The Lead Up

Well my lovely bloglets,

Some thoughts have been tumbling around my head so I thought I would sit down and write.  As I do.  To get them out.

6 days.

In 6 days 10 years ago, possibly right at this moment the phone rang and a chain of events happened that I never thought would be.

Cancer.

This week is a funny one.  It's one that I remember so vividly.  Even though it was so long ago.

I don't really know what else to day other than that.  Today has been good, well after I got over the foul mood I was in when I woke up.  Exhausted.  Didn't want to go to a meeting.  But this afternoon I went to the doctors to say I didn't want to flu jab and really made the nurse laugh.  Which made me smile.  And then I went to see one of my wonderful friends.  So even though the fatigue is there, it was under the surface enough to make today a good one.

Seeing friends.  This is my aim for the year.  Mustn't withdraw and retreat like I did last year.  Business being better helps.  I'm still working fucking hard, but the pressure is different.  Not quite so panicked about how the fuck I'm going to pay my rent.  Which frees up head space to see people.  Who make me laugh and smile.  It's good.  I need more of that.

And yesterday I was with my niece.  Being an Aunt has to be nearly the best job in the world.  I love her so much.  And when I arrive there's a massive 'Katie!!!!!!!!' and she's happy to see me and we laugh and she makes me laugh and I get toddler cuddles and kisses.  And she wants to hold my hand. The baby soft skin she still has and the crease where her wrist is.  So grown up now, but there is still echoes of baby in her.  Part of me never wants her to get bigger.  Sleepy warm cuddles after she wakes up from her lunchtime sleep and playing hide and seek with her standing in front of me saying 'find me Katie, find me, I'm hiding'.  Although in reality she is visible, right in front of me, but I pretend not to see her and go 'looking for her'.  Precious time.  All the memories.  It's magical.

Next Thursday is a big one.  I never thought I would still be on treatment after 10 years.  I thought I would have got to the place where I would be able to trial coming off chemo and staying there.  Monitored, but chemo free.

So I don't know.  So many thoughts.  So many emotions.  But I'm here.  I'm still here.  Moving forward.  Always.  Nothing will stop me.

With love and hope,
XXX