Chemo Free and Feeling GOOD

Well my lovely bloglets,

I tend to write this when I either feel fucking miserable and need to get things out of the head to stop myself from going mad.  Or something amazing has happened and I want to show off.

Today, it’s neither of those things.  I am writing because I feel happy and like me again!

It’s taken two weeks for me to feel like this again, a little longer than I was hoping, but, it’s here!!

So what does this mean?  Well, I’m not surviving on as little sleep as I thought I would and actually ended up sleeping for 11 hours last night which I wasn’t expecting.  But I had already decided to have a chilled morning, so I woke up when I did naturally, not to an alarm which is always nice.  I think that also since feeling better I have done a lot, so it’s not that surprising on reflection that I needed a long sleep last night.

I thought I would talk you through the days as there are only 3 and a half to talk about to show you how amazing it is to be like this.

Monday – I think I had 9 hours sleep, I went for a run!!!!!!  First time since fuck knows when, and then went to my work space.  I got EVERYTHING done on my to do list – I can’t actually remember the last time I managed to do this and then went to an event.  At the event I was able to stand for TWO AND A HALF HOURS.  I haven’t been able to do this in YEARS! I can normally manage about half an hour before I need to sit.  I was also able to concentrate and DIDN’T WORRY about getting home or sleep or how I would feel the next day or ANTYING.  I was then able to walk to the tube WITHOUT wanting to cry because I was so exhausted or wonder how the fuck I was going to find the energy to get there.  It was fucking IMMENSE.

Tuesday – I woke up after around 9 hours and got ready ON TIME, (I’m even quicker at making breakfast and getting ready) and ran my networking meeting.  I then had two meetings back to back and then a patient.  I also managed to STAND on the tube on the way home and DIDN’T CRY!!!!!!!!  I also managed to do all of this without mainlining caffeine and/or sugar.

Wednesday – I think I slept a little bit more, maybe more like 9 and a half hours or 10 hours and had a meeting and then a patient and then went to my workspace to work.  I then decided to walk home which took 40 minutes and saw a friend for supper.

Today – I ended up sleeping for 11 hours last night – I think I might have done a bit much over the last couple of days….. and I went for a run and then saw a friend and had a meeting and STOOD on the tube and have been doing emails for the last hour and a half AND I HAVE CONCENTRATION AND I DON’T FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE BECAUSE I’M SO EXHAUSTED AND I FEEL HAPPY AND I GET SHIT DONE AND I’M NOT WORRYING ABOUT TOMORROW.

I have my life back.

I definitely have 2 more weeks of this and I am going to enjoy and love EVERY SINGLE SECOND.  And not worry about the decision I have to make.  I haven’t felt like this in years.  I don’t know how long I will have this for.  It’s so fragile.  It’s possibly so short lived.  But fuck it feels GOOD.

So I thought I would write so show the impact of being chemo free has on my life.  Or maybe to show the impact that being on chemo has. 

Being able to concentrate all day.  Something so many take for granted.  For me, this is a luxury. 

I feel light.  The bags are fading. I don’t have to choose work or friends.  I don’t have to think, if I do this today, will I be able to function tomorrow.  I don’t have to choose exercise, or get my work done.  I am free.  This is what 32 is meant to feel like.

With love and hope,

XXX