Wednesday 19 March 2014

Still waiting


Well my lovely bloglets,

Yesterday was the hospital and in one way it was very positive and disappointing in the other.  Oh, and I haven't put on any weight which is always a relief.

I have lots to say but not sure how to get it out.  I'm also fucking knackered, and beginning to have an achy leg which I know is my body saying chill the fuck out and get some sleep.  I seem unable to sleep for the length of time I need to even when I don't have to get up the next day.  I don't know why my body is blocking the much needed sleep.  Maybe I'm stressing about Uni....no doubt I am even thought I have let go a lot.  I am also busy with lots of cancer stuff going on which is really exciting and I want to be doing it, I wouldn't if I didn't, it also takes up energy.  Last night I went to sleep I think around 10.45 and woke up at 6.45.  This was not the plan.  The plan was to sleep until 9 or 10.  Being woken up by a noisy rubbish lorry and the fucktard builders/prison employees who forget that it's a residential area doesn't help either.  I feel a slightly shitty letter may be written to the governor soon about this.... Yes they might get to work at 7am but that doesn't mean that I have to be involved with their early morning shouted conversations to each other.

So the hospital.  I had it in my head that yesterday was the last day of my current drugs, but this is not the case.  A new drug has been chosen and I don't have to fast between taking it and eating, thank fuck, that was not something I was looking forward to.  An hour is manageable, but two is a pain in the fucking arse.  The drugs that the application has been put in for, is like the lot I’m currently on and I take it once a day whenever I like. BUT an application is being made to see if I am allowed to change.  I don't understand this.  I am already on one form of pill chemo, surely if there is the money for this one, there is the money for the other one.  It's not like I will be on both at the same time.  The joys of bureaucratic bullshit.  And costing  a lot.  I am aware of this, and feel guilty for it.  I will be emailed in about a week with the result.  I am hoping it will be a yes and then I am told to stop treatment for three weeks before starting the next lot.  My next appointment is in 4 weeks’ time.  My consultant said that I will be taking a break as there is no point starting new drugs still affected by side effects of the current lot.  I am also going to start on the lowest dose and build up to see where my tolerance is, rather than at the highest dose and then reduce to cope with side effects.

At least I am being listened to.  It has taken a very long time for this to happen.  My consultant actually went through all the side effect’s I feel to ask how they are, I can't remember that happening before.  I may be misremembering of course, and I do have a certain amount (fuck loads) of animosity towards one of my old consultants if not two.....  Realising how unheard I have been makes me really fucking angry actually.  HOPEfully this will never be the case again.

So again, I'm waiting.  I was prepared for change, which I don't like, and it didn't happen.  It will happen, but apparently I need to be more patient.  I am fucking sick of being patient.  I have been very fucking patient.  

I understand why I can't come off the chemo now, even though it's all I want.  I understand it’s amazing that I am in a major molecular response and that I am very sensitive to the drugs.  Being very sensitive also has its downsides.  I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had had the bone marrow transplant 7 years ago....

I've been in a bit of a funny mood over the last few days, I think I'm just knackered.  I am however carrying on with the 100 Happy Days project on twitter and Facebook even if sometimes I want to say fuck it all, because there is so much to be happy about.  And today, Milo told me he wants to raise money for the Teenage Cancer Trust when he runs the Great Wall of China marathon in May, so people, get prepared to sponsor the shit out of him!  That charity....I can't put into words actually what it does and the impact it has.  The impact it has had on my life even though I wasn't on one of their wards has put me on the path I am on now.  Being given a business card at a weekend conference in 2008 has given me the voice that I have in the cancer world.  And for that, well, how can I actually explain what that means to me.  I can't. 

So I should probably go and get ready to go into Uni as I have a patient this afternoon.  Back in 4 weeks if not sooner depending on what’s going on.

With love, hope and happiness (because I am on the whole happy),

XXX

Thursday 6 March 2014

I'm on the right track

So my lovely bloglets,

I think this may be a bit rushed.  Lots to say – lots of good stuff.  Bit weird that.  Can’t remember the last time I only wrote about good stuff. Feels like it’s been a really long time.

However.  Happy it is.  Happy I am.

I am nearly 2 weeks into the 100 Happy Days challenge and I’m really enjoying it! I’m not entirely sure how my friends on facebook feel about it…but…fuck them!  It’s a very simple way to focus on the happy and to realise how many things you can be happy about in a day.  It’s quite difficult to limit it to just one photo, but worry not all your facebookers, I will restrain myself.  However, twitter lot…LUCKY YOU!

In the last week I have been actively sought out to get involved with cancer stuff.  This is absolutely amazing.  It seems like the word is getting out about me in the cancer world…. So I am joining, as a patient representative, a chemotherapy group to make sure that patients are basically getting the best treatment, care during and after etc etc etc  all the things you would think are a given…this is not always the case. And yesterday after a really good afternoon in uni at clinic, this week has been brilliant in terms of my patients.  Positive progression is being made with both, and something monumental happened with one of them.  They came into the room and took their coat off.  Something so little yet so fucking significant.  This was my 4th session with them and after a slightly rocky start after I went somewhere I was completely unwelcome, without realising it, we have a nice therapeutic relationship and they are making progress.  I have also given some advice to one of my lovely twitter lot and they are doing it and I’m so proud.  It’s amazing the little things I do can have such an impact.  Gone off track a bit, sorry.  So back to last night, at the end of clinic I checked my phone and I have been sent an email.  The Royal London Hospital of Integrated Health wants me to be involved with some research, as part of the research team.  THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!!! Not only to be specifically sought out and asked but research on complementary therapies.  It could open some incredible doors for me…..  It seems like the universe is telling me that I am doing the right thing, I am on the right path.

Feeling proud. As you know, the last few months have been a real struggle for me, but I’m getting there.  This next bit is not by any means to belittle or to gloat.  Another uni friend has decided to withdraw from clinic.  I can understand why they have.  I was at that point myself not very long ago and it’s an awful place to be.  You have to be so strong to make the decision that actually, it’s better for you if you leave.  It has made me reflect on myself and the last 6 months and in fact the last 3 and a half years.  I am still there.  I am still moving forward and I am so fucking proud of myself.  I go through a fair amount of shit but have overcome it.  I should be proud of me, it’s allowed, so I take this moment to acknowledge it.

It's also been confirmed, I have won a prize at uni for progression.  It’s been worth is and this week has shown me why.

I should go or I will be late meeting my friend for an early lunch before I head to uni. I want to end this with something I tweeted yesterday

 ‘At times cancer is fucking shit and I want my life back. Then things like this happen and I feel honoured and proud and it all makes sense'.

So with a fucking massive smile, and hope and love and happiness,

XXX