Well. What a year. Where to begin. Of what was meant to be. An exciting new start in London for my family. Re-building my work. A new job for him. Our second baby.
And then.
Well. It all went to shit. The grief. The heartbreak. The heartache. Of questioning what I did wrong. Why wasn’t I good enough. Why is another so much better than me.
Apparently no one else was behind our split, I find that hard to swallow. To believe. That things said to me could be so suddenly turned off. Reversed. In weeks. Without there being the pull of another.
And it’s been so hard to process. To not blame myself for it all. How can another, other children, another dog, a 45 minute commute on the train from London be better than what we had. Our child. Our dog. Our home. Yes, not the nicest flat in the nicest part of London. But being in London. What we both wanted. And within weeks all that had gone.
This wasn’t going to be a heartbreak vomit going over what’s already been said before. Because I’m so much better than I was this time a year ago. I was still reeling from it all. Didn’t know there was already another. Believed what I was told.
More fool me. Especially knowing the history.
And yet. I won’t go into things on here. And I know everyone thinks I’m a fucking idiot. However…..
Time will tell.
I have a plan for 2025 and I’m going to be brave and write it down here and put it on the internet. Because, well, that’s what I do.
2024 has once again shown me I am surrounded by a great force of love. From those I know in person, and from those whose pictures I know online. The call to arms that happens when my life goes to shit is astounding. And it’s happened this time from those I didn’t expect, which has made it even more impactful.
2024 has shown me how strong I am. You do not fuck me with me, my child or my dog. I will dig deep and stand firm in a way I never thought I would. Or would have to. I did not think in the year that I turned 40 that I would be where I am today.
2024 has shown me that I will put my magical baby girl before everything. Regardless of the impact on me. Every cell in my body is about keeping her happy, regardless of age or how adaptable she might be.
2024 has shown me that I will get out of bed every day. Regardless. I will smile. Regardless.
2024 has shown me that I also need to focus on my happy. So I have decided to change direction with my work and really focus on mother and baby. It’s why I have started training as a post-natal doula even when arguably, I should have spent the money on day to day living
2024 has not been the year I thought it was going to be. I know I will look back and know it was all for the best.
It was also the year that I started as a size 8 and ended it as a size 8 so that’s definitely a positive.
But back to my 2025 plan which I what I started to write about before going off on a massive tangent.
I will end it with a successful business rather than just scraping by.
I will end it with a family unit, whoever that will be with.
I will end it with baby number 2.
Because I have learnt that when I really put my mind to something it happens.
