Sunday, 2 December 2012

3 hundred and 65

So lovelies another post,

It may be because I have an essay technically due tomorrow morning (I have a 10 day extension on all my written work, so the pressure is less) which that means that I am sitting in the library gazing out of the window over the roof tops of Marylebone with the sun streaming in the window, instead of doing a reference list and a framework for the essay.

It may be that I find beautiful days in the autumn/winter more evocative than sunshine the rest of the year.  I'm not sure why, maybe it's because I am more grateful of the sunshine now, and it is something that we 'should' have in the spring and summer.  Although, I am English and have lived in the UK my entire life, so should now at the grand old age of 28 know that, just because it is spring/summer does NOT mean that the sun will shine.  Maybe its because the light is different at this time of year that I find London more beautiful when the sun is out.  Or maybe I'm just being a bit pathetic at the moment......

I don't know if any of you reading this know about the project 3 hundred and 65 ( which I have mentioned before I'm sure, and in fact have been a part of it.  It's an incredible project for Teenage Cancer Trust which as you all know, is rather close to my heart.  I don't know if it's just me, but recently the drawings have become a lot more serene and beautiful and a calmness has descended upon them.  I'm not going to lie, I have become a bit lax at following the story itself recently, so am completely lost as to what's going on, so I may be completely wrong about my interpretation of the drawings.  I may also have this interpretation due to myself and the journey I've been on.  I think also my cancerversary is rapidly approaching and whilst I celebrate it, and do in some ways rejoice in it, I also become more melancholic and retreat within   I suppose this is only natural.

I am still also processing what I have recently discovered about myself and how angry I am, which is very much at the forefront of my mind, and I am now very aware of how I react to things.  I think this is also keeping everything fresh, which is good as it means I have to face it and deal with it, but it's a lot to deal with.  Part of me is also pushing it away so I don't have to deal with it.  A constant internal sea-saw.

Days like this, cold but bright and sunny always take me back to my time in Edinburgh, and I always think of how beautiful it is and remember walking across the bridges on my way to lectures or to meet people.  Walking and watching and smiling.  The wonderful memories of that place.  Also my diagnosis and the shock of it and the shit I had to go through.  A fabulous place and time tainted by awfulness.  Maybe this is why I am very much in my head today.

The drawing of November 29th ( really resonates with me.  It's sometimes how I feel - alone with a massive expanse of land (time) in front of me, with no end in sight.  But with the old tree behind me, all the support and knowledge and wisdom I have with me keeping me going.  And the cat -the love and faithful friends I have, always with me by my side.

So with this, I really should go and do some work, and hope that with time, I can lay my ghosts to rest.

With much love, laughter and smiles.

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