I have no words. I
don’t know what to say. I don’t know
what to write. I don’t really know why I
am doing this. My head is empty. It’s gone.
It started slowly a couple of days ago and seems to have hit
me smack in the face today.
Fatigue.
I’m exhausted.
Fuck.
I’m on a half dose – I take Ponatinib every other day. No one else takes it like that. It was ok.
Legs started hurting after a week.
But that was ok. It’s manageable.
A dull internal ache. Not really
a pain. It’s hard to describe. Always there but not really bothering
me. This meant I have stayed on every
other day instead of going to daily.
I started it nearly 3 weeks ago.
Yesterday I noticed that I started to feel tired after
lunchtime. I clocked it. I had hoped it was just because the day
before I had been up early. But I felt
tired on Tuesday afternoon and spent from 5pm on the sofa. I had around 10 and a half hours on Tuesday
night.
I thought it was just a blip.
Yesterday I saw a client, then a meeting, then a bit of work
and supper with a friend. Nothing
hectic. Arguably much less that I have
been doing over the last few weeks. And
at supper time I felt tired. Really tired.
My eye was twitching. A fatigue signal
of mine. I was going to walk home but
couldn’t face it. I went to bed at 8.40
last night. Not to sleep straight away,
but I had to get into bed.
Today, after 11 hours sleep last night, I thought I would
carry on as I have been over the last few weeks. I went for a short run – just over 2 miles,
then voted, and no, I’m not going to talk about that, and walked to my work
space.
And I noticed my eyes. My face.
I feel heavy. My eyes are
burning. I don’t have any energy. I can’t be fucked to do my work. I don’t even have the energy to cry about feeling
like this again.
Maybe it’s a glitch. The
heaviness is reminiscent of my fatigue.
I don’t know. I don’t know what
it feels like to be normal tired, or what’s a normal amount to get done, or at
what point you feel exhausted after being able to have a life. My reference points aren’t what everyone else’s
are.
All I know is that after nearly 3 weeks back on chemo I don’t
feel right. I don’t feel like me from a
couple of weeks ago.
And I was really hoping that every other day would have fuck
all impact. Like taking half a
paracetamol for a migraine.
Apparently not.
Check up on Monday.
So fucking fed up of all of this.
