Thursday, 4 September 2014

A Bit All Over The Place

Well my lovely bloglets.

I've been meaning to write for a couple of weeks  but just haven't really known what to say or had the energy to do it.  I am, at the moment, completely and utterly exhausted.  I really hope it's just that finishing my degree catching up with me now that the adrenaline has worn off.  This past week all I can be bothered to do, is, well absolutely nothing.  I've been on the new drugs now for 8 weeks.  I hope it isn't them....

So, this will be short and sweet I think.  I'm really doing this because I feel like I should and I don't want to not.  I've fallen off the radar with this before and don't want to do it again.

There has been so much good news in the last few weeks as well but I don't have the energy to be truly happy about it all. Seeing friends getting married, driving for the first time in two years and for the second time in London and not crashing the car I suppose should be the main highlight.  Two journeys down the M4 two weeks apart and a third journey in a couple of weeks.

I have a gorgeous niece - just over a week old now, born on the 25th August who is utterly adorable and I am seeing her again tomorrow.  Milo also came home for a bit from Singapore so got to see him as well. Family time is so important.

I have passed everything, just waiting for the official confirmation but if my calculations are correct, I have a 2.1.  I should be so happy but I just feel like crying.  And I'm just thinking about how much better I could have done if it wasn't for the fucking fatigue and being so fucking miserable for the majority of my final year.  A 2.1 is still amazing.  I just sometimes feel cheated of what might have been if it wasn't for the cancer and the chemo.

Yesterday after I saw my first for clinic, the module that really matters as it shows how I am with my patients and as a practitioner, which is amazing, it really is.  I saw that someone I know has been given the chance to come off treatment.  She has had it different to me.  A bone marrow transplant that didn't fully take so she has been on disatinib, the last drug I was on, and has now been told she can come off it.  And that ruined it all.  I know it's ridiculous I should just be happy that she is in a place where her body is ready to be treatment free.  I should just focus on the amazing achievement of my mark.  I should just be happy I am here and able to get on with life. Especially as today I was told that my Leukaemic rate has dropped from 0.269% to 0.021%. I should.....

I have spoken to the publisher who wants to publish the idea I have had floating around in my head for years now.  They approached me which is exciting.  And I think it's going to be good and I'm going to write what I want.  I did tell them that I wouldn't write anything I don't want to, and they want me to send something over to them.  I want to do it, it's really exciting, I just can't be fucked this week, or last week.  I just want to stop feeling so exhausted.

One change is that I haven't put on any weight, well that bit is the same, but I'm not freaking out about my weight or feeling so fat so much now after doing some therapy stuff with my mother, except for today. Today is a fat day.  The first one in ages.  The way to deal with it.  Eat multiple 70% dark chocolate Tesco cookies. But dark chocolate, so, healthy.

Maybe this is all a blip, and after a few days I will begin to feel better again. I really hope so.  I enjoyed not being knackered and not feeling so whingy all the time.

I'm now off to work on my website copy which some lovely twitter lot have looked at for me and commented so I don't have complete shite on my website!

I am excited about that.  I have my first patient booked in at the end of September and I am looking at rooms next week on Harley Street.  This is what the last 4 years has been about.

I am also thinking about another tattoo.......

With love and hope,

1 comment:

  1. You are way too hard on yourself...and you are not fat! I'm fat you aren't, got it?