A Realisation Whilst Shelling Broad Beans

So my lovely bloglets,

The last few months, well year, has been one of an awakening in many ways.  I can blame it all on one of my modules - The Therapeutic Relationship.  Journaling, reading theory, realising what makes us behave in the way that we do, tracing it back.  It's liberating, and it also brings up a lot of shit.

Along with dealing with all the cancer shit, which I have done a lot of already, believe it or not.  I now need to work on me.  Not necessarily the inner me, in many ways I am so happy to be me, I like me, I am at peace with me which cancer and everything I have dealt with confirms.  I now need to deal with the outer me.  My appearance or rather how I see it.  I have touched on this before, and I wrote my last post about it.

I think now, it's time to tell you a little story, forgive me if I have told you before, it appears that is all goes back to this event.

Let me introduce you to a little girl called Katie.  She is at school.  She has not been at school for that long, but is happy there, she is about 6. She has her friends and can't wait for after the long holiday because she knows she will then be in a new classroom.  But after the holiday she goes back into the same classroom. She doesn't understand why. She knows she should be in a different room but she isn't. And she doesn't know why.  

And after that.  She began to put on weight.  She believes she is fat and ugly.  She believes that she isn't good enough.  And today, whilst shelling broad beans, I realised.  I have thought for the last 22 years that I'm not good enough.

This is massive.  I now know what I need to work on.  I need to realise that I am good enough, that it wasn't my fault.  I spend all my time apologising, even when whatever has happened is nothing to do with me, and I couldn't have an impact on the outcome.  I feel responsible all the time.  Because.  I wasn't good enough.

The reality was that there wasn't space in the classroom for another desk and as I was a year ahead of myself at that point the school pulled me back.  I have been told it was explained to me.  I don't remember this.  I just remember walking into that classroom again and being so confused.

I am going home on Sunday and then my therapy on this begins.  With my mother using EFT and Matrix Re-imprinting.  I will go back to that moment, and I will tell little me that it's ok.  I will take away the trauma. And then.  I can forgive myself and heal. 

I am also, making progress, slowly but surely with how I look. And being brave enough to put this photo on here and twitter is proof that I am.  I can look at this and be happier with how I am. Well, I wouldn’t mind being a little bit brown, but I am looking good enough. 

I am good enough.

With love and so much hope,

XXX