Well my lovely bloglets,
Today is a bit of a strange day for me.
My 7th cancerversary. Can't believe it. 7 years of treatment and
over the last few months it has really been taking its toll. My degree is
insane and the work load is monumental. I was talking about it on Thursday
in a small group session I have once a month called Personal Development where
we can bring issues/problems/things that have been playing on our minds from
clinic and our interaction with patients or each other. I spoke about
burnout because that is where I am. Burnout. Dropping out sometimes
is a very tempting thought, but I have not got this far to do that.
Deferring modules is not an option as we are, this year, the last of my
course. I never understood why final year students left this close to the
end. I now get it.
Whilst I was talking about this and the
fact that today is 7 years, I got upset, which didn't bother me, I warned
everyone that it would happen and it's fine, but I also experienced the most
surreal feeling. I got very hot and sweaty and felt that every cell in by
body was vibrating and felt very shaky and jangly. After this I experienced
a calm and the realisation to allow myself to let go. It must have been a
massive emotional release that I have been needing to do for a while.
In December I saw my personal tutor and
she said I never ask for help. I have been thinking about this and it's
true. I feel that I must be strong and make sure that everyone knows I'm
ok so they are ok. I need to trust that everyone is ok and that I can
talk about how I really feel without upsetting anyone or feeling that I am
constantly whinging. This space, where I can write helps me so much, but
I need to talk. To stop bottling it all up.
I feel a massive relief today, I have
finished two essays and I have, I think, got a 6 week extension on my
dissertation which means I can breathe a bit. I can take this week off
and look after me.
I never thought I would still be on
treatment now, and I don't quite know how to ....I don't know what I am trying
to say. Yesterday is was my friend Jacks birthday who died a few years
ago. He was so strong and positive and yet it wasn't enough. I
don't feel like an inspiration at the moment. I feel fed up and sick of
it all, but yet so grateful I am here. Guilt. It's a fucker.
But I'm so happy I am here and able to so
what I do. I have such a wonderful time on so many levels and am
surrounded by love which is why I celebrate today. Today is about
recognising all the good that has happened over the last 7 years which is huge.
The list would be so long, I'm not going to put it here. I have met
so many and done so much and as I said on Friday at a meeting at the Teenage
Cancer Trust, I wouldn't change it. I would not remove and edit out my
cancer. I would change parts. I would hope to be treatment free by now.
But the cancer diagnosis, it stays. It would be nice if all the
cancer cells buggered off by now.
Today is about all of you and a fucking
massive thank you to you. You who read this, who watch my video blogs,
who say wonderful things to me, who keep me going, who smile and laugh with me,
especially at my slightly dark tumour humour. You, because it is you who
keeps me going. So with all the love in my heart, thank you. And
especially to these four people - My Daddy , Mummy, Claudia and Milo. My
wonderful family who make me, me…
So wherever you are, take a minute and
smile, because that is what I shall be doing,
With love and laughter,
XXX
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