My Lovely Bloglets,
Well, as always a bit of an up and down week. I was in a foul mood on Thursday. Woke up irritated, felt fat, was weighed at the hospital,
didn't like what the scales said and my consultant wasn't there. So that wasn't a great check
up. I've been processing and reflecting
on my appointment and I think the reason it fucked me off so much was something
the consultant said. We were talking
about how I feel and I asked if there are any trials where people are taken off
treatment and kept off it. There has
been one if you take one of the drugs, of course the one I was so intolerant to
9 years ago, and half the trial participants are still chemo free 5 years
later. This is pretty amazing! The thing that has had a negative impact on me
was the the consultant said he didn't see why that couldn't happen to me. If I took the standard dose for around 6-12 months
to really bring down my Leukaemic rate.
I currently take, and struggle with a fifth of the standard dose. So.
Fuck. I was talking to my mother
about this and she said maybe look at it in terms of if I was to have a stem
cell transplant, the time that would take and that I would probably feel
like shit but then it would be over.
This is true. I would have to
stop working and move home. So. I'm a bit upset that the consultant said
this. I know he was trying to be helpful,
but he doesn't know me and how I don’t cope on the drugs…. Anyways.
I’ll talk to my consultant when I'm back in 8 weeks. I suppose it is good to know. An option.
I'm just getting my life going again in London and work is beginning to
pick up, I don’t really want to have to stop it all and to move back home and
be an ill person again.
I've also started on-line dating again which is definitely adding
to the meh. Boys. Don’t fucking well ‘like’ someone on an app
when you can’t talk to the girl unless she messages you first and then IGNORE
HER! Ok, ignore me. So much game
playing. It does my fucking head
in. Grow up and say hello back. It’s been less than a week. Let’s see if I make it to 2 weeks…
I suppose those have been the downs. There have been ups this week, 4 I can think
of off the top of my head so I should focus on the good outweighing the
bad. It’s so easy to be self-indulgent
though, especially as my fatigue has been really fucking awful this week. Yesterday morning I got up after about 10
hours sleep and 12 hours of being in bed.
Felt good when I woke up. Felt
good when I made breakfast. Walked a
maximum of 8 minutes to the tube to go and meet someone and I felt fucking
exhausted. Ridiculous.
Anyways, the ups.
Going to the Bloodwise office to give my opinion about something on Friday. I always love going there. I heart them so much. Seeing some wonderful twitter friends, even
if one of them refuses to follow me on there because I'm shit at twitter
according to him….
And the biggest thing this week to make me smile has been my
cancer on board badge. It has been
fucking AMAZING!! I have been offered a
seat on every tube I have got on. This
means, well, I can’t actually put into words how amazing this is. I don’t have to try and sum up the courage to
ask someone to stand up or tell myself in my head repeatedly that it’s ok and I
will make it to my tube stop if I'm standing.
I wasn't sure what the reaction would be to it because it’s quite small
and I am visually user-friendly, but as always, the people of London have been fab. I have had a few surprised/shocked looks, but
no one has questioned it or ignored it.
Well. Loads have, but there has
always been one to ask me if I want to sit.
This takes so much pressure and worry off my travelling around London.
And today, something that really cheered me
up, speaking to my little blonde. I miss
her so much.
So I think that’s about it for today. Tomorrow is the start of a new week and going
to bed earlier than I did last week…
With love and hope,
XXX
