Well, it's another month no doubt made up by social media companies that I can jump on the bandwagon about. And shout about. Angrily. What a surprise. Me, angry about something? Noooo.
Well I'm fucking furious about this one. Livid. The words to truly explain how I feel about this don't exist. I even wrote the below and sent it to the recent birth trauma inquiry in Parliament. How fucking ridiculous that there is an inquiry going on in an establishment that's meant to look after us; but day in day out interferes and meddles with birth to suit their timelines, and their policy made up on bullshit 'science' mainly stated by men over 100 years ago. I shit you not. And the trauma and the guilt are long-lasting and impacts on bond, breastfeeding and more which is also devastating. And no, it's not ok to say 'well at least the the baby is safe'. That's a fucking cop out to allow people to get away with what they are doing and to not deal with any of the consequences of their actions. Also the mothers mental health is so important and if that gets trashed at birth, as mine did, it makes those first days and weeks which are meant to be magical, fucking awful. Horrific. And no mother should go through that because of the ease of hospital staff.
I haven't really written about my, sorry, our, little magical girl. Because once again a lot of it isn't my story to tell. It's hers. It's why I basically never post photos of her, very rarely her face. I don't want her to pull me up on it and be angry when she's older that I didn't protect her privacy by plastering her face all over social media. For likes and follows. So I keep her fairly secret. And when she's older, if she wants to put her life on social media, she can. As it's her decision. And when I say older. I mean older. You know, maybe at 25. Lolz.
Anyways. I was coerced into a c-section with the dead baby card played by an obstetrician as she was breech. It terrified the shit out of my now ex who didn't understand why I didn't want a c-section and thought I was putting our baby at risk. I'm informed. I'm educated. I knew the risks. But I was nearly 39 weeks pregnant feeling very vulnerable and alone. With no one in my corner. It was horrific. The last 2 days of my pregnancy were ones of stress, arguing and wanting to leave. And then my waters broke in front of my now ex. So I could only do one thing. Go to the hospital.
''Her birth was a complete car crash of everything I didn’t want to happen, happening. All my requests were denied. I suspect this was due to her being an ‘emergency c-section’ born at 12.51am on a Monday morning, so I got the graveyard weekend staff who clearly put all their wants before mine. It was still ‘covidy’ so I had to wait on my own for a few hours until going up to theatre where I was allowed to be with my partner. I think he had to wait in the car, so that’s also not great in terms of trauma for him.
I live with Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia and I had to wait for 14 years of chemotherapy to be in a place where I was safe to have a baby. My consultant refers to her as ‘our miracle baby’ so my pregnancy and her birth were meant to be incredibly special.
I found out she was breech at 38+4 due to developing high blood pressure and needing a growth scan, and I was refused a vaginal birth because of a lack of skillset of midwives and obstetricians who choose not to upskill to allow women to have the birth they want. A breech baby is not a hazard or a danger, it’s a variation of normal that the modern medicalised birth system governed by outdated and often unfounded research which shapes policy, chooses not to recognise and instead puts mothers and their babies at risk.
I had a failed ECV (trying to turn the baby) at 38+5 and my waters broke at 38+6 around 7.30pm. We spent 3 hours at the hospital when I had my ECV and the only thing my partner heard from the conversation with the obstetrician was the dead baby card he played when I said I wanted a vaginal birth not a c-section. C-sections are really damaging for mother and child and the rate at which they are used is shocking. C-section babies are more prone to eczema, allergy and asthma because of how their microbiome is disrupted at birth. So I had no time to get into place anyone or anything to help assist me in what I wanted to happen.
When being consented for the surgery I asked for a gentle c-section which was denied for no reason (I believe it’s because they take longer, and they wanted the surgery to be over and done with as soon as possible). I also asked for delayed cord clamping which also didn’t happen. Because my body wasn’t given the time it needed after the spinal block, (I believe because it was the middle of the night, and I was just another women being cut open that evening) I could feel pain when I shouldn’t have done. I managed to hold out until my daughter was surgically removed from me and I then needed a general anesthetic.
I didn’t have my golden hour or immediate skin to skin. She didn’t get the cord blood that was hers because of the general anesthetic and needing to prevent her from getting any through the placenta. I was separated from her for between 2-4 hours after she was born, I can’t remember how long. My breast milk was delayed because of all of this so I was put on a horrific and stressful feeding programme when she was 5 days old because of ‘too much weight loss’ even though c-section babies lose more weight as they are born with all the fluid in them that normally gets squeezed out during a vaginal birth. I also don’t remember my first words to her or being given her.
Her birth, which was so special to me, was completely taken over by ‘health care professionals’ who were simply following their own agenda. They didn’t care about me or what I wanted or what I was going through. No doubt to them it was just another c-section to bill for and more money for them.
I cannot put into polite terms the negative impact this has had on me. Also learning to be at peace with my body and the ‘pouch’ caused by the surgery. I have body dysmorphia and the horror of having this for the rest of my life, a daily reminder of how my daughter came into the world and all that it shouldn’t have been but was. It’s been so damaging mentally to me and has also had serious and negative consequences on my relationship.
It’s taken me 2 years to be able to talk about this without bursting into tears immediately. For the guilt to lessen that I failed her. I wasn’t there when she was born. She didn’t get a third of her bodies blood and stem cells that are in placental blood. As someone living with a blood cancer, I really hope this doesn’t impact negatively on her future health.
I have officially complained to the hospital and got an apology back. That everything that happened, shouldn’t have. But if I can’t have any more children, nothing will truly get me over that night. How the people who are meant to look after you when you are so vulnerable failed completely. If I have another baby I will have it at home regardless of womb position. I will not trust anyone in a hospital setting around birth because they do not care.''
