Last night I put a photo on twitter that I shouldn't have done. I did not do it to be malicious or unkind or to ridicule or to have a go or anything else that it may have been interpreted as. I will not put the photo on here to show you, it was a photo of me next to a photo of an obese person and I entitled it, 'I suppose I'm not fat...' I have also deleted it.
I did it and tweeted it and then got the consequences of it. I did not think. I did not mean to portray what was interpreted. I could blame exhaustion and not thinking properly. I could blame not thinking properly without exhaustion, but I don't think that I should necessarily blame myself for doing it, however that is what I am doing.
Generally speaking I would like to think I'm a fairly nice person and think about others often before myself. That I think about my actions and how others would feel, and that often I don't say what I would really like to because it would be upsetting and hurtful. I think that's why I found last night upsetting. I never meant to be 'that' person.
I, as you know if you read this or know me, have fairly large self-image issues which I am trying very hard to over come. I am trying to see how I am and to like, love, accept how I look without constantly wanting to be just a bit thinner, or to have smaller thighs or to look like they do. And it's hard. The older I get the more aware I am of myself and how events in my like have impacted, I am beginning to fully process how being fat when I was little and then in my 20s has shaped me and my self-opinion. And it's all my own opinion. I was never called fat. My grandmother weighing me certainly didn't help, but I was never bullied or called names. I had friends and remember having fun. It's all me.
I know at a level I'm not fat, to fit into the size clothes I wear I know I'm not fat, yet...... I am aware of every mouthful of food that I eat and the consequences that could happen if I did actually let myself eat everything that I wanted to when I saw it.
I hope that when I'm not so exhausted, when this fucking degree is over, hopefully tomorrow, my cravings will lessen and I won't be constantly thinking about chocolate and doughnuts and cake.
Maybe I think that I'm fat and dare I add in ugly, maybe that's too harsh, ok looking, as well because, unlike the majority of my friends, I am still single. Maybe it's easy just to think bad things about myself as a way to explain it. I don't know. I do genuinely sometimes wonder what is wrong with me though, and have two categories. Fat and ugly or don't drink and cancer.
It's amazing what we tell ourselves, with no actual true reasoning or evidence as to why. The mind is incredibly powerful and I also don't know why I can't accept deep down what I am told. Maybe it's all been a protection as I've needed to focus on me and not had the space or time for anyone else. Or maybe I just need a shit load of therapy.
XXX
I think the people who need the therapy are the ones who got so wound up by a little bit of dry humour. While everyone blames society for God knows what, they aren't taking responsibility for their own actions. Obese people aren't ill. If you stuff yourself with crap all day long, you will be very fat. You will look horrible, embarrass your children, and endanger your health. So people might mock you a bit. Live with it, or do something about it. Incidentally, I am not a paragon of virtue; I am at least a dress size bigger than I'd like to and last night was annoyed with myself because I ate a bowl of very creamy ice cream (it was wonderful!) when I wasn't remotely hungry. If I didn't exercise restrait sometimes, though, I'd be an obese person, too, because I love eating!
ReplyDeleteAs for your own self-image - I hope it gets better, I really do. One way of making it so is to make yourself look as good as you can, always. It's not superficial, it gives you confidence. Everyone goes through long single phases in their lives. Yeah, yeah, we shouldn't identify ourselves as a couple, and blah blah blah, but it's human nature to pair up. I had a nearly 2 year one, once, and thought I'd be alone forever. I've since had several 'boyfriends' and been married twice (the last one happily!!).
Have a good day, and heed the advice of an oldie!