Wednesday, 7 August 2013

A little space to think

So I don't know where I'm going with this. And yes. It might surprise you that I do often have a vague idea of what I am going to write. I am also typing this on my iPad as my laptop is in London and I'm at the rentals so the length of this will depend on how long I can be arsed to type and then delete and re-write because I keep on pressing b instead of the space bar. 

I think the general topic for today is change. I don't like change and recently I seem to be faced with a lot of it. Nothing that major but enough to make me a bit uneasy. Is uneasy the right word? Maybe not. I like a bit of a routine, nothing too strict, I suppose it makes me feel safe and change is the unknown and therefore not safe. A tutor of mine, most times she sees me at uni always says to me, as she knows how I feel about change and uncertainty, is that the only certain thing in life is change and uncertainty. Part of me wants to smack her but as she is/was a weightlifter/trainer or something and is basically pure muscle, I don't. 

Much of what I want to mention is things I have mentioned before and therefore don't want to bang on about it being whingy. Part of me also doesn't want to mention it because when I write about it, it becomes reality, but if it stays in my head, it is only in my head. 

So, the boy. Maybe getting involved with someone when you know they are going to move to the other end of the country was not such a good idea.... Isn't retrospect SUCH a wonderful thing?!?! We had a routine and now that's changed and I don't like that. So I am now being a girl and over analysing every message and the time it's sent to try and find a hidden meaning as to if it means he's moving/moved on. Moving on is a good thing because life keeps happening and I don't want to live in the past. I suppose it links in to feeling stuck and in limbo land. But sometimes the memories of the past are too tempting to stay in. 

Treatment. I think I'm still processing my last check up. And it's only today, over three weeks (I think) since I was at the hospital that the bruise on my arm has finally gone. That fucking nurse....... My memory has not been very good either, which I can't work out if its due to the stress and tiredness of the final weeks of a very full on and stressful uni year or if its because of shock from my check up. I keep on forgetting to take my drugs and have written the days of the week on the packet so I know. I seem to have a bit of a mental block about them.  And do I feel less tired? I don't know. Maybe. I can't work it out so focus on it instead of letting it be. And if I do feel less tired, do I slightly resent it? Which I know is fucking ridiculous  as its what I want. I don't want to be tired, I want my life back. I also still want to be special...... Maybe that also goes back to the boy. He made me feel really special and spoilt me and now that's gone. And now I feel ungrateful to all my friends and family who are so wonderful. It's a constant battle and argument in my head. And the guilt. There are people I know and who I chat with who have it so much worse than me. What gives me the right to behave and think like this?

September will be another change. A new flatty who is not a previous friend. I think it's going to be really fun living with him, but at the moment I don't know. And Uni. The final year if my undergraduate degree. I have a patient who is used to the last student practitioner and how will they be with me?  Will I help? Make it worse? This coming academic year is it. The finally stage of being taught how to be a practitioner and I'm not ready for it to end. No doubt in a year my thinking will be very different! I've been in this academic cocoon of safety for 3 years, and it will be 4 this time next year. When I graduate next year I will have spent 8 years in further education. Being in the real world is a scary prospect is some ways. 

So forgive me this rather self-indulgent rant? Or maybe it's just a way for me to process and to share what's in my head which lightens the load. Thank you for giving me this space. 

Until next time.....
Lots of love, laughter and the odd smile or two. 

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