Well my lovely bloglets,
I’ve been sitting on this post for a while. Not that I’ve actually written it. Well I have in my head, numerous times, but haven’t sat down to type until now. And I’m not sure why. It’s such amazing and wonderful news. But part of it also wants to keep it for me. Because it’s been so longed for. For such a long time. And now it’s my reality. And it’s amazing. But it’s also surreal.
My rainbow baby. Because my fertility is fucked according to the hospital. Well. Compromised is the nice way of saying it. With a very low egg count. 14 and a half years of chemo has definitely made its mark. But that didn’t matter. I have 22 year old eggs frozen and I was getting my body ready for IVF regardless. And who knew that ALL those hundreds of pounds spent on functional medicine tests and supplements with a couple of tweaks to my diet meant that IVF wouldn’t be needed.
And then there was the agonising 8 and a bit week wait for my first scan after having a positive pregnancy test to check that all was ok. And that there was a baby in there! I did think just before the sonographer put the gel on my abdomen. What if this is the most epic phantom pregnancy ever?!?!? But no. A baby appeared. Doing what it should be doing with development and growth on track. A huge sigh of relief. And now a much shorter wait to the next scan and the ‘half way point’ (because due dates are a load of bollocks).
So no need for IVF. No need for the Hopeful Baby Diary - I’ve deleted the Instagram and that blog will be going soon as well.
I don’t think it’s coming across. I’m beyond excited about this! I actually loving all the body changes, and completely in awe as to what’s going on. Which is good as I started showing around week 6. And yes. Granny did comment in how fat I was getting.
C. L. A. S. S. I. C.
I was also very good earlier in the week and didn’t cry when a pair of size 10 maternity jeans didn’t fit. I also didn’t completely freak out, although my blood pressure shot up, lolz, when I put on 5 kilos in the first 10 weeks. And yes. Yes I did genuinely wonder if it was twins. But I couldn’t give a flying fuck. I was told this couldn’t happen. I was going to be doing this on my own. And I did it and I’m not. I also don’t think I’ll be allowed another year off treatment so this is it. My, well, our baby. The little determined miracle who really wanted to be. God. If they are this determined already, I dread to think what’s in store!
I’m not going to go crazy with sharing everything about this. I now have others to think about and how much I want to share about them, especially when they can’t speak for themselves yet. I will update on my haematology stuff though. So far all good! Leukaemic rate hasn’t budged after 2 months off treatment which is also pretty epic. Let’s just send all the good thoughts it stays like that!
So until next time... I’m not sure I need to sign off with love and hope anymore. Because for once. Things are actually pretty perfect.