Happiness

Well my lovely bloglets,

As always I don't really know where I am going with this.  I know there are a few things I want to mention though.

Being happy - I am still feeling happy and like me
again, I can't explain what it's like to feel like this again.  I have had an insight into what depression is like though and it must be fucking awful.  To not know what to do to get out of the black hole you are sitting at the bottom of with the glimpse of sky at the top but having no idea how to climb up and get out.  Luckily, I have some tools learnt through my degree and from my mother that I can use with a degree of ease which I'm sure has helped.  But to be how I was without them, I do not know if I would have been able to climb up and be in the sun again.  Maybe the sun has helped as well.  It has made an appearance over the last week which has been wonderful.  Spring is on her way.  I can feel it.  I can hear it.  And I can see it.  I never thought that winter bothered me emotionally and mentally.  But maybe, as I get older, it has more of an impact.  My birthday and Christmas aren't quite the same exciting events they were as a child and now my cancerversary is added.  So maybe winter is more of a struggle now.  And this academic year is mental.  Maybe winter isn't the problem, but my degree.  It shall be over in July and I can now, begin to focus on beyond that and setting up my practice.  I am excited about it.  I am over stressing about deadlines.  I will get the work done, I will get a mark for it and I will move on. I have another deadline on Monday but I have been working rather slowly and will be using my extension.  It will however, be done by next Sunday evening, so it can be ticked off the list.  Then only 7 more to go.

Just over a week ago I was photographed for a project - http://the100project.net
The aim is to photograph 100 normal people who have had cancer and for the photos to be sponsored. Obviously I'm going to be very upset if my photo doesn't get a fucking massive amount of money..... This picture is one of the two pictures of me.
I had my photo taken on the day of my tattoo and being told about winning a academic prize - I'm still not convinced this is true.... However, the feedback I have had on twitter about my photo which of course I have tweeted a huge amount and made it my profile picture, has made me smile. A lot.

In many ways I am confident.  I can peer review and question consultants and nursing staff about how they treat Teenage/ Young Adults and tell a table full of highly qualified surgeons and consultants that patient care starts the minute the letter is received or the phone call (in my case) or the second you step foot in the clinic you have to go to.  I can tell someone doing research for the PhD thesis about the fucking awful care I had in Scotland from my consultant, as I tell you.  I can speak on the stage at the Royal Albert Hall in front of thousands of people and confess my love for Dave Grohl and then tell him.... I can speak at a conference and cry without shame because I do, and it's allowed.  But when it comes to my opinion about me....well that's a different story.  So to have people tell me I'm beautiful and gorgeous in response to the 100 project photograph is both wonderful and hard in a way because I do not truly believe it.  I know I'm not ugly but......

I have today, after seeing my sister use a hashtag on Facebook (for FUCKS SAKE, hastags are for TWITTER!!!  But anyway, not the point) #100happydays I asked her what is was and she told me to google it.  So I did.  And I am now doing it.  I am going to, for the next 100 days tweet a picture of something that has made me happy or smile that day.  I hope it won't be difficult to do...now...3 months ago it would have been a different story.  I am doing it, like my tattoo, as a reminder that I am happy and to enjoy and embrace it.  Happiness isn't always there and now that it is, I shall actively acknowledge it.  I will also do it for those that I know struggle with this, and for those who are slowly climbing out of the dark hole into the light.  And maybe, I will inspire someone else to take up the challenge.  Although, I don't see it as a challenge, I see it as a positive thing to do a happy reminder.

So I go, with hope and happiness, it is so wonderful to have these back with me,
XXX

A little bit of heartache and so much hope

Well my lovely bloglets, 

I have been carrying the first part of this post around with me for about a week and have decided to share.  Whilst it may come across as a bit maudlin I am in fact, happy, and I have been for about 10 days.  I don’t know what shift has happened, but it has.  I feel like me again, and I love it.  I have hated being miserable and under a black cloud for so long.  I am not meant to be miserable and low and tearful, I am meant to laugh and smile and enjoy living. And I am again.  With relief.

Sometimes I wonder if I have done something to upset the universe. Or if it's just not my time. Will it ever be my time?  I feel that sometimes I am being punished, but for what, I do not know.

Men. My track record is not great. Always the friend or the girl to fill the gap before someone better comes along. Always attracting someone unavailable for whatever reason. And we have time together and then it ends. Quickly. In my life I have not been officially single for 1 year. Not a continuous year but a year made up of a couple of months here and a couple of months there. I'm told by my parents and my friends that I am beautiful but sometimes it is hard to believe.

Recently someone has come into my life and from the second we met there was something there. I cannot explain what or why but it was. And I think they felt it too. Precious moments grabbed here and there, and then, as always, they go. It's too complicated to explain and I don't think I want to share. Once again, it was the wrong time and too much is in the way for anything more. Maybe we will see each other again. I don't know. As I said, the universe does not seem to be being very kind to me. It's hard. Carrying this around. Wondering. Should such fleeting times together result in feeling like this? Maybe we were happy in another life which is why I feel like this. Maybe we will be happy in a future life…but there is hope.

On Thursday before my tattoo I was in Uni and bumped into a lecturer of mine to say that she had been meaning to find me as I have a won a prize!  My instant reaction was to laugh and say that she had it wrong.  It is for improved progression between last year and this year I think.  To be honest I wasn’t really listening as I was freaking out about my impending appointment.  I have insisted that she double check as I’m really not convinced it is me….BUT…it was fucking nice to be told even if it is wrong. My academic life, a bit like my love life, has never really turned out right.  At school I never did as well in exams as expected.  I would get constantly good results in the classroom and then something would go wrong, so I left with the grades not quite predicted.  So to be told, as I have come out of a long dark tunnel, that I have achieved something that has been recognised by a board of lecturers was pretty fucking brilliant.  My dissertation extension has also been approved.  Thank fuck.  My consultant wrote a bloody brilliant letter. She is great.  I will, in 5 weeks, try new chemo.

Tomorrow (Monday) my student insurance kicks in and I will not only be able to treat/advice people without feeling that I shouldn’t but also be able to charge a token amount for my time.  This will help.  I am also going to be giving treatments to those who use a bereavement centre and for a charity who provide therapy to those in the community.  I feel that by doing this I am able to look past all the deadlines that are beginning to loom – 8 more assignments to go – and am beginning to feel like a therapist.  It is after all, what the last 4 years has been about.  I want to give back, I have received so much.  And I hope that I am able to help, to give some much needed relief.  I feel that I have a gift of touch and want to share it.

On Friday I had a busy day peer reviewing an incredible teenage cancer trust funded, teenage young adult unit at a hospital.  I had a look around, it was amazing.  The team were also incredible.  So focused.  I hope that this happens across the country so every TYA gets that dedication.  Friday also consisted of two surprises.  A valentine’s day card.  It made me smile, it’s still making me smile.  Completely unexpected.  Gives me hope, it shows that maybe he felt it too.  And a photograph, I can’t say anything for a couple of weeks, but it’s fucking amazing.  I’m so excited.  More will come and follow on from that, I’m not being cryptic on purpose; I hate it when people are cryptic.  I have promised that I will wait before sharing.

There is probably more to say, oh yes, tattoo!  So the picture is today – day 3 and I think it’s looking pretty good.  On the walk I was freaking out, but once I arrived a calm descended over me.  It was the right thing to do.  I will never regret it.  It’s bigger than I have anticipated but it’s beautiful.  I want this with me always.  When having it drawn on my finger to approve it before he started, all the men in the room were watching and asked me if I had any other tattoos.  When I said no, they all said how much it was going to hurt and that I was brave/a maniac etc.  I just smiled and reassured them that my pain tolerance is insane.  And you know what, it didn’t really hurt.  It was a bit burny/stingy and over the knuckle was a bit sore, but it was fine.  I was also using a breathing technique to help keep me calm and meant that I and my hand was completely relaxed so I didn’t move.  Everyone has asked me, where will the next one be?  I think, it will be coming diagnosis date and coming off chemo date – maybe.  I will wait to see if this happens.  I have hope.  So much hope.  And now I should go, off to have some time with my sister.

With smiles and laughter – they have been missing and hope, so much hope, always,

XXX

Happy....I think

So my lovely bloglets,

I’m actually feeling pretty happy today….shocker I know!  The past couple of weeks have been really tough and everyday has felt like a battle with a fair amount of tears, sometimes in private and sometimes when speaking to my tutors - especially when I received an email from my tutor saying that the welfare panel wanted medical evidence to allow my dissertation extension as I'm in remission…. I’m not going to lie I felt like going into Uni and punching the fuckers. My email back to my tutor might have been a little bit facetious and I told her to tell them to read my blog…. Luckily I have the support of all the staff and there has been the offer of various emails to be sent to the welfare panel explaining that remission yes but the impact of the chemotherapy is intense.  Bureaucratic arseholes.  So.  That was FUN!

I had my check up on Tuesday with my new consultant who is really lovely and of course, I cried.  She is writing a letter for me to take into Uni explaining the impact of my drugs and she said that I should be applauded for my degree….. It’s nice to know that even though some people aren’t in my corner, those that I come into contact with are.  On Monday I had two patients in clinic and I hadn’t done the work I was meant to for one of them.  I had that days session planned and researched, but nothing else.  My supervisor said to me that it was ok and that this happens in life.  When I’m in practice I won’t always be able to have more than that’s days session planned.  The fact that I was crying probably meant that she couldn't really bollock me either….

So, hospital.  I have a big decision to make.  My consultant has suggested that I try an alternative drug.  The arse is that I take it twice a day and it has to be an hour before or after food.  And I don’t know the side effects.  It could be that there aren’t any and I feel absolutely fine and I get my energy levels back…..or it could be worse.  As I had such a fucking hideous time on the first lot with excruciating pain I am hesitant to change.  Whilst, yes, the side effect of chronic fatigue is pretty fucking shit, I know it.  I know how to deal with it….just about.  I know the signs my body gives me when I’m burnt out and need to rest and withdraw within to conserve power and look after me.  The new drugs could be amazing with no side effects and I could get my life back….I’m just scared of the unknown. I’m back in 6 weeks so I have time to think and make a decision.  I am also going to be given a break from the chemo for a couple of weeks.  It's needed.  I am being listened to and it's amazing.  I wish in a way that my consultant had just said that she was going to change the drugs and then the decision was hers.  Sometimes I fucking hate being an adult.  On a plus note I have lost all the weight I put on at Christmas.  WOO HOO!!!!!  Even though a cheeky fucker asked me if I weighed 70 kgs.  Twat. 

This week is the last week before reading week and I can’t wait to be able to lie in…..

It’s funny the impact music has on me.  I might have downloaded some amazing cheese and it makes me feel good.  I need to use music more.  I also love singing.  It makes me happy.  I should do more of that.  I need to release the guilt and focus on me and happiness.  Yesterday I went to my tutors house to have some quality time with Boris her Basset Hound.  He is absolutely gorgeous.  Animals.  They are wonderful and they know when you need them.  I still miss Winnie and Frank so much when I go home.  Hopefully I can get a pet of my own soon, or maybe even a boyfriend.  Fucking hell.  That would be monumental!  Touch – I need it.  Whether a hug from a friend or a cuddle with a dog.  It restores me.  I saw my cousin for lunch before the hospital and gave her a massive hug hello.  It was needed. 

Tattoo.  It’s happening AND with parental approval.  Can’t believe it!  I’m going to the tattoo place on Tuesday to have a chat, and get it booked.  Then I shall forever be with hope and it shall forever be with me.  My lovely friend Peter has started chemo again this week….

Twitter – over the past couple of weeks it has been a space for me that I have needed.  A place where I can say what I need and the space is given.  And in the post I received a care package and a card with the following written – ‘Thanks for being strong.  It inspires us to remember the important things.’  I forget this and need to focus on this more.  I also through twitter won a competition!  This NEVER happens.  In fact I have won 2.  I won a free snickers – amazing – the nuts makes them healthy…..and a painting.  An artist I follow on twitter makes the most wonderful paintings and I won one!  This one. 

I come into contact with so many wonderful and lovely people on this weird social place that is impossible to explain but one I wouldn't be without.  And I have been meeting people from it – some very special people– and this makes me happy.  People have so much to give even if they can’t see it.  And you spend time with them and it feels like you have known them forever.  There is an ease, a bond, impossible to explain but yet I feel it.

I have more to say but this is getting rather long, another will follow soon; got a couple of cancertastic events next week which I will no doubt blog about so will save the rest for that one.

So with a smile on my face,

With so much love, laughter and hope,

XXX