Catching Up

Well my lovely bloglets,

I feel like I haven’t written in a while, so thought I would do a little catch up of what’s been going on.

Firstly, I have succumbed to a fucking horrible lurgey that has been circulating.  Day 9 today and feeling so much better but still coughing, bit snotty and my voice isn’t fully back yet.  My body took drastic measures to make me rest and sleep and re-charge. I am currently at the rentals, have been here since Thursday and heading back to London on Tuesday for the expert chemotherapy reference group meeting I sit on as a patient voice.

I have been manic.  I have business cards!!!  A room to use on Wimpole Street, looking for a room in the City, approving the last tweaks to my website, which should be live this week, saw my first Naturopathy patient, have a massage patient and generally telling everyone what I do so encourage more people to see me. Oh, and a business bank account – so fucking grown up!

I am now doing a Sunday blog spot on a blog called the Yellow Dress Project writing about nutrition and nutrition type things which is amazing, and an honour to be asked.

I have sent off an example of my more narrative style of writing to the person who wants to publish my book to see what they think of it, so hopefully I will hear back soon and then I will start writing in earnest.

I am also launching, with my mother, a new networking group in Marylebone, which is part of Women In Business, a national women’s only networking business.  I am already a member of one group at Holborn, which is where I got my first patient from.  This is very exciting and a whole new experience for me, so as of tomorrow, I will be working hard to get people to visit the launch and then hopefully join.

I DON’T FEEL FAT!  I know, amazing.  And in general I am feeling pretty happy. 

Last week was a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  The funeral of a much beloved lady was, I’m not going to lie, pretty horrific.  Bringing up so much of my own cancer related shit. But.  I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.  Saying goodbye is so important and then enjoying being with her family and friends afterwards whilst eating the most monumentally enormous piece of brie is something that I will treasure forever.  

Then, two days later, the wedding of one of my most favourite girls.  One of my little gang that have been there for me no matter what, especially since my diagnosis.  That group of girls keeps me going, and I am so incredibly lucky to have them.  You know who you are, and you had better fucking well read this! 

And then, a private party at Boodles with one of my most favourite people in the world.  A school friend.  We don’t see each other very often, in fact, I think I have seen him about 3 times in the last 3 years, but that doesn’t matter.  We just slot back to how we always are.  He makes me smile so much, a very special boy.  AND I was his plus one to his father’s 70^th. So, clearly I’m his most favourite person too.  Possibly the best moment of the night was finding in the bedroom, yes, I could have gone home, but I was offered a bed, (obviously not going to say no, I might never step foot place in there again), was step by step instructions of how to make a cafetiere of coffee. Ha ha ha.

So, I’m feeling pretty loved at the moment.

And I suppose the thing that makes me smile so much at the moment, and I smile every time I unlock my phone as my lock screen photo is of course, my niece.  I couldn’t see her last week because of the lurgey, so my sister sent me photos of her.  Seeing her change as she gets bigger is amazing.  I just sit and smile at her.  The love for her is overwhelming; I can’t imagine how it is when the baby is yours.

Another thing I have on the horizon that I am looking forward to is that an artist I follow on Twitter, Matt Forster, has an exhibition next week in London.  I supported a crowd funding project he did to get a book printed of some of his art, which I think I will get this coming week.  I love art.  My first degree was History of Art at Edinburgh and I loved it.  Exhibitions make me smile – paintings, sculpture or photos, and I love buildings.  Those of you who follow me on Instagram will know that.  I can’t draw, but I can and enjoy taking photos.  Anyways, going off point.  I love Matt’s watercolours and drawings, although I think he sold my favourite picture – an elephant – instead of giving it to me, so that’s quite frankly, rude.  I have a folder on my phone of screenshots of paintings that I want from him, I’m at over 100, so if any of you feel like buying me one, his website is www.mjforster.com.

I’m still knackered, so need to have a chat in a few weeks with my consultant when I’m back in my clinic.  The fatigue does feel different, not so heavy, but on Friday night I had about 7 hours sleep and all of yesterday I was exhausted with burning eyes and face.  Not good. 

Well, I think that’s it.  Ramble mode is approaching, so I should go.

Still thinking of an angel wing – when I look down at my wrist I can see it, I think it’s going to happen; my parents are going to kill me……

With love and hope,

XXX

I Got a 2.1

Sitting here with streams of tears running down my face but so happy.  This morning I found out that my degree has been confirmed, a 2.1 with honours.  And only now is it sinking in.

A 2.1, not that special, so many get them, in fact, I would say that the majority of people I know with a degree have a 2.1.  But for me, it's different.

I was meant to get one before, but it was taken away from me.  Being diagnosed with cancer and being so intolerant to my treatment meant that I couldn't carry on with my studies as my consultant had promised.  What a twat.  So I had to take a year out. 

Meeting with a very non sympathetic academic decider at Edinburgh alongside having a tutor who didn't get understand what it meant to carry on with my friends rather than do an extra year, meant that instead of bending the rules slightly to get me through with summer extensions,  I had to make the decision to leave with a General Degree which means, well nothing.  I didn't complete the degree fully and this is something Scottish Universities give out if you don't complete the final fourth year.

I call it my fake degree.

And today I have a real one.  Well I don't get the certificate until November, but it is done.

For those of you who read this and have done for a while will know how much of a struggle my final year was.  Hindered by side effects from my treatment trying to cope with the most insane work load. So low and miserable and depressed.  If I could have done I would have quit.  But.  Something kept me going.  Knowing that my degree wasn't just a subject but what I want to do with my life.  I have been saying for the last four years that I am training to become a Naturopath.  I am now one.

I am a Naturopath.

And I am so proud of me.

With love and hope,
XXX

Feeling Meh

Feeling meh. I don't know why. Well. That's not entirely true. It's just. I don't know. But I do know. Stories not mine to tell. Needing to speak. I can't. So I shall meander about it in my own way of trying to say what's in my head.

It's hard being me sometimes. So often smiling when I don't want to be. But not wanting to be miserable either. I'm not really miserable, not truly. Just having another dip. I hope it's not the drugs. I'm so exhausted all the time.

I had a dream last night that I slept until 4.30pm and woke up in a panic that I had. And also wished that it had at the same time. I dragged my eyes open at 10 and kept them open.

I have never ever thought 'fuck you cancer' because of all the good. Not today though. And I don't like how that sits with me. I don't want to think like that. That's, to me, a poisonous way to think. It doesn't help. It's not who I am. And yet.

Someone recently implied I have an easy leukaemia not the hard one. In so many ways they are right. And in so many ways they are wrong.

Guilt. Lingering. I know I shouldn't. I know no one wants me to feel like that.

It's so hard sometimes.

The bus is going over London Bridge. How can I do anything but smile? It's wonderful. London is so amazing. I'm so lucky to be here.

So many aren't. 

I hope this passes.

Thinking of angel wings. Maybe they have been my angles. Maybe I am theirs.

Focus on the good. The smiles. The support I get. You are all amazing. So many never know how much they mean to others. I do. Blessed.

With love and hope,
XxX

A Bit All Over The Place

Well my lovely bloglets.

I've been meaning to write for a couple of weeks  but just haven't really known what to say or had the energy to do it.  I am, at the moment, completely and utterly exhausted.  I really hope it's just that finishing my degree catching up with me now that the adrenaline has worn off.  This past week all I can be bothered to do, is, well absolutely nothing.  I've been on the new drugs now for 8 weeks.  I hope it isn't them....

So, this will be short and sweet I think.  I'm really doing this because I feel like I should and I don't want to not.  I've fallen off the radar with this before and don't want to do it again.

There has been so much good news in the last few weeks as well but I don't have the energy to be truly happy about it all. Seeing friends getting married, driving for the first time in two years and for the second time in London and not crashing the car I suppose should be the main highlight.  Two journeys down the M4 two weeks apart and a third journey in a couple of weeks.

I have a gorgeous niece - just over a week old now, born on the 25th August who is utterly adorable and I am seeing her again tomorrow.  Milo also came home for a bit from Singapore so got to see him as well. Family time is so important.

I have passed everything, just waiting for the official confirmation but if my calculations are correct, I have a 2.1.  I should be so happy but I just feel like crying.  And I'm just thinking about how much better I could have done if it wasn't for the fucking fatigue and being so fucking miserable for the majority of my final year.  A 2.1 is still amazing.  I just sometimes feel cheated of what might have been if it wasn't for the cancer and the chemo.

Yesterday after I saw my first for clinic, the module that really matters as it shows how I am with my patients and as a practitioner, which is amazing, it really is.  I saw that someone I know has been given the chance to come off treatment.  She has had it different to me.  A bone marrow transplant that didn't fully take so she has been on disatinib, the last drug I was on, and has now been told she can come off it.  And that ruined it all.  I know it's ridiculous I should just be happy that she is in a place where her body is ready to be treatment free.  I should just focus on the amazing achievement of my mark.  I should just be happy I am here and able to get on with life. Especially as today I was told that my Leukaemic rate has dropped from 0.269% to 0.021%. I should.....

I have spoken to the publisher who wants to publish the idea I have had floating around in my head for years now.  They approached me which is exciting.  And I think it's going to be good and I'm going to write what I want.  I did tell them that I wouldn't write anything I don't want to, and they want me to send something over to them.  I want to do it, it's really exciting, I just can't be fucked this week, or last week.  I just want to stop feeling so exhausted.

One change is that I haven't put on any weight, well that bit is the same, but I'm not freaking out about my weight or feeling so fat so much now after doing some therapy stuff with my mother, except for today. Today is a fat day.  The first one in ages.  The way to deal with it.  Eat multiple 70% dark chocolate Tesco cookies. But dark chocolate, so, healthy.

Maybe this is all a blip, and after a few days I will begin to feel better again. I really hope so.  I enjoyed not being knackered and not feeling so whingy all the time.

I'm now off to work on my website copy which some lovely twitter lot have looked at for me and commented so I don't have complete shite on my website!

I am excited about that.  I have my first patient booked in at the end of September and I am looking at rooms next week on Harley Street.  This is what the last 4 years has been about.

I am also thinking about another tattoo.......

With love and hope,
XXX