I've been becoming more and more aware of it. So many social media accounts with thousands of followers because the person had or has cancer. I see them in my work social media a lot. Another person who talks about their diagnosis on their work website. Another person who is so brave/strong/amazing etc because they talk about how shit they feel on their work social media because they had cancer and got the all clear 5,6,7, 10 years ago. Another person who gets all this recognition.
Maybe that's what fucks me off. It's the whole 'what about me' thing that I have. I was going to say it's a problem. Not sure that's the right way to explain it. It's definitely a middle child syndrome.
I made a conscious decision when I was diagnosed nearly 11 years ago not to make cancer the only thing in my life. Maybe that's easy for me as a chronic. I was never going to die. I just take these pills every day. But I also have no end in sight. I don't know if I will ever be free of cancer completely. I don't know.
I could be that ill person. I could give up and not get out of bed. I don't.
Maybe that's what this is about. The fact that I battle with every day. Not with cancer. Let's get the straight. It's never been a battle. I will not battle with myself. With my blood. With my life essence.
Life on the other hand. Well. That's not so easy.
I work and have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am. I'm not saying others don't by the way. I made a decision not to have cancer as a part of my work. It's not really relevant to it. It's not why I do what I do. I do sometimes, and the sometimes has turned into often recently, wonder if I would be more successful, have more of a following on social media if I had 'cashed in that card'.
I haven't had a break since my treatment started in life to just focus on building a social media following or making a name for myself and cancer. No time to write articles and then follow up and follow up and follow up with editors/publications etc to get my pieces published. I haven't had a holiday since last Christmas. The most I have had off this last year is 5 days over a bank holiday weekend.
Making cancer your full time job is a full time job and I decided I wasn't going to do that. It's not all of me. It's not all of my life.
Maybe my life would be easier if I had.
I've had to increase my chemo dose. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm in bed at 8.45 on a Saturday night. I can't keep up pace when walking with my parents who are, well, over 55!
So I don't really know what this is about. Maybe I should stop smiling and say 'ok' when people ask how I am. I'm not really. Not at the moment.
And I know that having over 10,000 followers on Instagram wouldn't make it any better. I know that really, when you strip is all back, that's all a load of bollocks. I know this really. Deep down. It's just sometimes so fucking hard when you work so hard and it could be easier if I went on about cancer with my work social media.
But then. I haven't. So I will never know. I should just make my peace with what I have chosen to do and ignore the rest. 10,000 Instagram followers means fuck all in reality. They aren't there for you when you need them. They don't send you photos of Facebook memories from 10 years ago. They don't laugh hysterically when you say you were only wearing 6 layers today. They haven't been there for you through it all and are still there.
So really. Why the fuck would I want 10,000 Instagram followers. But some more clients would be nice. It's getting there. It's just. Well. Life is a bit challenging at the moment.
With hope. Always with hope.
XxX
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