It's all brain vomit; and living with a Chronic Leukaemia: A little bit of heartache and so much hope

Well my lovely bloglets,

I have been carrying the first part of this post around with me for about a week and have decided to share. Whilst it may come across as a bit maudlin I am in fact, happy, and I have been for about 10 days. I don’t know what shift has happened, but it has. I feel like me again, and I love it. I have hated being miserable and under a black cloud for so long. I am not meant to be miserable and low and tearful, I am meant to laugh and smile and enjoy living. And I am again. With relief.

Sometimes I wonder if I have done something to upset the universe. Or if it's just not my time. Will it ever be my time? I feel that sometimes I am being punished, but for what, I do not know.

Men. My track record is not great. Always the friend or the girl to fill the gap before someone better comes along. Always attracting someone unavailable for whatever reason. And we have time together and then it ends. Quickly. In my life I have not been officially single for 1 year. Not a continuous year but a year made up of a couple of months here and a couple of months there. I'm told by my parents and my friends that I am beautiful but sometimes it is hard to believe.

Recently someone has come into my life and from the second we met there was something there. I cannot explain what or why but it was. And I think they felt it too. Precious moments grabbed here and there, and then, as always, they go. It's too complicated to explain and I don't think I want to share. Once again, it was the wrong time and too much is in the way for anything more. Maybe we will see each other again. I don't know. As I said, the universe does not seem to be being very kind to me. It's hard. Carrying this around. Wondering. Should such fleeting times together result in feeling like this? Maybe we were happy in another life which is why I feel like this. Maybe we will be happy in a future life…but there is hope.

On Thursday before my tattoo I was in Uni and bumped into a lecturer of mine to say that she had been meaning to find me as I have a won a prize! My instant reaction was to laugh and say that she had it wrong. It is for improved progression between last year and this year I think. To be honest I wasn’t really listening as I was freaking out about my impending appointment. I have insisted that she double check as I’m really not convinced it is me….BUT…it was fucking nice to be told even if it is wrong. My academic life, a bit like my love life, has never really turned out right. At school I never did as well in exams as expected. I would get constantly good results in the classroom and then something would go wrong, so I left with the grades not quite predicted. So to be told, as I have come out of a long dark tunnel, that I have achieved something that has been recognised by a board of lecturers was pretty fucking brilliant. My dissertation extension has also been approved. Thank fuck. My consultant wrote a bloody brilliant letter. She is great. I will, in 5 weeks, try new chemo.

Tomorrow (Monday) my student insurance kicks in and I will not only be able to treat/advice people without feeling that I shouldn’t but also be able to charge a token amount for my time. This will help. I am also going to be giving treatments to those who use a bereavement centre and for a charity who provide therapy to those in the community. I feel that by doing this I am able to look past all the deadlines that are beginning to loom – 8 more assignments to go – and am beginning to feel like a therapist. It is after all, what the last 4 years has been about. I want to give back, I have received so much. And I hope that I am able to help, to give some much needed relief. I feel that I have a gift of touch and want to share it.

On Friday I had a busy day peer reviewing an incredible teenage cancer trust funded, teenage young adult unit at a hospital. I had a look around, it was amazing. The team were also incredible. So focused. I hope that this happens across the country so every TYA gets that dedication. Friday also consisted of two surprises. A valentine’s day card. It made me smile, it’s still making me smile. Completely unexpected. Gives me hope, it shows that maybe he felt it too. And a photograph, I can’t say anything for a couple of weeks, but it’s fucking amazing. I’m so excited. More will come and follow on from that, I’m not being cryptic on purpose; I hate it when people are cryptic. I have promised that I will wait before sharing.

There is probably more to say, oh yes, tattoo! So the picture is today – day 3 and I think it’s looking pretty good. On the walk I was freaking out, but once I arrived a calm descended over me. It was the right thing to do. I will never regret it. It’s bigger than I have anticipated but it’s beautiful. I want this with me always. When having it drawn on my finger to approve it before he started, all the men in the room were watching and asked me if I had any other tattoos. When I said no, they all said how much it was going to hurt and that I was brave/a maniac etc. I just smiled and reassured them that my pain tolerance is insane. And you know what, it didn’t really hurt. It was a bit burny/stingy and over the knuckle was a bit sore, but it was fine. I was also using a breathing technique to help keep me calm and meant that I and my hand was completely relaxed so I didn’t move. Everyone has asked me, where will the next one be? I think, it will be coming diagnosis date and coming off chemo date – maybe. I will wait to see if this happens. I have hope. So much hope. And now I should go, off to have some time with my sister.