New Drugs

Well my lovely bloglets,

I sort of wish I had written this yesterday when I received the email from my consultant that my leukaemic rate has gone up from 0.016% to 0.038% so I have to start the new drugs.

Today I feel calmer. Resigned. I don't want to take them but I have to. I don't want to because of the fasting twice a day.  For two hours before and an hour after taking them. And because it's highly probably I will be intolerant. So now I will be on high alert. How do I feel? My legs are aching. But they were anyway because I'm exhausted. Shooting pain in my head. That's the fatigue. What else feels different? Or will I begin to manifest symptoms because I'm expecting them. The mind is a very powerful thing. Obviously I don't want to be intolerant to them. Two consultants have said I probably will be so I'm not hopeful. I just hope it's not like the first lot I was on. That would be fucking awful.

I have to get through the next 6 weeks.

I also don't want to take them because I have been denied the drugs I should be on. How dare they. The NHS will treat the effects of type 2 diabetes and other lifestyle related illness that can be fixed with dietary changes and exercise with pharmaceutical drugs. And I have fucking cancer and the drugs my consultant wants me to have I can't. That might be different soon depending on how I am... At least she listens to me.  And communicates with me.  Her last email ended with 'sorry :(' You have no idea what that means to me.  She understands.  Finally, someone on my side.

Always waiting.

I might have lost a bit of my hope and the idea of a bird tattoo is fading.

It seems that my body can't cope on it's own to kill the remaining cancer cells awake and dormant in my body. Maybe my dream, my want, my hope of coming off treatment is something I will have to give up on. Maybe my life will never be fully mine again.

And this hurts the most.

But I'm still here. When many aren't.

What's 2 pills a day.



XXX