Happy....I think

So my lovely bloglets,

I’m actually feeling pretty happy today….shocker I know!  The past couple of weeks have been really tough and everyday has felt like a battle with a fair amount of tears, sometimes in private and sometimes when speaking to my tutors - especially when I received an email from my tutor saying that the welfare panel wanted medical evidence to allow my dissertation extension as I'm in remission…. I’m not going to lie I felt like going into Uni and punching the fuckers. My email back to my tutor might have been a little bit facetious and I told her to tell them to read my blog…. Luckily I have the support of all the staff and there has been the offer of various emails to be sent to the welfare panel explaining that remission yes but the impact of the chemotherapy is intense.  Bureaucratic arseholes.  So.  That was FUN!

I had my check up on Tuesday with my new consultant who is really lovely and of course, I cried.  She is writing a letter for me to take into Uni explaining the impact of my drugs and she said that I should be applauded for my degree….. It’s nice to know that even though some people aren’t in my corner, those that I come into contact with are.  On Monday I had two patients in clinic and I hadn’t done the work I was meant to for one of them.  I had that days session planned and researched, but nothing else.  My supervisor said to me that it was ok and that this happens in life.  When I’m in practice I won’t always be able to have more than that’s days session planned.  The fact that I was crying probably meant that she couldn't really bollock me either….

So, hospital.  I have a big decision to make.  My consultant has suggested that I try an alternative drug.  The arse is that I take it twice a day and it has to be an hour before or after food.  And I don’t know the side effects.  It could be that there aren’t any and I feel absolutely fine and I get my energy levels back…..or it could be worse.  As I had such a fucking hideous time on the first lot with excruciating pain I am hesitant to change.  Whilst, yes, the side effect of chronic fatigue is pretty fucking shit, I know it.  I know how to deal with it….just about.  I know the signs my body gives me when I’m burnt out and need to rest and withdraw within to conserve power and look after me.  The new drugs could be amazing with no side effects and I could get my life back….I’m just scared of the unknown. I’m back in 6 weeks so I have time to think and make a decision.  I am also going to be given a break from the chemo for a couple of weeks.  It's needed.  I am being listened to and it's amazing.  I wish in a way that my consultant had just said that she was going to change the drugs and then the decision was hers.  Sometimes I fucking hate being an adult.  On a plus note I have lost all the weight I put on at Christmas.  WOO HOO!!!!!  Even though a cheeky fucker asked me if I weighed 70 kgs.  Twat. 

This week is the last week before reading week and I can’t wait to be able to lie in…..

It’s funny the impact music has on me.  I might have downloaded some amazing cheese and it makes me feel good.  I need to use music more.  I also love singing.  It makes me happy.  I should do more of that.  I need to release the guilt and focus on me and happiness.  Yesterday I went to my tutors house to have some quality time with Boris her Basset Hound.  He is absolutely gorgeous.  Animals.  They are wonderful and they know when you need them.  I still miss Winnie and Frank so much when I go home.  Hopefully I can get a pet of my own soon, or maybe even a boyfriend.  Fucking hell.  That would be monumental!  Touch – I need it.  Whether a hug from a friend or a cuddle with a dog.  It restores me.  I saw my cousin for lunch before the hospital and gave her a massive hug hello.  It was needed. 

Tattoo.  It’s happening AND with parental approval.  Can’t believe it!  I’m going to the tattoo place on Tuesday to have a chat, and get it booked.  Then I shall forever be with hope and it shall forever be with me.  My lovely friend Peter has started chemo again this week….

Twitter – over the past couple of weeks it has been a space for me that I have needed.  A place where I can say what I need and the space is given.  And in the post I received a care package and a card with the following written – ‘Thanks for being strong.  It inspires us to remember the important things.’  I forget this and need to focus on this more.  I also through twitter won a competition!  This NEVER happens.  In fact I have won 2.  I won a free snickers – amazing – the nuts makes them healthy…..and a painting.  An artist I follow on twitter makes the most wonderful paintings and I won one!  This one. 

I come into contact with so many wonderful and lovely people on this weird social place that is impossible to explain but one I wouldn't be without.  And I have been meeting people from it – some very special people– and this makes me happy.  People have so much to give even if they can’t see it.  And you spend time with them and it feels like you have known them forever.  There is an ease, a bond, impossible to explain but yet I feel it.

I have more to say but this is getting rather long, another will follow soon; got a couple of cancertastic events next week which I will no doubt blog about so will save the rest for that one.

So with a smile on my face,

With so much love, laughter and hope,

XXX