Well my lovely Bloglets,
I
have over the years since my diagnosis had a lot of therapy. Initially I went
to see someone to talk to, to help me process and resolve all the emotional
things that have happened because of my diagnosis. I have learnt
over the last 9 and a bit years that in actual fact a lot of what upsets me now
is linked to childhood trauma whether big or little. This is the case for most
of us. By chance one day I was watching something with my mother (who is also a therapist) around 7 and a half or 8 years ago, and I got upset by something and she did some therapy work with me.
Since then she has been my go to therapist. Potentially a bit weird. But. It
works for me. I am honest with her when I wasn't with a stranger.
I
have linked my self taught belief, well the most prominent one, of not being good
enough back to something when I was really little. An event completely out of
my control happened and for some reason I took the responsibility of someone's
happiness onto my own shoulders. I couldn't make them smile, stupid though this
sounds to a rational adult mind, and this made me think I'm not good
enough.
This
theme runs through my life. For example at school being told I wasn't clever enough by my
English teacher to read the book I told her I was reading. I was 11 and I think
reading an Austin book. It took me until I was 16 or 17 to read 'proper books'
by choice instead of trash. (Not that there's anything wrong with trash).
At
school once again, I excelled in the classroom and then repeatedly didn't get
the equivalent grades in exams much to my teachers puzzlement.
In
relationships. Until now I have been the in between girl whilst the guy doesn't
actually want a girlfriend, but doesn't want to be alone, and then they end it
with me when someone they actually want to be with comes along. Or I attract
the emotionally unavailable and they aren't ready. Until now I have thought
it's because I'm not good enough.
I
could list other examples but I would be here all day. I just wanted to
highlight a bit of my history.
So
now. I choose to be good enough. And the way I am going to do it, is of course
to put it on the Internet. Because that's just what I do.
People
tell me I'm amazing all the time. I smile, say thank you and then tell them why
I'm not. Today that stops. From today I shall just say thank you and believe
what they say.
From
today I am going to give myself credit for all I achieve. Because I have
achieved a lot.
- I carried on with Uni after my diagnosis. I wanted to graduate with my friends and I did.
- I moved to London.
- I look after myself.
- I was brave enough to quit a job that made me fucking miserable and went back to Uni to train as a Naturopath.
- I have set up my own business and I am achieving amazing things.
- I have continued to believe in myself and my business when others have told me to get a proper job.
- I haven't changed my pricing to encourage more people to see me because I know that I am worth the rate I charge- I didn't spend 4 years training to charge only £40 an hour.
- I have run one half marathon, one marathon and about to do another.
- I have inspired people to do great things for charity.
- I have an opinion that is sought after by the NHS and cancer charities.
- I smile and laugh and see the positive.
- I get out of bed everyday.
I do
all this and more whilst dealing with chronic fatigue as a side effect of
chemotherapy I take daily and have for over 9 years.
I do
all this living with cancer and all the shit that goes alongside it.
I do
all of this because I am amazing and from now on I will truly honour what I
have done and what I continue to do.
I
also do this because I am surrounded by a fucking amazing family and
friends.
And
if you really want to make me smile you can sponsor me.
With
love and hope,
XxX
