Well my bloglets. What a year it has been. I’m trying to remember how I felt when I wasn’t me. And it’s so hard. The memory is amazing. Eradicating what it can’t hold on to enable you to move forward. I have felt like me, truly me for the longest since I was 21. 13 years ago.
Christmas since my diagnosis has always been very emotional for me. I have always cried and it hasn’t been happy tears. It’s been tears of overload. Of not being able to cope. Of wishing life was different. Of leg pain from exhaustion. Shooting pains down my skull. My body needing a break. Of being at breaking point. And knowing my cancerversary is around the corner. Yet another year of living with cancer to be ticked off on the horizon. No end in sight.
But this year it’s different. Work has been so much better since the summer. I had 6 clients in the week before Christmas and 2 were new first appointments. Which is amazing!
And I’m happy. Genuinely happy. I’m not fucked with exhaustion. I’m going to start running again next week. And I can’t wait! I have the energy to do it! And to work. And to see friends in the evening. And to cook. And to be me!
And the best thing is that my family and friends can’t believe the difference in me. They had forgotten who I really was. How I really am. To be fair. So had I. I’m still astounded I can get by on 9 hours sleep, 3 months in to my new treatment.
I had a rocky couple of recently with a dose shift but because my consultant it so fucking amazing and listens, that’s been sorted. And my energy levels have shot up again.
I don’t wear my ‘please offer me a seat’ and ‘Cancer On Board’ badges when out and about. I don’t worry about getting a seat on the train. I can stand up! I can live. And I forget that I have cancer. And that it’s there.
I’m writing this and feeling a bit detached from in. I’ve felt like this when I’ve written before. It’s fine. It’s not a complaint. Maybe this is how writing should be. It shouldn’t be upsetting and make me sad. It should just be.
This new drug is making me really think about the future and what I can do. And do it! And there is also someone. A special someone. And that makes it so much better. And they have been there when it’s been fucking horrific and I can’t speak or stand because I’m so exhausted. And they aren’t put off by all my cancer shit. And when I cry because of babies. And they are here now to see me. The real me. And well. We’ll see what happens. But you know me, glass half full and always hoping!
And there is another recent baby in the family. A November edition. I have my gorgeous 3 nieces. My girls. So special to me. And I hope I will be able to have my own. So much.... for now I have to make myself content with them. And I adore them. Nothing could have prepared me for how I feel when I see them. Hold them. Kiss and cuddle them. Have them asleep in my arms.
So this year has been challenging. A stem cell transplant option there, lingering around the corner, just out of reach. Possibly coming closer. Possibly being my reality in the New Year. But it looks like I can send that away now. No need to make that decision. Not have to contemplate possibly killing my self in order to possibly get a better life. And then compassionate use for a trial drug. And my life is mine. I will be forever grateful to my consultant for not giving up on me. For not allowing herself to say ‘I’m really sorry. But that’s just going to be your life’. Or not believing it was as bad as it was as other consultants have done. She can’t believe how I am. The difference.
2018 has been the first of many things for a really long time. I had a tan in the summer as the drugs I took then didn’t make my skin photosensitive. I’m on a new drug and I have energy even whilst on treatment rather than having to pray for a treatment break. My leukaemic rate is basically the best it has ever been right now. I have welcomed 2 new nieces, holding them when they were just a day old. 2 of ‘my girls’ have come back to the UK after living abroad. I am now a paid blog wrote for an American company. I am not worried about paying my rent at the end of the month for the first time in a very long time. I have a gorgeous chocolate Labrador in my life. I have that special person to call and assuming nothing drastic happens in the next week, I won’t be that single person amongst couples on NYE. For the first time in my life.
So overall. 2018 has been pretty amazing. So I just hope, as always, that 2019 is even better than the second half of this year. If that’s the case. Well. The last 11 and a half years of struggle with treatment will be worth it. If this is now how I’m going to be forever. Then I’m ok with all that I’ve missed out on. Because I’m determined. And I will ‘catch up’. And I will achieve what I want to.
I am as always. So incredibly grateful to my amazing family who have never given up on me. To my beyond amazing friends who have always been there. And are now enjoying me again. And are so happy for me. And to my Bloodwise ‘family’ who have supported me and listened to me whinge and moan and complain and have never told me to shut up and get over it. Or compare themselves and how bad it may be for them to me. They have given me much needed space. And I can’t put into words about what that has meant to me.
And this Christmas, my heart doesn’t ache in quite the same way for what I want and don’t have. There is a glimmer that I might get it. And I will hang on to that fiercely.
So I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas is you are able. It can be difficult and I really know how that is. I hope you can surround yourself with love and joy. And I hope. Because without it there is nothing.
XxX
