Hello lovely Bloglets,
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with
this (as I normally do, HA) but I feel the need to write, so that is what I am
doing. I am also going to be cheeky and put the exact same post up on the
Leukaemia and Lymphoma Research website aka MY NEW BLOG!
Still tired. Had two nights of
really bad sleep and I'm knackered. All I want to do is sit on the sofa
and eat chocolate biscuits (but I'm off refined sugar whilst I'm not on
treatment for these 4 weeks as sugar and cancer are such good friends), curled
up under my blanket and watch DVDs. I might still do that, well the sofa
and DVD bit, and not go to the supermarket or write my talk for the Teenage
Cancer Trust conference Find Your Sense Of Tumour (FYSOT) which is less than a
month away..... nothing like procrastination. I have about 20 minutes and
whilst I have a vague idea about what I'm going to talk about there is so much,
and it's quite a daunting task. Also, I'm not good at planning what I'm
going to say, and every time I spoke for TCT at an event, whatever came up came
up and that's what I mentioned. Planning what I'm going to say seems very
unnatural for me and not fake, but not the real me. Maybe I'm worried I'll lose
a bit of me if it's planned. Or maybe this is all bollocks and I just need
to sit down and write it.
People coming into and out of lives
(mainly mine) is still on my mind a lot. Still thinking about the boy but
if we are meant to be we will. And I truly believe that. Not just
about relationships but life. I do think that there is a path pre-planned
and everything happens for a reason. I'm sure I have mentioned this
before. Yesterday I went down to Hastings to see a friend who has recently had
a baby and of course, he is gorgeous. Only 3 weeks old but I still got a
smile out of him. We were great friends when we were little, she and her
mother lived with us when my parents ran a B&B as she went to a school near
the house, so during the school term I had a live in friend. It was
fucking brilliant! My parents sold the house, and as it so often happens,
we drifted. Not long before I moved to London she found me on facebook
and now she is married to someone I went to school with when I was little and
now they have a son. Life does funny things, but always draws back the
people who are important.
My friend Jack died just over 3 years ago.
His death hit me really hard. I'd only met him a few times but we
bonded and had such a giggle together. He was so positive and such a
fighter..... And I can't continue to get upset about it. He had his path.
Remembering someone with a smile is so important. And then me.
Back to the guilt and am I allowed to moan and whinge about my cancer
journey? It's so easy compared to some. But it's also forever hanging
over me and dictating what I can or can't do. But I'm still here, and
this is what I should be so grateful for. And I hope that one day, it
will be me holding my baby, with my friends coming to see me and celebrate new
life and the joy it brings.
Love and laughter,
XXX
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