Wednesday, 23 March 2016

I Am

Well my lovely Bloglets,

I have over the years since my diagnosis had a lot of therapy. Initially I went to see someone to talk to, to help me process and resolve all the emotional things that have happened because of my diagnosis. I have learnt over the last 9 and a bit years that in actual fact a lot of what upsets me now is linked to childhood trauma whether big or little. This is the case for most of us. By chance one day I was watching something with my mother (who is also a therapist) around 7 and a half or 8 years ago, and I got upset by something and she did some therapy work with me. Since then she has been my go to therapist. Potentially a bit weird. But. It works for me. I am honest with her when I wasn't with a stranger. 

I have linked my self taught belief, well the most prominent one, of not being good enough back to something when I was really little. An event completely out of my control happened and for some reason I took the responsibility of someone's happiness onto my own shoulders. I couldn't make them smile, stupid though this sounds to a rational adult mind, and this made me think I'm not good enough. 

This theme runs through my life. For example at school being told I wasn't clever enough by my English teacher to read the book I told her I was reading. I was 11 and I think reading an Austin book. It took me until I was 16 or 17 to read 'proper books' by choice instead of trash. (Not that there's anything wrong with trash). 

At school once again, I excelled in the classroom and then repeatedly didn't get the equivalent grades in exams much to my teachers puzzlement. 

In relationships. Until now I have been the in between girl whilst the guy doesn't actually want a girlfriend, but doesn't want to be alone, and then they end it with me when someone they actually want to be with comes along. Or I attract the emotionally unavailable and they aren't ready. Until now I have thought it's because I'm not good enough. 

I could list other examples but I would be here all day. I just wanted to highlight a bit of my history. 

So now. I choose to be good enough. And the way I am going to do it, is of course to put it on the Internet. Because that's just what I do. 

People tell me I'm amazing all the time. I smile, say thank you and then tell them why I'm not. Today that stops. From today I shall just say thank you and believe what they say. 

From today I am going to give myself credit for all I achieve. Because I have achieved a lot. 

  • I carried on with Uni after my diagnosis. I wanted to graduate with my friends and I did. 
  • I moved to London. 
  • I look after myself. 
  • I was brave enough to quit a job that made me fucking miserable and went back to Uni to train as a Naturopath. 
  • I have set up my own business and I am achieving amazing things.
  • I have continued to believe in myself and my business when others have told me to get a proper job. 
  • I haven't changed my pricing to encourage more people to see me because I know that I am worth the rate I charge- I didn't spend 4 years training to charge only £40 an hour. 
  • I have run one half marathon, one marathon and about to do another. 
  • I have inspired people to do great things for charity.
  • I have an opinion that is sought after by the NHS and cancer charities. 
  • I smile and laugh and see the positive. 
  • I get out of bed everyday.

I do all this and more whilst dealing with chronic fatigue as a side effect of chemotherapy I take daily and have for over 9 years. 

I do all this living with cancer and all the shit that goes alongside it. 

I do all of this because I am amazing and from now on I will truly honour what I have done and what I continue to do. 

I also do this because I am surrounded by a fucking amazing family and friends. 

And if you really want to make me smile you can sponsor me. 

With love and hope, 


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