Feeling Blue

It happens from time to time. Everyone has their lows and their highs. For the last few weeks I have been in a bit of a dip. 

Not feeling right. Feeling empty. Feeling fed up. Questioning if I should have got a normal job. Has it all been a huge mistake. Not feeling happy. No energy to do anything. 

Crying. A lot of crying. 

I have felt like this before. I know it will pass. Waiting for that day when I wake up feeling better seemed like it would never happen. 

But over the last couple of days I feel lighter again. And today. Well. I think I feel a bit happy. 

Has is all been to do with my liver?

So. Sad news. My new drug that I feel better on and my liver don't get on. Apparently a very common side effect. 

I have been off my drugs for nearly a month and that's another reason why I've been feeling so frustrated about feeling so shit. Why?!? I'm drug free. Fucks sake. 

Interestingly. When I stopped my drugs, my fatigue signals appeared again. Shooting pain down my head. Achey legs. Maybe my new drugs block them so when I think I feel better, I am in fact just as exhausted. And my body can't tell me. So maybe I have spent a few weeks catching up. 

Long busy days still make me exhausted and make me cry if I have to use my brain. 

I've been sleeping between 10 and 11 hours and on the odd occasion 11 and a half hours a night nearly every night for the past month. I thought I would be down to less by now. Although I did wake up a bit earlier today. 

Back to my liver. So it's impacting on an enzyme which I haven't actually looked up so don't know what it does. Will ask my consultant when I see her. It's best I don't google things to do with my cancer etc. Google can be very dangerous. 

So the normal level is about 40 and a month ago it was over 500. It's creeping down and last Tuesday it was 115 so getting there. 

This may be why I have been feeling a bit shitty. I'm definitely blaming my fucking awful spots on it! 

When I go back on my drugs. If this carries on I will have to take steroids for a few weeks to stop my liver reacting. This goes against everything I believe in as a Naturopath. 

But. 

Do I want to go back on an older drug that I have taken and not got on with? 

I don't know. 

But I will talk to this with my consultant. I heart her. She will lay it all out for me on the table. So I can make the best decision for me. Not for her. 

So the fun and games continue with my body. At the moment I'm slightly struggling with being 'lucky'. It doesn't feel very fucking lucky at the moment. 

But. I can at least go and sunbathe now and not burn. 

And remember my baby massage class that went so well yesterday. Seeing the happy babies enjoying the massage with their mothers is a very special thing to be able to do. 

Angel wings are on their way. I have emailed the tattoo artist. A bit of my brain wonders if I will regret it. On my wrist. A visible place. What about when I'm old and my skin is different? But then. Fuck it. I need reminding that I'm looked after. That I have people there for me. All the time. Not to feel lonely and withdraw from my friends as I have over the last few weeks. That's not good. That's when I need them the most. Going silent doesn't help. 

So my wings will appear soon. I don't know when yet. 

With love and hope,

XxX

Liebster Award

One of my lovely twitter lot who reads my blog nominated me to do this.  Quite often I ignore things like this, but as she takes the time to read mine and recommended other people read it too, I thought I would.  I'm afraid I can't do the nominate other blogs to carry this on because I don't really read any.  Mainly because if I did that would be all that I did, and also, lots of people who blog do so because of illness and I can't really deal with that.  So I live in my little bubble trying to protect myself from others as much as possible.  Not because they don't deserve to have theirs read but because of the reaction it causes it me.  More often than not I get upset and angry because of 'what about me' mainly. 

So here are the answers to the questions I was asked and the picture of the Leibster Award.  Which is for those blogs that don't have thousands of followers or millions of reads per post.  To be honest, I'm amazed more than 5 of you read the shit that goes on in my head and in my life.  But there we go. And also, if you want to follow this please do. It always make me smile.  

When you were growing up what was your dream job?When I was little I always wanted to be a vet. But then the combination of a chemistry teacher who told me I wasn't good enough at science (tempted to find him and tell him I have a BA and a BSc now) and being teenage and realising that none of the good looking boys did science meant that I let the dream drift off. Then I discovered History of Art. An undergrad place at The University of Edinburgh. An interest in law and I decided that I would do a law conversion and try and get into art fraud. And then. I got a phone call. Cancer. So had to re-think that one. I have ended up as a Naturopathic Physician. I never knew it existed until 5 years ago. It wasn't my dream job when I was growing up. But it has turnout out to be just that.

Jack of all trades or Master of one?This is yet another tricky one to answer. I suppose I am a master of one get my training and qualification allows me to practice any therapy I am qualified in. I have a therapy tool box with around 16 therapies in it. So I could be called a jack of all trades.

Your favourite piece of music, and why?                                                                                
Impossible. I am mood and memory led by my music and can't pick just one. Things that always make me smile and remind me of child hood- Paul Simon Gracelands and The Travelling Willburys. And I can probably listen to The Foo Fighters regardless of mood. 

Fondest  childhood memory?                                                                                                             Once again. Where to begin? My chocolate hedgehog cake when I was 4 with the red party dress and matching knickers. Riding my bike around inside when it was raining. Gertie the Black Lab. Meeting an elephant for my 10th birthday. 

Book or Kindle?
Book hands down every time. I have a kindle which is great for trips and travel but nothing replaces holding an actual book in your hands. 

If you could speak another language which would it be and why?
Arabic. I went to Egypt when I was 23 and fell in love with it that country

If you had to choose to live without one of your 5 senses, which would you give up?
Very difficult. Probably smell. I know it's only for short periods of time but it's not so bad when you lose your sense of smell when you have a cold. Not being able to taste, see, hear or touch would be very difficult.
 Craziest thing you've ever done?
Define crazy. I was a bit of a stupid teenager on occasion. Reckless behaviour after a few drinks. Went sky diving on my gap year. That was incredible. I have a tattoo on my left hand (soon to get another).  Booking flights to see my best friend in New York when I can't really afford it. Went back to uni to read a second undergrad degree and got another loan. Launching my own business and dedicating all my time to it and not getting a part time job. Many would view them as crazy. Or stupid. Or maybe they are the same thing. 

How did you choose your Twitter name?                                                                                            My twitter name is a bit stupid. It used to be my name and then as launching my business grew closer I realised I needed to hide my personal account as it is not professional at all. And I didn't want to lock it. I have done audioboo's in the past and the general reaction was 'oh my god you are so posh!' (I also fucking hate the word posh. It's insulting. Like the words chav and pleb. I don't call people those so massive object to being called posh). And one person said I sounded posher than the queen. And I swear a lot. So Swearing_Queen was born. 

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Egypt. Just for a little bit. A truly magical country. 

So thank you to @Peasbloss for nominating me.

Until next time which I think will be very soon as my liver has been fucking around and should probably write about that.

Love, laughter and hope

The editor didn't want this

I wrote the following for an editor for a newspaper who didn't want it.  I thought I'd therefore share it with you.

Old man's cancer, chemo plague, fatigue, fertility, sobriety, limbo land and being user friendly.  These are not words I ever thought would sum up my 20s.

Diagnosed aged 22 with old man's cancer - Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia (CML)- on Friday 19th January 2007. Nearly feinting twice in a week was enough of an impetus for friends to nag me into going to the doctors. Looking back weight loss from a size 14 to an 8/10 was not in fact due to eating a bit better and going to the gym. Nor was the hair loss 'just because I have thick hair so a lot falls out' either.

Rare because of my diagnosis and age. Around a 100 are diagnosed a year with CML; the majority male over 40 and anyone diagnosed aged 18-25 is rare, the lost tribe that people don’t realise get cancer. Not that I don't enjoy being rare as the 'ignored' middle child until my diagnosis.   I also live on a daily pill form of chemotherapy and have for 8 and a half years. Another anomaly with my diagnosis is it happened in a day. A blood test because the doctor didn't know what was wrong. That night the phone rang. Long story short I guessed I had cancer over the phone because I refused to go in until I knew more. I was in Edinburgh; my parents were in West Berkshire. I wanted to phone them not some doctor.

When diagnosed I had 3 questions. Will I die? Can I drink? Can I have babies?
I was told that as long as the pill chemo worked I wouldn't die.
Yes I could drink. So did. A lot. Too much. So now I don't. Looking back I used it as a coping mechanism.
The first chemotherapy I started on didn’t affect fertility.
Fine. I was good to go; I didn't need to know anything else.

In some ways I say I lost my life that night and there is a parallel me living the life I thought I was going to have. Completing my History of Art degree, then law and working in art fraud. Cancer fucked that up. Side effects I was told I wouldn't have and ignored by my consultant meant I had to take a year out of University. I ended up leaving with a general degree which means fuck all. I call my BA in Humanities and Social Science my fake degree because it means nothing. I now have a real one. A BSc (Hons) in Complementary Medicine: Naturopathy.

Fertility was something I didn't think I would have to consider at 22 but I ended up having eggs frozen after switching chemotherapy due to intolerance.  I was put under a lot of pressure to have embryos frozen but didn't want a sperm donor. Ironically if I'm still single at 33, I'm going to have an IVF baby. Not having children is the worst thing I can imagine happening. Worse than all the cancer shit I’ve had to deal with. When I was a teenager I thought I would be married with a baby by now. I think that not drinking is off putting. I’ve seen men take a step back from me when I say I don't drink. Maybe it's just all the shit that goes on in my head. Or it’s cancer and chemotherapy. Fatigue definitely gets in the way. Someone thought I was blowing them off and I wasn't interested when I was too tired to meet up. They’re now in a relationship. Maybe this would have happened anyway.

Fatigue. It's really shit.  I’m on the train writing and all I want to do is cry. Two nights poor sleep because I had to get up to pee about 5 times both nights. I have recently upped the dosage of my pill chemotherapy and think my liver and kidneys have gone in overdrive. My chemo plague has been awful recently too. Spots that appear on my face, neck, shoulders, back and chest. I think God is getting back at me for being a naughty teenager when I had pretty good skin.

Back to fatigue. It’s what I struggle with the most; I’m so user friendly to the eye. I’ve always had my hair. I don't look ill. I'm not ill. In remission but on treatment. Limbo land. It's a funny place to be. Never knowing if I will be able to come off chemotherapy which I strive for. I’m 75-80% good with my diet eating as organically as possibly. My breakfast is a fruit and vegetable smoothie. I exercise. I smile and try to be happy. I forget I have cancer. And then. Bam. It hits me because I can't function on less than 10 hours sleep if I have to do anything that needs brain power. Yes. I can sit on the sofa and read. Or colour in, my new thing. Or write my blog which stops me from going crazy. Less than 10 hours sleep and having a meeting or God forbid two meetings, alongside some research for a patient. Anything I have to focus on. Well. I can't. So I cry or sit in a foul mood. And I forget things. My memory is fucking awful at the moment.

I walk around with this silent undetectable thing that hinders my life. I stopped being able to do whatever I wanted during the day AND night in my early 20s. I can't remember what it's like not to be tired. Not to worry about doing too much. Constantly checking in to see how I feel. Am I ok? Do I need to eat something? Can I walk to where I need to go? Do I have to cancel my plans? And no. I'm not so lucky to be able qualify for a Freedom Pass. I’d much rather have my life back, make plans, do them, and not need 12 hours sleep to recover.

During my last degree I didn't have a social life for a year because I couldn’t study and see friends. A wonderful friend got me though those very dark days of exhaustion and depression, a side effect of the chemotherapy I was then on. His encouragement and trips for the daily 'share' bag of chocolate got me through. I knew it was really bad when I ate a bag of giant Milky Way buttons in under 5 minutes and thought about another.

I hate all the 'accepted' language around cancer. Fuck knows who allowed it. I don't fight, battle or suffer.  Maybe it’s because I live with it and have for nearly a quarter of my life. I can't have those negative feelings towards cancer the floats about in my blood stream.

I wouldn't change my diagnosis. Aspects of it yes, in a heartbeat. In some ways I lost my life at 22 but the one I gained I wouldn’t change. People are very kind to me on twitter and with my blog. They call me an inspiration. But I'm not. I'm just living my life the best way I can. Whilst I had some shocks and changes in my 20s, it's made me, me.