Happiness

Well my lovely bloglets,

As always I don't really know where I am going with this.  I know there are a few things I want to mention though.

Being happy - I am still feeling happy and like me
again, I can't explain what it's like to feel like this again.  I have had an insight into what depression is like though and it must be fucking awful.  To not know what to do to get out of the black hole you are sitting at the bottom of with the glimpse of sky at the top but having no idea how to climb up and get out.  Luckily, I have some tools learnt through my degree and from my mother that I can use with a degree of ease which I'm sure has helped.  But to be how I was without them, I do not know if I would have been able to climb up and be in the sun again.  Maybe the sun has helped as well.  It has made an appearance over the last week which has been wonderful.  Spring is on her way.  I can feel it.  I can hear it.  And I can see it.  I never thought that winter bothered me emotionally and mentally.  But maybe, as I get older, it has more of an impact.  My birthday and Christmas aren't quite the same exciting events they were as a child and now my cancerversary is added.  So maybe winter is more of a struggle now.  And this academic year is mental.  Maybe winter isn't the problem, but my degree.  It shall be over in July and I can now, begin to focus on beyond that and setting up my practice.  I am excited about it.  I am over stressing about deadlines.  I will get the work done, I will get a mark for it and I will move on. I have another deadline on Monday but I have been working rather slowly and will be using my extension.  It will however, be done by next Sunday evening, so it can be ticked off the list.  Then only 7 more to go.

Just over a week ago I was photographed for a project - http://the100project.net
The aim is to photograph 100 normal people who have had cancer and for the photos to be sponsored. Obviously I'm going to be very upset if my photo doesn't get a fucking massive amount of money..... This picture is one of the two pictures of me.
I had my photo taken on the day of my tattoo and being told about winning a academic prize - I'm still not convinced this is true.... However, the feedback I have had on twitter about my photo which of course I have tweeted a huge amount and made it my profile picture, has made me smile. A lot.

In many ways I am confident.  I can peer review and question consultants and nursing staff about how they treat Teenage/ Young Adults and tell a table full of highly qualified surgeons and consultants that patient care starts the minute the letter is received or the phone call (in my case) or the second you step foot in the clinic you have to go to.  I can tell someone doing research for the PhD thesis about the fucking awful care I had in Scotland from my consultant, as I tell you.  I can speak on the stage at the Royal Albert Hall in front of thousands of people and confess my love for Dave Grohl and then tell him.... I can speak at a conference and cry without shame because I do, and it's allowed.  But when it comes to my opinion about me....well that's a different story.  So to have people tell me I'm beautiful and gorgeous in response to the 100 project photograph is both wonderful and hard in a way because I do not truly believe it.  I know I'm not ugly but......

I have today, after seeing my sister use a hashtag on Facebook (for FUCKS SAKE, hastags are for TWITTER!!!  But anyway, not the point) #100happydays I asked her what is was and she told me to google it.  So I did.  And I am now doing it.  I am going to, for the next 100 days tweet a picture of something that has made me happy or smile that day.  I hope it won't be difficult to do...now...3 months ago it would have been a different story.  I am doing it, like my tattoo, as a reminder that I am happy and to enjoy and embrace it.  Happiness isn't always there and now that it is, I shall actively acknowledge it.  I will also do it for those that I know struggle with this, and for those who are slowly climbing out of the dark hole into the light.  And maybe, I will inspire someone else to take up the challenge.  Although, I don't see it as a challenge, I see it as a positive thing to do a happy reminder.

So I go, with hope and happiness, it is so wonderful to have these back with me,
XXX