The Marathon- I did it!

Well peeps,

Where to begin?  This past weekend has been a bit emotional, starting with the Teenage Cancer Trust pasta party when a women came up to me to say hello, and it was my friend Jacks mother.  For those of you who have been reading this for a while or have recently come across it, but read a few of my posts, you will have read how affected I was by Jacks death.  It was also strangely fitting as I know he was with me yesterday as I jogged around the streets of London.

So Sunday dawned bright and sunny and I was up at 7am to eat my banana so I digested it enough before I started running about about 9.45 so I didn't get a stitch.  I went to Clapham to collect a school friend, Lulu, before heading to London bridge to get our different (sob) trains to the different starting points.  Lulu had got a place through the ballot so started at a different point to myself.  I had no idea until last week that there were different starting places, but I guess it makes sense!  I did however, pick up a not bad looking guy at the bus stop in Brixton who was starting from the same point as me and not a Londoner, so took him along so he knew where to go. So the day started well!

As I am rarely awake at that time in the morning, I had thought that maybe it had been like that a lot over the past week and the weather then turned to shit, but no, yesterday was unique.  Due to this I ran the first 8 miles (which did actually fly by) in my winter running top.  I-D-I-O-T as I kept on expecting it to cloud over and the rain to start.  So I did a good job of destroying myself and de-hydrating myself before the half way point.  Excellent. But then again, not as stupid as all the people TEXTING on the way around!!!  I actually saw a girl fall over because she was on her phone. Idiot.

People were out and about cheering for most of the start of the route, but when I got to Tower Bridge I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there, and when I spied my darling Daddio I went over and burst into tears.  It was at the point that it really struck home what I was doing.  To be honest though, whilst running yesterday I had to keep on reminding myself that this is it, this is what I've trained for over the last 6 months as it was so surreal, and it still is.  I can't actually believe that I have done it!

Mile 21 and I started to slow down and the walking began.  I ran/walked the rest of the way, but did run the whole of the last 2 miles.

I was not an emotional wreck at the end, in fact there was just the feeling of elation and being really proud of myself.  In fact, other than at the 12 mile ish point, I have been fine about it, although I am beginning to feel it all coming up now.....I think it will take me a while to fully process it  as I can't really remember running it yesterday or how it felt.  I'm sure this will sound odd to most of you, it even sounds odd to me, but that's just the way it is.  Maybe in a week I will wake up and clearly remember every detail.

If any of you reading this were out there supporting, thank you so much, I am so grateful to every person who yelled out my name and those who handed out Jelly Babies in the last 2 miles, they kept me going, I was amazed at the difference they made!  Instant refined sugar hit, mmmm.

So, how do I feel about it all?  To be honest I'm a bit disappointed by my time - 5hrs, 5mins, 17sec as I was so hoping for 4.5hrs and as my training had indicated that I would be able to achieve that time, BUT you don't know how it will be on the day and there were so many people, and that slows you down.  HOWEVER, I did it.

I did it in one piece, I didn't get a stitch, I didn't pull a muscle or damage my knees, ankles or feet.  I did it with a smile on my face as people yelled out my name. I did it as I saw my friends along the route and blew them kisses. I did it when it was hot and got sun burnt shoulders.  I did it, and that it what I was aiming to do.  I did it for every teenager and adult I have come into contact with through TCT.   I did it for everyone on one of their wards at the moment, for everyone who will be diagnosed and I did it for every one who has tragically died. I did it for my friends and family.  I did it whilst on chemo.  I did it for me. I did it.

And here are a couple of pics to prove it!

XXX

10 days until the Marathon

Well my lovely bloglets,

10 days to go and I'm fucking terrified.  Went for a long run last Saturday - day before Easter, and it was hellish.  I was aiming to do 21 miles and had to give up after 19.  My leg muscles were in agony after 10 miles and I had to walk a lot, and continuously stretch.  And do you know why?  Because I was a fucking idiot and hadn't eaten enough the day before.  Good lesson learnt though.

I was a bit angry with myself about this because I really wanted to hit the 20 mile mark and 6 more miles is more doable than 7 - in my head anyways.  I was going to go for a run today with no distance or mile aim, to just go, but have been sneezing and a gland was up behind my ear last night.  Must. not. get. ill.  So will see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow and do it.  I will do at least 5 miles tomorrow as I need to keep running a bit otherwise it will be a real shock on the day.

I've also been really emotional, and whenever I think about the marathon I well up and have to really focus on not crying. Maybe I should stop the stopping and just have a good sob.

Speaking to my mother about my reaction to looking around the TCT ward has had me thinking about it, and on reflection I don't think it was necessarily the reaction or lack of from the guy, but seeing a room like the one I was in that has triggered all the emotion.  As previously said, I haven't had any contact with a hospital room since and I think it has brought the shock of the diagnosis back.  Also, it makes me think that how can those symptoms that I had and how I am mean cancer?  It's all a bit of a head fuck really.  Sometimes I feel like I am living in a parallel world and it's a bit dreamlike.  The reality is that I am fine, and nothing is or was wrong with me, and the cancer is in the parallel world which I am momentarily stuck in.  And I want the parallel world to end and for me to just live in the now, and the now does not consist of hospital appointments and chemo and cancer.  The now is a place of health and happiness and not worrying about it.  The now is not 3 monthly check ups where I want the good news so badly that it hurts - that I've got the results to come off the drugs. The now is not thinking about if I will have to have IVF because I am not fertile.  The now is not being a fucking idiot and running 26 miles to raise money for a cancer charity who are so close to my heart, because I don't know about them.  But the now is a dream, and I live in the parallel.  The parallel where my worries are so different to my (non TCT) friends, who as wonderful as they are, don't understand.  The parallel is a place of wanting but having to wait.  The parallel is where I run 26 miles and I take with me those who are not here any more.  I take with me those who here are but are marked for life because of it.  I take those with me because they know, and no words have to be spoken to bond us.

It is because of this that every time I think of the marathon I want to cry.

XXX