Thursday 12 April 2012

10 days until the Marathon

Well my lovely bloglets,

10 days to go and I'm fucking terrified.  Went for a long run last Saturday - day before Easter, and it was hellish.  I was aiming to do 21 miles and had to give up after 19.  My leg muscles were in agony after 10 miles and I had to walk a lot, and continuously stretch.  And do you know why?  Because I was a fucking idiot and hadn't eaten enough the day before.  Good lesson learnt though.

I was a bit angry with myself about this because I really wanted to hit the 20 mile mark and 6 more miles is more doable than 7 - in my head anyways.  I was going to go for a run today with no distance or mile aim, to just go, but have been sneezing and a gland was up behind my ear last night.  Must. not. get. ill.  So will see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow and do it.  I will do at least 5 miles tomorrow as I need to keep running a bit otherwise it will be a real shock on the day.

I've also been really emotional, and whenever I think about the marathon I well up and have to really focus on not crying. Maybe I should stop the stopping and just have a good sob.

Speaking to my mother about my reaction to looking around the TCT ward has had me thinking about it, and on reflection I don't think it was necessarily the reaction or lack of from the guy, but seeing a room like the one I was in that has triggered all the emotion.  As previously said, I haven't had any contact with a hospital room since and I think it has brought the shock of the diagnosis back.  Also, it makes me think that how can those symptoms that I had and how I am mean cancer?  It's all a bit of a head fuck really.  Sometimes I feel like I am living in a parallel world and it's a bit dreamlike.  The reality is that I am fine, and nothing is or was wrong with me, and the cancer is in the parallel world which I am momentarily stuck in.  And I want the parallel world to end and for me to just live in the now, and the now does not consist of hospital appointments and chemo and cancer.  The now is a place of health and happiness and not worrying about it.  The now is not 3 monthly check ups where I want the good news so badly that it hurts - that I've got the results to come off the drugs. The now is not thinking about if I will have to have IVF because I am not fertile.  The now is not being a fucking idiot and running 26 miles to raise money for a cancer charity who are so close to my heart, because I don't know about them.  But the now is a dream, and I live in the parallel.  The parallel where my worries are so different to my (non TCT) friends, who as wonderful as they are, don't understand.  The parallel is a place of wanting but having to wait.  The parallel is where I run 26 miles and I take with me those who are not here any more.  I take with me those who here are but are marked for life because of it.  I take those with me because they know, and no words have to be spoken to bond us.

It is because of this that every time I think of the marathon I want to cry.

XXX

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