Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Reflections on a friendship lost

Well I think it's only appropriate that I talk about friendship today. This has been on my mind recently, possibly due to an article that is in Grazia this week about myself and my little blonde bezzie- Crouch.

I have, as you know by knowing me or by reading this, been incredibly lucky with the support I have had from my friends since that Friday night when the phone rang at about 7pm. The love that I have felt from nearly everyone has been phenomenal and at times, when I stop to think about it, overwhelming. And whilst there are inaccuracies in the article (the journalist didn't phone to read through the copy before it went to print) the last paragraph sums it up perfectly. And whilst it has been brought home, once again, the love and support I have not only from Crouch, but by everyone there is someone on my mind who is no longer a part of it.

This person shall remain both sexless and nameless out of respect for them. Whilst I am going to mention how our friendship has fallen apart, it is not to name and shame. This person came into my life during my gap year, a friend of a friend, and we became very close basically from the get go. Admittedly our friendship was definitely one of playful abuse and sarcasm and to outsiders it seemed like all we did was insult each other, and in fact, did not like each other at all. This was not the case. We were very close and spent a lot of time together. It was also handy that our universities and parental homes were not far from each other meaning that we saw a lot of each other, especially during the holidays. Due to this, after my diagnosis, I think I leaned on this person too much. In retrospect I too bit demanding and wanted to see them a lot and they couldn't deal with this. This is the one person where my diagnosis pushed us apart instead of making us closer. It is also the one thing I wish I could change. Whist I am surrounded by incredible friends with so much love and support I miss this person and my depending on them so much has resulted in the friendship falling apart and being no longer.

I wish they they would read this and see how much I regret the pressure I put them under to be there for me not taking into consideration how they were feeling about me, the cancer and if they were coping with it. I didn't give them the space they needed to process everything that was happening and the more they backed off the more I tried to see and speak to them. This has resulted in them no longer responding to calls and text messages where I try to arrange to meet up or to catch up over the phone. I have now given up on trying to make our friendship work and no longer try to speak or see them. I have deleted them from Facebook and whilst their number is in my phone, my stubborn side has kicked in, and it's a number to ignore.

So forgive me for this rather indulgent ramble about the one person I have lost when I have gained so much. It's very rare in life you see how much you are loved and I get to see it all the time. Whilst many would see a cancer diagnosis as a punishment, it is for me, a blessing. I know I am surrounded by those who love me, care for me, and fight my fight with me very step of the way. And whilst this is about a frienhip lost, it is also a recognition of everyone one of you who is in my corner and with me evey moment of every day.

As always, with love, laughter and smiles,

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