No Words

I have no words.  I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to write.  I don’t really know why I am doing this.  My head is empty.  It’s gone.

It started slowly a couple of days ago and seems to have hit me smack in the face today.

Fatigue.

I’m exhausted.

Fuck.

I’m on a half dose – I take Ponatinib every other day.  No one else takes it like that.  It was ok.  Legs started hurting after a week.  But that was ok. It’s manageable.  A dull internal ache.  Not really a pain.  It’s hard to describe.  Always there but not really bothering me.  This meant I have stayed on every other day instead of going to daily.

I started it nearly 3 weeks ago.

Yesterday I noticed that I started to feel tired after lunchtime.  I clocked it.  I had hoped it was just because the day before I had been up early.  But I felt tired on Tuesday afternoon and spent from 5pm on the sofa.  I had around 10 and a half hours on Tuesday night. 

I thought it was just a blip.

Yesterday I saw a client, then a meeting, then a bit of work and supper with a friend.  Nothing hectic.  Arguably much less that I have been doing over the last few weeks.  And at supper time I felt tired.  Really tired. My eye was twitching.  A fatigue signal of mine.  I was going to walk home but couldn’t face it.  I went to bed at 8.40 last night.  Not to sleep straight away, but I had to get into bed.

Today, after 11 hours sleep last night, I thought I would carry on as I have been over the last few weeks.  I went for a short run – just over 2 miles, then voted, and no, I’m not going to talk about that, and walked to my work space.

And I noticed my eyes.  My face.  I feel heavy.  My eyes are burning.  I don’t have any energy.  I can’t be fucked to do my work.  I don’t even have the energy to cry about feeling like this again.

Maybe it’s a glitch.  The heaviness is reminiscent of my fatigue.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what it feels like to be normal tired, or what’s a normal amount to get done, or at what point you feel exhausted after being able to have a life.  My reference points aren’t what everyone else’s are.

All I know is that after nearly 3 weeks back on chemo I don’t feel right.  I don’t feel like me from a couple of weeks ago. 

And I was really hoping that every other day would have fuck all impact.  Like taking half a paracetamol for a migraine.

Apparently not.

Check up on Monday.

So fucking fed up of all of this.