Monday, 19 January 2015

8 Years Today

Words. I have so many a lot of the time. No doubt some would wish I didn't. But today I don't seem to have any.

 I had phrases pop into my mind yesterday and on Saturday but I didn't want to write then. I wanted to write today. But I seem to have lost my words.

 I feel ok today. I had a very low and bleak 24 hours from Saturday afternoon to Sunday lunch time. Lots of shoulder heaving, not being able to breathe sobs. But today. They have gone.

Maybe the lead up is worse than the day itself? I don't know. Last week or the week before someone said it was offensive that I have a cancerversary. That I am being offensive because they have lost so many people because of cancer. Their shit not mine but it has stuck with me.

Ever aware of others. Not wanting to upset. Always thinking about how they feel. I also know that I know some who would love to be in my situation. Managed. Not having to worry about the next round of chemo or the next scan. And then I feel selfish.

Why should I complain? 2 pills a day. No food for an hour. And then I can carry on. Yes I have good days and bad. But then who doesn't. At the hospital every 8 weeks or so for a check up. All is fine. It's all managed. Still so desperate to come off treatment and to get my life back.

I've been on chemotherapy for nearly a third of my life.

I do celebrate today. Nothing could have prepared me for that phone call. I remember what I was wearing. Super noodles cooking. And then turned off. Never eaten.

But I wouldn't change it.

So few know how they are loved. What amazing friends and family they have. But I am shown all the time and especially today. So I celebrate. I remember the good. I surround myself with love.

If I didn't I don't know what I would do. I can't ignore today. Not whilst it's still a massive part of my life.

So for those who find me keeping happy and smiling offensive on my cancerversary. I do actually have a simple 'fuck you' for you.

I lost my life 8 years ago but gained a new one. I do have to be strong and tough and carry on. And I do. Because of all the good. There is so much. I wouldn't change it.

So today on my 8th cancerversary I ask you to find something that makes you smile and treasure it. Life is too short not to.

With love and hope, so much hope,


  1. Love after love, by Derek Walcott... x.

    The time will come
    when, with elation,
    you will greet yourself arriving
    at your own door, in your own mirror,
    and each will smile at the other's welcome,

    And say, sit here. Eat.
    You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
    to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

    all your life, whom you ignored
    for another, who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

    the photographs, the desperate notes,
    peel your own image from the mirror.
    Sit. Feast on your life.

  2. No one has any place to approve or disapprove of your blog. Your life, your choices, your cancer. Happy cancerversary. 8 years triumphant, you.
    Formidable birthday girl! xxx

  3. Moving... Keep on trucking....

  4. I think that people find the word cancerversary upsetting because it's a tough concept to understand.. if that person hasn't had cancer then they probably wonder why you would 'celebrate' the day you were diagnosed. I myself was diagnosed as a teenager and always remember my cancerversary