Well I was going to write yesterday but my tube journey instead of being a long one ended up being broken up into two and when I write I like to do it in one hit as things change and breaking the writing impacts on the post. I like to be in the zone continuously even if it’s just to ramble shite that no one really cares about. But it’s important for me. To process. To get it out of my head. To stop it circulating. Anyways.
So yesterday I was going to write about my recent appointment which I have also put in my Hopeful Baby Diary blog so maybe I’ll just stick the link in and keep this more about how I really am rather than the slightly tempered version I put in that because of clients reading it etc. https://thehopefulbabydiary.wordpress.com/2021/03/20/funding-clarification-and-obstetrics-referral/
In summary if you can’t be fucked to read the link it is that the consultant I saw helped me get a plan in place. Funding appeal is going in. It might take months. It might still be a no. So whilst I decide what to do in terms of waiting or just sticking it on my credit cards, is to pick the sperm donor as I have to pay for that regardless and get it to The Hammersmith. Well. Actually The Queen Charlotte’s. But anyways. They sit on the same site. And I just call it The Hammersmith as that’s where my Haematology care is. And now I’m questioning if the fertility clinic is actually The Hammersmith. Anyways. Completely irrelevant. So buy the sperm and then it’s there with my eggs. I’ve been referred to the obstetrics team to discuss my treatment plan. And ‘the impact of the disease on pregnancy and the child’ and other fun things.
It’s when I read things like that it really brings home how serious CML actually is untreated and the pre the oral chemos it really was a killer. Not that I’m concerned about coming off treatment. If my haematology consultant thought I was in any danger no fucking way would this happen. It’s why it’s taken 14 fucking years to get here. So anyways. Really looking forward to that conversation!
This past week has been really fucking hard. I’m not going to lie. It’s so much better today. As I lost my bubble 10 days ago, haven’t been in my sister's child care bubble since the first week of January, and I had a negative Rona test yesterday morning I saw my brother, sister in law and niece yesterday and had a hug. For the first time in 12 days from a human. Last dog cuddle with ‘my dog’ was 8 days ago. And it has made such a difference. I can’t imagine how it’s been for others who live on their own who haven’t had access to anyone for a hug. I’m so tactile and to not have that whilst dealing with all this fertility fuckery with funding and all the dog owner shit which all came to a head 10 days ago has been pretty horrific.
So basically I feel like I’ve turned a bit of a corner in the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning I had one of my (legally allowed) home visits and the talk therapist who is part of the care team asked me if I was ok because of how my eyes looked. (The rest of my face was covered by a mask) And he could see how sad I was and the impact of the burden I’m carrying.
I’m also tired. My energy levels are shot to shit. 2 and a half years of the trial drug and I’ve hit that sweet point of my body saying. No. Fuck this. I’ve had enough.
God this is a real ramble today.
Should I set up a just giving page? Quite a few people have asked and said they would donate. I just. I don’t know. Whilst this isn’t my choice it’s also my choice. I don’t know what to do.
I’m allowing myself another week off fertility stuff. To get my head back to where it was. When I was excited. When it wasn’t all another fucking car crash. Oh and I’ve requested my notes so I can complain to the general medical council about IVF consultant number one. Just to see exactly what they did/didn’t do. I might be nice and smiley but you don’t fuck with me. I will retaliate.
So in a nutshell. Today is better. I saw some of my family. And my brother who is my nearly twin. Ish. 13 months younger than me. I’m not great when I don’t see him. And now I’ve gone into complete babble mode. Enough.
As always. With hope.
XxX
No comments:
Post a Comment