it was 115 so getting there.
This may be why I have been feeling a bit shitty. I'm definitely blaming my fucking awful spots on it!
When I go back on my drugs. If this carries on I will have to take steroids for a few weeks to stop my liver reacting. This goes against everything I believe in as a Naturopath.
But.
Do I want to go back on an older drug that I have taken and not got on with?
I don't know.
But I will talk to this with my consultant. I heart her. She will lay it all out for me on the table. So I can make the best decision for me. Not for her.
So the fun and games continue with my body. At the moment I'm slightly struggling with being 'lucky'. It doesn't feel very fucking lucky at the moment.
But. I can at least go and sunbathe now and not burn.
And remember my baby massage class that went so well yesterday. Seeing the happy babies enjoying the massage with their mothers is a very special thing to be able to do.
Angel wings are on their way. I have emailed the tattoo artist. A bit of my brain wonders if I will regret it. On my wrist. A visible place. What about when I'm old and my skin is different? But then. Fuck it. I need reminding that I'm looked after. That I have people there for me. All the time. Not to feel lonely and withdraw from my friends as I have over the last few weeks. That's not good. That's when I need them the most. Going silent doesn't help.
So my wings will appear soon. I don't know when yet.
With love and hope,
XxX
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