The Baby Diaries Part 1

 Well it’s been fucking ages. I know. I’ve neglected this blog. Mainly because I’ve been writing for an American blood cancer site and they (understandably) want unique stuff. And I can never be arsed to write the same thing, differently enough, to post on two different sites. 

I’ve also lost my writing mojo recently. I basically haven’t written anything since December. 

So a whirlwind update of the last 18 months. Well. I’m still alive 😂. I’m still on chemo and I’m still tired. But. The chemo is much better and the fatigue is dealable (yes that is a word) too. But the best thing about this chemo is that my results have been AMAZING, around 0.004% for the last nearly two years so I am OFFICIALLY allowed to come OFF TREATMENT in November. But. Because of fucking ‘Rona, it looks like it will be the spring because there might be a second spike blah blah blah. 

Unlike many in the blood cancer community I couldn’t give two fucks about ‘Rona in terms of fear/shielding etc as my health is good and my immune system (other than not dealing with my cancer when it started, lolz) is epic. So I’m not at risk. Anyways. Bit of an arse having to wait until spring because I’m going to have a baby and I would rather give birth pre-36 than post 36. And yes I know I’m mental and I’m still young blah blah blah. But I wanted to have my first baby my 30. So I’m feeling my age. 

I also have a lot of medical knowledge about pregnancy and birth which doesn’t help when I FREAK OUT about being an older first time mother. 

So today the ball started rolling. I had my first fertility appointment. All went well. Being booked in for blood tests and a scan to see if I’m fertile and how my reproductive organs are. I have no idea if chemo has fucked them or not. But it’s ok as I have 17 eggs frozen from when I was 22 which I can use if my fertility isn’t good/I’m infertile/actually why am I even thinking about it?! Eggs aged 22 or eggs aged 35 after 13 years of chemo. No brainier! What a fucktard. Anyways. The point is, I have options. Which is nice. 

And I can hear you all shouting. BUT IS THERE A MAN IN THE PICTURE?!?!?! Well. Sort of. There is a man who I love and who loves me. But. Me being me. Is it straightforward and not complicated? No of course not!!! So we shall see. He’s older and convinced he’s too old. I did tell the consultant today there is a man but thinks he’s too old at 51. And the consultants reply. ‘That’s no age at all!’  I could have kissed him through the screen. (Because basically all appointments are remote at the moment). So we shall see. 

I will do it on my own though with a sperm donor if I have to. I’m not letting this opportunity go past me. Ideally it would be with the man. But this is too important to me to not do it just because he’s freaked out about his age. I’ve waited 13 and a half years to come off treatment. And it might be 14 by the time it happens. So I’m grabbing it by both hands. 

Hopefully I can be off treatment for a long time. It all depends on what happens with the leukaemic rate. I’ll definitely be allowed a year for the baby. There is a drug I can use in pregnancy if I have to. I’m doing loads of naturopathic stuff to help my body. So I really hope I get more than a year. 2 years would be a dream. Or longer. 

But as long as I get my baby, or babies. God. It could be twins. Well. At least I wouldn’t need to go through it all again for a sibling! Anyway. I’ve wanted to be a Mother since I was 10. Maybe before that but I just wasn’t aware of it. So 2021 is the year. Fuck. It’s mega. It’s terrifying. It’s exciting. It’s surreal. 

I hope it’s with him. Well. I always hope don’t I. Got it on me permanently. Maybe that will be the baby’s name if it’s a girl.

And now I need to go and cry.