Bone Marrow Transplant?

Well my lovely bloglets,

I’ve got a really big decision to make.  Well, at least I’m pretty sure I need to make the decision; that’s not already made.  There might be another option, going by recent history it won’t be better.  It was a bombshell that blindsided me a bit.  A lot.  Spent most of Monday in a bit of a daze.  So unexpected.  My gut reaction was ‘thank god and do it’, but then my brain kicked in.  It would mean taking a pause from life.  Just as my business is really beginning to pick up….  I would become a ‘normal’ cancer patient.  Is this what I want? 

I had my check up on Monday and was talking to my consultant about my fatigue and how debilitating it is.  I’m trying to get 11 hours sleep a night.  And I still feel fucked by lunchtime the next day.  It’s not meant to be like this.  Is it?  I don’t know.  What’s ‘normal’ tiredness?  I’ve lost touch with what is right and wrong.  I’ve felt like this for so long and it’s getting progressively worse.  And I don’t think that’s normal.

And then I think of other people who have chronic fatigue and chronic fatigue syndrome and they can’t get out of bed, so then I think, well I’m ok then.  I get out of bed.  I function. Well, just about.  I go to meetings and see clients.  I can look after myself.  I can cook and clean and tidy.  So maybe I think I’m worse than I am.  But then the way my head and body feels.  It can’t be normal.  I feel so heavy.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the face.  My head aches.  I fuel myself with caffeine and don’t stop eating.  I don’t really get anything done as I can’t focus.  I cry.  I eat eggs on toast as I don’t have the energy to cook.  Or go to the shop.  I have to sit all day.  And then I walk as fast as I can when I have to walk, so it’s over as quickly as possible.  I don’t really have a social life.  I managed to see a friend earlier in the week as we met near where I live so I could mentally deal with meeting up.

So on Monday when telling my consultant that I need around 11 hours sleep and she looked through my file and said to me.  Do you want a bone marrow transplant?

What.  The.  Fuck.  Fuck. This is big.  This is huge.  This is almost too much to deal with.  Shit. 

Do I?

The reason is because I am on pill chemo I get progressively worse. I get given a break and I feel good and then my leukaemic rate goes up so I have to go back on it and I’m ok. And I just get worse and worse and worse.  My quality of life is pretty fucking awful.  I either work or see friends.  I can’t do both.  I get into bed around 8pm.  This is not a sustainable way to live for the rest of my life.  I’m 32.  It’s not meant to be like this.

So do I want a bone marrow transplant?  I think I do.  A cure.  To be cancer free.  Something I never thought could happen.  No longer a cancer kid.  It’s been with me for 10 years.  Maybe it’s now time to say goodbye.  It would mean I don’t have to tell guys about it which puts them off.  It means I don’t have to get to a place where I am allowed a year off treatment to have a baby.  It means I’m not fucking exhausted all the time.  It means I’m not worried about how much sleep I will get that night and the impact it will have on me the next day.  It means.  Well.  It means I get my life back.

The bad side.  Well.  It could kill me.  Or rather an infection could when I have no immunity.  I need to find a donor who is a good enough match.  I could have all sorts of side effects from it.  Serious damage could be done to my body.  A life of pain.  And of course.  A life of post-transplant fatigue.  Do I want this?  No.

The transplant process is around a year.  I would be living in hospital for some of it.  I would have to pause my business for a while. It could be for a year, as in the beginning, I would probably be ok to carry on working.  Not when my hair falls out.  Not when I become ‘a cancer patient’ and certainly not when I’m living in hospital.  Will that damage it? Will all the work over the last 2 and a half years disappear?

And I feel a little bit like a failure.  With all my knowledge, why haven’t I been able to ‘fix’ myself?  Will people judge me?  Will they think, why should I see her?  Spend my money seeing her to help my health when she couldn’t help herself?

So, do I want a transplant?  I think I do.  It’s fucking terrifying. 

I asked my consultant if she would do it and she said yes.  This gives me confidence.  I trust her implicitly.  With my life.

I would be doing it as a ‘healthy’ person rather than an ‘ill’ one.  My body would be in a better place to go through it.  I have thought about the ‘what ifs’ of a bone transplant and if I had had one over the last 10 year.  Would my life be better?  Well now, I have the chance to find out.

I have one more pill chemo to try if I want to.  The problem is, I normally feel ok to begin with.  The fatigue is accumulative.  And if I do this, I want to start as soon as I can.

I’m on a 4 week chemo break at the moment so hopefully by this coming Monday I will feel better.  Back to normal.   And when I do, I will truly know if it’s the right thing to do. 

I can’t have the rest of my life like this.  It’s unbearable.

So do I want a bone marrow transplant?

I think I do.

I will need all my angels with me for this one.

XXX