Feeling Hesitant

Well my lovely Bloglets,

I have now been feeling lighter for over a week and happy again.  It's quite strange.  The sun it out, I'm now doing a daily photo on Blipfoto (SwearingQueen if you wish to have a look) and it's really helping.  I didn't realise how much I would enjoy the 100 Happy Day challenge and it certainly didn't feel like a challenge to me.  Maybe it's because underneath all the cancer and chemo shit there is a genuinely happy person who has just needed the space and an outlet to get out.

I can't remember when I started to enjoy photography.  I think it was after my gap year when I got all the film rolls developed and I went though them with my parents showing them everywhere I had been and was complimented on the photos I had taken.  I didn't have a particularly special camera.  I don't even think it had a zoom.  I can't remember to be honest. I know I am by no means the worlds most gifted photographer but it makes me really happy.  I can't wait to be free and in August to spend time wandering around London taking photos again.  Having no time limit or destination in mind. To just wander, looking, capturing moments.  Just me, my iPod and my camera. Freedom. I long to go abroad again, as I did in the summer of 2011.  6 weeks away, 3 on my own, 3 with friends.  Just seeing where I ended up each day. Always with my camera in tow.

Yesterday I amazed myself by handing in a piece of work on time.  That's the second time I have managed it this academic year.  Being ill in October and then the grey cloud of burnout and being, well, depressed, descended.  My dissertation cut off for draft work is Monday and I took a new patient yesterday, and then there is a case study, a financial plan, a communication and marketing plan, and a continuing professional development plan to write. But I feel ok about it. My new patient will be my case study.  I don't think it's going to be particularly good, but the patient isn't complicated, thank fuck, which makes it easier.

I have 3 sections of my dissertation to write in just under 3 weeks.  I will get there.  I will get it done.  I had a good meeting with my supervisor last week and also bumped into the module leader, neither are worried about me getting it done.  They have faith in me.  So I should have it in myself.  I am getting there.  Shifts are happening.  My wonderful clinic supervisor was in clinic yesterday.  He has always been in my corner. And he is so knowledgeable and wise and he gets me.  It's amazing.  He told me it's now time to let go.  I don't need what I carry around with me any more.  It doesn't serve me.  It's not necessary.  I am now me.  And I should trust me.  I know what's right.  I know what to do.  I am ready.  And I feel this as well.  Tentatively. It's a bit strange.  Time for change.

Change.  It doesn't sit so well with me but I am getting better with it.  Change this week, I am waiting to find out about if I have to start the new chemo.  I'm nervous.  Side effects have hindered me for a long time.  Not sure I'm ready to deal with more now that I feel, well, happy.  I don't want to lose this. Someone pulled me up on twitter for posting so many photos of myself.  I know I do it.  I know why I do it.  And yes.  It is for compliments.  Not in a narcissistic way but to confirm what I am beginning, with baby steps to believe about myself.  And feeling good about me, well, that's amazing.

Next week I say goodbye to my patient that I have had since September.  I will have seen her 20 times.  It's sad but also it's time.  She is ready.  I have helped to get her there.  I'm not solely responsible and would never say that I am.  I have been a part of it though and that.  Well.  That's why I am what I am, a Naturopath. And I am well enough in myself to support someone else and to get there to where I am.  I must remember that.  I feel like a bird sitting on the edge of the nest getting ready to soar into the sky, and soar I shall.  And it's terrifying but perfect.

And so with love, hope and happiness,
XXX