Feeling Meh

Feeling meh. I don't know why. Well. That's not entirely true. It's just. I don't know. But I do know. Stories not mine to tell. Needing to speak. I can't. So I shall meander about it in my own way of trying to say what's in my head.

It's hard being me sometimes. So often smiling when I don't want to be. But not wanting to be miserable either. I'm not really miserable, not truly. Just having another dip. I hope it's not the drugs. I'm so exhausted all the time.

I had a dream last night that I slept until 4.30pm and woke up in a panic that I had. And also wished that it had at the same time. I dragged my eyes open at 10 and kept them open.

I have never ever thought 'fuck you cancer' because of all the good. Not today though. And I don't like how that sits with me. I don't want to think like that. That's, to me, a poisonous way to think. It doesn't help. It's not who I am. And yet.

Someone recently implied I have an easy leukaemia not the hard one. In so many ways they are right. And in so many ways they are wrong.

Guilt. Lingering. I know I shouldn't. I know no one wants me to feel like that.

It's so hard sometimes.

The bus is going over London Bridge. How can I do anything but smile? It's wonderful. London is so amazing. I'm so lucky to be here.

So many aren't. 

I hope this passes.

Thinking of angel wings. Maybe they have been my angles. Maybe I am theirs.

Focus on the good. The smiles. The support I get. You are all amazing. So many never know how much they mean to others. I do. Blessed.

With love and hope,
XxX