Well my lovely bloglets,
I have just written the following post for Leumaemia and Lymphoma Research, so I thought it would be a bit fucking rude of me not to share it with you! And I know it's a topic I may have mentioned once, or twice, before.....
So it's funny, well depending on your point of view I suppose, I don't like change. But at the same time I want it. Change is something that has come up a lot over the last 6 and a half and a bit years. It's something I'm desperate for, but at the same time don't want it as I am worried and maybe scared about who I will be when I am no longer a cancer kid. What will make me special and unusual? Will people still be interested in me and what I have to say? I now have a patient in my University clinic and they were saying how much they don't like change and I was giving them all this advice. Brilliant though my advice was, it's something that I need to take on board and implement myself. Change is the only thing that is definite in life.
A Uni friend of mine sent me a link about a talk this week on fear of change so I have booked into it. Maybe this will be the start of my journey of accepting change. And I feel like this may be the right time. After nearly 3 weeks of being chemo free I have begun to feel truly alive again. I've been up since 8 and sorted stuff out at home before going into Uni for an afternoon of body work and it's 9.25 and you know what. I don't feel that tired. I can't believe it! I can't remember feeling like this. And I don't want it to go. I have the hospital next week and I'm going to see if I can negotiate a few more days off the drugs to wait for the leukaemic rate results, just to see what they are like. I know that I will have to go back on them, BUT if my rate is still low, maybe we can see if other routes are possible....
I did a new jimmyteens video blog this morning (I will let you know when it's up on the site) and I was quite surprised as I became quite upset talking about change and how I am and that whilst there are parts of my cancer journey I would change, I wouldn't change my diagnosis. Maybe it's because I have this new feeling of life that more processing has been able to take place. I know I will be processing this for many years and may never fully process it. But I hope that my babbling at a camera and writing here (and my other blog) will help even though what I think and type is often nonsensical sentences joined up together with no coherence (or so I feel) But it enables me to process everything that little bit more.
I spoke at a Macmillan event and I have been asked to get involved with young people stuff which is really exciting as I often (always moan) that I'm too old for TCT and am no longer in the spotlight and once again ignored. I can't remember if I've mentioned it, but I 'joke' that I was the ignored middle child until my diagnosis. But being asked to do stuff makes me feel like I can shine again and that there was a purpose for my diagnosis. I can help make a change for the better for other cancer kids and that we are no longer the lost tribe.
I'm not entirely sure what my point was with this. I did have some amazing ideas, as usual, on the tube. I should write them down....
So thank you for giving me this space, and as always with love and laughter,
XxX
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