At the top of the mountain

I should be feeling happier, but actually at the moment I just feel a bit pissed off.  It might be due to reading out my talk that I’m doing next week at Find Your Sense of Tumour out aloud down the phone to my mother.  Bringing up everything again.   Crying again.  But it’s good.  I need to do this to process and come to terms with, and be at peace with it all.  And now I feel angry and irritated and if I wasn’t alone in the flat at the moment, I would be picking a verbal fight without whoever I was with to let off steam.  So instead, I shall type, and hopefully by the end of this I will feel better.

I also feel fucked off that people who have only been in my life since my diagnosis have only known the tired, grumpy and whingy me.  And those that are no longer in it have missed it, and this is not fair.  Fucking hell.  Whinge whinge whinge.  I suppose it’s a shame that… well life is what it is, and we are all on a path, regardless of what it is.  And I’ve felt alive and amazing and like me again for about 2 and half weeks now and I’ve got a further 3 and a half weeks off the drugs but then what happens?  Will it be the same?  Will having a break mean that the side effects are less? Will I descend back into the fog again?  I feel like I’m at the top of the mountain.  The climb has been long and tough and at times I’ve wanted to give up, but I carried on.  I persevered and I made it.  And the view.  It’s amazing, like nothing I’ve seen before, or at least not for a very long time and I can breathe.  Will the descent be a quick tumble down, back through the clouds?  Or will it be manageable?  Change and not knowing.  Two things I really don’t like and fight against, but are constantly put in my path to deal with, even though I often feel like a toddler lying on the floor kicking and screaming.  Maybe that’s what I should do to let it all out, rather than just feel like it.

Thursday was my check up and my consultant has a dilemma.  How long will he leave me off the drugs as it’s clear it is them that make me tired and not depression.  It has been found that with pregnant women, the leukaemic rate stays stable for about 6 months but then it begins to rise again.  I will have to go back on them – so he says, but at what point?  And will I be worse physically and/or emotionally?  I have asked that if it stays stable at 0.009% is that not low enough to remain off the drugs as long as it is stable and doesn’t go up?  Apparently I gave quite a good argument as he seems to be considering it.  Time will tell.  But for now, I shall enjoy the next 3 and a half weeks.  Remain positive and happy; because whilst this does not reflect it, I am actually over the fucking moon at the moment.  It’s so incredible to be listened to, and truly listened to.  Too have active decisions made that are best for me and how I feel.

Do you know what?  I feel better now.  The tightness has gone and my breaths are once again low and deep.  So thank you for giving me this space.

Until next time dear bloglets, with a great big smile,

Lots of love and laughter,

XXX