Friday, 19 January 2018

11 Years Today

11 years. Can't quite believe it. I haven't cried this week. That's strange. Normally in the lead up I'm a bit emotional, weepy. Not this year. And I think I only cried once over Christmas! Maybe I managed 10 years and now it's just another tally on the sheet. Becoming less relevant.  I don't know. 

Or maybe because the last couple of weeks since being back in London has been really busy. No time to think and dwell on me. Meetings and clients and research and admin has definitely dominated. Which is good. The way it's meant to be. 

And I had just over 2 weeks off at Christmas. A proper rest. I'm not completely destroyed by fatigue at the moment. I have hope with treatment options. Waiting to hear on a new interferon. My consultant is outstanding. She has carried on over Christmas to track down the right people to speak to. A year ago, two years ago, three years ago (you get the picture) I had no treatment hope. I thought how I was was it. And in the last year I have been offered a transplant and interferon. So far the interferon hasn't been great or worked on my resistant CML. But. It's not. Well this is your life and make the best of it. (Jury is still out on transplant). 

I can't really believe another year has gone by. Time is going by so fast. 

So I don't really know how I feel today. I suspect I've just been too busy to focus on it or realise it's here. 7.30 tonight is the time. The time the phone rang. And my life took a turn I never expected. I'm not angry about it. I get fed up and fucked off about things from time to time. Exhaustion isn't fun. But. So many positives. Tonight I am seeing wonderful friends that I have met because of cancer. 

I love my job and what I do. Because of cancer. 

I know how much I am loved. Because of cancer. 

I know who I am and love who I am. Because of cancer. 

And I'm getting to the point where I think I am who I am. Because of cancer. 

And would I change it? No fucking way. 

So today. 11 years after getting my blood cancer diagnosis of Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia shall be a happy day. Because I can't enjoy my life and be happy if I'm not happy about cancer. 

With love and hope,

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