Today I had the hospital. It's been a tough week. Tired. Never cope well when I'm like this.
Just before I went into the hospital an email. Last week I found out a guy I was at school with died. Today I found out how.
Cancer.
Last week a funeral.
Cancer.
Today someone from twitter died.
Cancer.
A Facebook update from someone. It's back.
Cancer.
The reason I am tired.
Cancer.
The reason I was at the hospital.
Cancer.
I feel like death and cancer are following me around. I know this is selfish and self-indulgent. I am by no means the only person affected. And in all his honesty don't know these people well.
And then the age old. Why I am I alive, and ignoring those fucking annoying leukaemic cells that won't fuck off and be killed by my own immune system and need chemotherapy to do it, healthy.
Why am I still here when those who didn't smoke, drank less that me and have been healthier than I have been died?
And today someone at the hospital said we are so lucky. I don't feel lucky today.
I am so full of self pity. I hate this.
Alone - Poem by Edgar Allan Poe.
ReplyDeleteFrom childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view... x.