Stuck

Well it's Monday again. Can't believe it. I have been going through my old blog posts trying to find one to tweet for today's Monday Blogs but after reading so many, I can't find one that suits my mood today.

I have read a fair few of my old posts as I'm in the car going to my grandmothers for lunch which involves driving across the UK from Nayland (Suffolk) to Bourton on the Water (Gloucestershire).  Joy. I feel like a bad grandchild because I can't be arsed. I'm tired. Last night a submitted one of my essays at 20 to midnight. 44 pages and the majority of it doesn't get marked, but it all had to be done as one part contributed to another. Fucking critiques. And that's what my dissertation is. The essay was only critiquing two papers. My dissertation is 6-10. Fuck. Time. I never seem to have enough. I used my 2 week extension for the critique which means everything else has been pushed back. I will aim to get one of my case studies done by the 2nd Jan, deadline is the 6th and use my extension for the other one due on the same day. I do LOVE how my deadlines are always at the same time. I also have an exam on the 8th Jan, my patient to prepare for on the 13th Jan, dissertation stuff to do, journal writing in preparation for another essay. It's non stop and I'm exhausted.

I went to see my personal tutor just before coming home for Christmas and as I was talking she said to me it sounded like burn out. I am burnt out. I am fucking exhausted. I'm not sleeping well which only makes it worse. My legs have started aching because I'm so tired. I'm fed up of it. My 7 year cancerversary is rapidly approaching. I can't believe it. 7 years. I know I should be grateful and happy. I have had 7 years when others have not. And I'm fed up with whinging all the fucking time about being tired.

My older blog posts are quite short and upbeat talking about fun things and everything being great. It wasn't. I had shit care from my consultant in Edinburgh and am now beginning to think that about my last London consultant. I'm more honest now. It's good. It's me processing. And acknowledging.

I should stop now. I should go. I will be back, and I look forward to posting about joy in the future. I'm just a but stuck at the moment.

With love and laughter- laughter is so important.
Me XxX

Will I ever be able to let go?

So my lovely bloglets,

I feel that of late I have been a bit whingey, and that I am not necessarily allowed to be.  Being back on the chemo is a bit shit.  I am tired and all I want to do is eat and sleep and eat a bit more.  Work is piling up because I am not able to sit down and get on with it.  As I should be now.  So I check twitter for a minute and then look up and an hour has gone.  Look to see how many people have looked at this and my jimmyteens video blogs.  Check my junk folders for emails I might have missed, or allow myself the time to rest that I need, but should not take. So feel guilty.

An extra day a week at Uni seems like so little, but its impact has been so much.  Not only with me, but the rest of my class as well.  Last week only 3 of us out of 15 turned up for a lecture.  And I want to punch them when they say that they are tired.  And anger is not good.  The only person it impacts on is me.  And I walk around with all this negative energy with my mind on a loop.  You haven't got a fucking clue. You don't live with cancer and the treatment I go through.  But I can do so much compared to some.

A very lovely person who I interact with but do not actually know carries a much heavier burden that me, but does it with so much grace.  There is so much forgiveness there.  But maybe it's because they are further down the line.  There is more life experience and greater illness which may mean that the appreciation for everything is at a higher level than I can do at the moment.  Their last blog was about their father, and lack of.  I am so lucky.  I have my whole family as one unit, and whilst I get pissed off with each of them for different reasons.  They are there.  We are one.  And it's just us.  So many do not have this, why can't I just accept what I have and be joyful for it?

My birthday was last week and I was overwhelmed by the messages I received from people.  My phone was going all day with text, facebook and twitter notifications due to people saying happy birthday.  Many do not have this, I do, and yet I am so begrudging of so many.

So many I know have had loved ones taken away from them early because of cancer, I too, have not escaped from this unscathed.  But I still have my parents, my grandparents, aunts and uncles.  There will be no one missing this Christmas and my gorgeous little brother will be home, so my little unit will be complete.

What is a bit of tiredness?  Why do I let it rule me so completely?  I hope as time progresses I am able to let go of the anger and the un-fairness of the situation, and can focus on the positive.  There is so much of it.

With love, and a little laughter,

Me, XXX