Monday, 5 February 2018

Fed up. Again.

Nothing particularly has changed recently but I am feeling fed up. And it culminated yesterday on world cancer day. It really fucked me off. And I don’t know why. Well. I probably do. For most they might only experience one or two during their treatment. It’s my 11th. 11 fucking years of cancer. 

And I saw posts of people suggesting what to do. Take people food. Give them a ring. See how they are. Well really. That should be happening regardless. Why should one day a year flag that a friend or family member might need you. And I know I’m being a complete twat about this. So many don’t know how to react to a cancer diagnosis and don’t know what to do. I know I have become so blase about it all. About death. About the shit side effects. Of how treatment impacts on the body. And yes. I am even more aware of the fact that this hasn’t been my ‘journey’. I am ‘lucky’. What’s a pill or two a day? 

Compared to some. It’s nothing. Steroids are making me fat and spotty. It’s pissing me off. Ridiculous I know. Just so fed up of it at the moment. 

I think it’s when I dip like this that I miss my girl gang the most. Those who are now all over the world and no longer in London. And I’m shit about organising to see those who are here as my focus in the evening is the sofa. And that’s boring. For everyone. 

Still waiting to hear on other drug options. There is the possibility of another new pill alongside the new interferon. Hope....

Luckily my liver is fine today so my steroids have been dropped. Back in two weeks. 

I just need more sleep. A fairly busy week last week and too many nights that weren’t 10 plus hours sleep. This is a phase. It will pass. It always does. 

And it’s ok to feel like this occasionally. It’s ok to be pissed off that my life is not my own. It’s ok to feel like there is never any acknowledgment to how hard it is to live with a chronic cancer. It’s ok to feel fucked off that because I have my hair it’s assumed everything is ok and my life is easy. It’s ok. It will be ok. 

Just feel like I have a bit of a hole in my heart at the moment. But it will mend. It will be ok. 

With love and hope,

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