Well it's Monday again. Can't believe it. I have been going through my old blog posts trying to find one to tweet for today's Monday Blogs but after reading so many, I can't find one that suits my mood today.
I have read a fair few of my old posts as I'm in the car going to my grandmothers for lunch which involves driving across the UK from Nayland (Suffolk) to Bourton on the Water (Gloucestershire). Joy. I feel like a bad grandchild because I can't be arsed. I'm tired. Last night a submitted one of my essays at 20 to midnight. 44 pages and the majority of it doesn't get marked, but it all had to be done as one part contributed to another. Fucking critiques. And that's what my dissertation is. The essay was only critiquing two papers. My dissertation is 6-10. Fuck. Time. I never seem to have enough. I used my 2 week extension for the critique which means everything else has been pushed back. I will aim to get one of my case studies done by the 2nd Jan, deadline is the 6th and use my extension for the other one due on the same day. I do LOVE how my deadlines are always at the same time. I also have an exam on the 8th Jan, my patient to prepare for on the 13th Jan, dissertation stuff to do, journal writing in preparation for another essay. It's non stop and I'm exhausted.
I went to see my personal tutor just before coming home for Christmas and as I was talking she said to me it sounded like burn out. I am burnt out. I am fucking exhausted. I'm not sleeping well which only makes it worse. My legs have started aching because I'm so tired. I'm fed up of it. My 7 year cancerversary is rapidly approaching. I can't believe it. 7 years. I know I should be grateful and happy. I have had 7 years when others have not. And I'm fed up with whinging all the fucking time about being tired.
My older blog posts are quite short and upbeat talking about fun things and everything being great. It wasn't. I had shit care from my consultant in Edinburgh and am now beginning to think that about my last London consultant. I'm more honest now. It's good. It's me processing. And acknowledging.
I should stop now. I should go. I will be back, and I look forward to posting about joy in the future. I'm just a but stuck at the moment.
With love and laughter- laughter is so important.
Me XxX
Im an oldie, Katie, and have days/weeks like that all the time, even when there is naothing waiting to be finished. My writing muse comes and goes, and Im dreading my brain turning to mush (like my mum, but I shant go there). Keep hammering away at it - keep hydrated (not hard stuff) and try, just try, to rest up. I find the more I worry the more tense I get and the spiral starts - relax. You will get there.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the 7 years, here's to 7 more.
Thank you for your comment, and your words of advice. I will get there, one day, I know.
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