I’m still here

I haven’t written in ages. So many times I’ve had sentences float in to my head but I haven’t sat down and typed. Might be because I now blog for an American site so use up a fair amount of my writing on that. I have to write original stuff for them, which is fine, I just feel I have neglected this is in a while. 

I don’t even know where to start. I gave up drinking 10 years ago today. I never thought it would be a permanent stop. I was only going to have a pause over the summer to let my liver have a break and start again after 3 months. And then 3 months turned into a year, and a year turned into 10. I don’t miss drinking. Well. Sometimes I do. But I think I can count the number of times I’ve *really* wanted a drink on one hand. 

I’m so much better without it. I could be a horrible person with it. I haven’t started again as I can’t trust myself. And that’s not good. I know my last reference point wasn’t ‘normal’. 23. A student. Recently diagnosed and drinking to cope. Not that I knew that at the time. I’m happier without it. Even though people think I’m boring because I don’t drink. 

That’s their shit, not mine. I can be just as ridiculous sober as I was drunk, but know I won’t fly off the handle, or get immediate memory blanks or get the shame. 

Back at the hospital tomorrow. It’s my second 4 weekly visit in a row. My liver is under control and the ‘roid rash’ has gone. But. Chemo plague is spreading onto my face from my neck. Not happy about that. 

AND I CAN SUNBATHE!!!! For the first time in 10 YEARS!!!!! Bosutabib doesn’t fuck with the melanin cells so I can once again go brown and not just burn. I don’t have to worry about being outside. It is AMAZING! I still wear factor 30 though. People who burn are fucking idiots and there is no excuse. 

I should be getting the new drug in 4 week’s. I think it’s spelt Asciminib. The hospital have allowed me compassionate use. I’ve asked my consultant if it also impacts on melanin production. I really don’t want to have to give up the sun again. 

I give up so much. 

I’ve started doing home exercises again as I’m fed up of being so critical about my body. I can’t go running because of low energy, so I’m making myself do them. Managed 3 times a week for 3 week’s so far. 

Get weighed tomorrow.....

I also don’t have the dog as much which is very upsetting for me. Change. I hate it. Especially when it’s sudden. I have made a real effort to keep up with walking lots and most days I managed to get 10,000 steps. It’s so much easier when it’s sunny and I can be in it. 

I’ve just read my last post to see where I was. I’m much better than then. Still have my blips. I’ve been able to process what I wrote about then. It sits easier. And then I always have constant drama of one sort or another to occupy me.... friends and family are really beginning to clock that everything I do is complicated. Nothing is ever simple... 

I want to write about one complication. Well. That’s not the right word to use. I don’t know what is. Maby I will one day. I don’t know. My usual car crash involving men. Don’t think I’m there yet to put it on the Internet. Still hoping. Not sure I should. Push me pull you. Words say one thing. Actions say another. What do I believe? So I carry on. One day at a time and see what happens. 

I think I’m ok though. 

Haven’t cried this week, so it can’t be that bad. 

So to bed I need to go. My eyes are heavy and closing. I feel this is a bit of a nothing post. But I wanted to write. I’m still here. Still getting out of bed every day. Still doing my best. More news tomorrow. I’m going to ask if I can have a treatment break before starting the new drug. I hope my consultant says yes. 

Always hope.